Chapter 14: Long Road Ahead

ch14

It’s dark and silent.

Even with my window curtain and panel opened to bring in as much August air, my room is surprisingly dark and quiet for a summer’s night in New York City. The street lights are an orange glow that seem to dim rather than saturate my room; and the neighborhood kids must have decided to turn in early.

Its Quiet.

Or maybe I fell too far down that hole again.

The car, the date, his lips, his words, but I can’t see his face. I’m in the car, he drives we hold hands, we’re going on a date; I said “So you think this is a date?”

The crash.

We crashed. He drove too fast. I held his hand, and he couldn’t—-

RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wake up, to remember its Wednesday night.

Nine days ago, I told a guy that I really liked and deeply cared for that I was going speed dating to meet other single Men; in hopes that he would convince me not to…because we were an item, –because he felt things that I felt, but could not describe.

But instead he wanted to come too. So we broke things off. He changed his mind about speed dating.

This morning I sent him a text and thought that would be the last I ever talked to him, because he was too angry to speak to me.

Now he calls, and I shakily answered the phone…reminding myself I had to be strong, that I had my time to grieve and let everything out and Jon didn’t. That I was going to be an emotional punching bag for this boy that is emotional unstable. And I could dish it. Anyway, hadn’t I asked for this? For Jon to reach out to me no matter state he was in…what piece of work I…

Hello?” I said cautiously.

Hi Sabrien, Its Jon….I’m sorry for calling so late, I was out drinking with my friends…got a little drunk”

Crap.

Are you drunk now? Where are you, are you safe?” I asked.

Yeh yeh..you know it doesn’t take much with me, I’m by the train station….look I got your message, I wasn’t trying to ignore you Sabrien….so busy” says Jon.

Ohhh…its ok, I guess I just felt, um —as long you’re ok” I replied.

I know you were wishing me well with the move and everything which seemed like a good reason on your part to call…..” He continued.

My stomach knotted

I really was concerned, cause he asked for my help and I agreed, until….I wish I had called earlier maybe I still could have came to help. But I didn’t…..

But my dad came. Its fine here, except for a neighbor that….” Jon continued.

I was boderlining between joy, elation, frustration, and sadness. I was extremely happy and sad to hear his voice, though heavily inebriated; and frustrated and elated that even though we exchanged a brief banter….it was too thin to be veiled like “old times.” Our cracked and fatigued voices, begged for answers. I desperately wanted to forget last week and just pick –

Please don’t think I’m ignoring you, I had a ten hour day and I just wanted to sleep last night-” He whimpered.

“HOW COULD YOU SAY I BROKE UP WITH YOU?!?! I NEVER WANTED TO STOP SEEING YOU!!!…. I MISS YOU SABRIEN, I MISS YOU! I don’t hate you… I’m fond of you, SO VERY FOND OF YOU!….” Jon screamed into his phone.

Umm…

I now was off the fence and thrown into complete shock by his outburst. It was out of character, even for the boy that I labeled an unstable emotionally immature lonely drug addict (In case you missed that chapter), to just “lose it.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were hurt, you seem ok…and I reached out” I stammered.


I’M

NOT

HURT?!!

YOU think I’m NOT emotionally wounded?! I AM, SO THERE! YOU WOUNDED ME!” He retorted.


I’m sorry Jon, I wasn’t trying to do that…I don’t know, I never wanted to break up, I like you too. So much more than you understood.” I pleaded.

It was true….sober or drunk I don’t think Jon would have ever understood how much I cared about him. Its too deep, not even I understood the roots of the being that grew to consume me mind, body and soul. I’d give up any one of those for him.

NO! You were just using me!! And you were MAD at me!!!” He accused.


“I don’t- using you for what?” I asked. Really tell me.


“I don’t know.” He answered.


“Jon, I did care…I even paid your parking ticket for you, without telling you and…” I tried to explain.


“THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME!!!!!” I could imagine him sitting outside the subway station, yelling his soul over the cell phone as onlookers distanced themselves warily from him.

NOTHING!!! I JUST WANT YOUR BODY….YOUR BODY!!!” He continued.


“How many other men have you had sex with? YOU’RE INEXPERIENCED, and kept joking about how young I was and how you were going to jail, TELL ME HOW MANY? DID YOU ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH THEM, SABRIEN?!? YOU HATED IT WITH ME!!!” He demanded.


“Look everyone’s experience is different….not about being inexperienced…..What happened between us is no one’s fault. Its about our feelings, they didn’t match up we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Its not about wrong or right or who to blame. We just felt differently about each other. And that’s ok” I replied, almost a little too mechanically as it was one of the lines I remembered from a break-up advice site. I felt it was true, or at least I could believe it…that in the end maybe Jon didn’t feel the same way and I got —


“YOU SEE! YOU
DON’T GET IT SABRIEN!!!! THERE IS BLAME!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU’RE THE BLAME!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT I DON’T FEEL ABOUT YOU THE WAY YOU WANTED TOO!”

I won’t bore you with all 90 minutes of this conversation, I’m not sure if the snippets are in order. But the last thing I said to him in a very tearful way, was that I tried really really hard to show my true feelings for him and reassure him that I liked him, and I was sorry that he couldn’t see it.

And hung up.

I texted him again apologizing for anything insensitive that may have occurred.

Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.

A quiet night shattered by a crash.

Ch. 15 Truth and Reckoning

I’m not interested in that Sabrien”

For a moment, I thought I was looking at the face of another man. He did not possess the boyish good looks or charm that mesmerized me. As he shoved down his food, me still having no appetite, I realized what had changed. He was revealing himself to me, his truth. And it was ugly. Jon repulsed me.

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Ginger & Carrot cake with a twist

TheGirl:

I love carrot cake, hope you guys like this version!

Originally posted on Shalzmojo's Blog:

Come winter time and my memories are of “gajar ka halwa” being prepared in quantities generous enough to feed a couple of large baraats. This was the scene at my house, nani’s house, my friends houses; year after year – I had “gajar ka halwa” coming out of my ears. As a result, I was totally put off by it for life. (To date I can’t indulge in this famous sweet delicacy)

But this winter, the sight of heaps of fresh red carrots at the veggie vendor, spurred the cook in me to try out a ginger carrot cake. Picked up a couple of luscious looking carrots (with Roger rabbit parading in my head, intoning “What’s up doc?”), I browsed a couple of food blogs to find a quick and easy recipe. None matched my expectations. Undeterred, I decided to modify my chocolate cake recipe and replaced the cocoa with the carrots.

The experiment was a piece…

View original 447 more words

Chapter 13: Quiet….It’s a Breakdown not a Breakup

no superman, sketch!bravo, interracial couple, blog, romance, relationship problems, true story, reporter and the girl, blovel, break ups, moving on, losing someone you love

“AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!”

**sniffs**  **sniffs**  **sniffs**

I can’t write this in a way that doesn’t sound cute. The story of a poor brokenhearted girl who loses someone that meant everything plus the world to her.

If only it were that simple. For as much as I prepared myself for this day; you’re never fully prepared to lose yourself.

First.

You lose sleep.

From the night that I drove from Jon’s apartment, waking up at 3 am (the witching hour) and up at 5am to get a miserable summer’s day started; is norm. 2-3 hours of straight sleep is a godsend. Even on weekends and holidays: I watched the sunrise from my bed.

Second.

You lose your appetite.

I’m pretty sure that night I was able to stomache a glass of wine, but the next morning and days ahead, I carried a water bottle around as that was all I could handle. In the mornings, I could have toasted bread, and maybe in the evenings a handful of nuts or crackers. Yogurt, milk or anything too rich or heavy was too much. I probably didn’t grocery shop for about a month.

Third.

You lose a sense of purpose.

I don’t know if it made it better or worse, but I had some time off when Jon and I broke it off. Maybe worse, because at least at work I would have something to do and keep my mind off of it. But at home, I didn’t see the point of going through another day. I had some events and stuff with friends but the days and hours between them were menacingly slow.  And all I could think about was the hurt.

It’s a weird pain, it doesn’t burn like being cut open, and it isn’t sharp like the feel of freshly broken flesh. It’s a dull ache that sits in the pit of your gut, and it’s very heavy; so it holds you down and you’re unable to move quickly enough from the dark thoughts that haunt you around every corner.

And its at this point when you know you’re at your wits end because now what have affected you psychologically is also affecting you physically (or vice versa) and it has consumed you whole and left you falling down a dark bottomless pit.

Fourth.

You lose your mind.

The truth is that your mind was probably already lost from the beginning. However, mindless, you don’t realize it until your thoughts and actions are centered on him/her. You can’t think or do anything without the person pulling at your strings. When you lose your mind you lose yourself.

I was no longer thinking about myself, I was thinking about Jon around the clock, and I knew (from what I read) this was normal at first. I replayed the phone conversation over and over; and like a recovering alcoholic; suddenly blacked out pieces were starting to form in my mind that I may not have heard or put much weight on at the time.

Wait a minute? Did he really say, “I don’t wanna stop hanging out, I just need more–”

“Hey, Lance…I was seeing this guy and this is how it went down…” I explained, “He looked so solemn when I went to his apt. his voice sounded ok, but his face was serious and calm. I’ve never seen him like before.

“Did I do the right thing?”

I still don’t have that answer. My girlfriend said, “Yes, he wanted to still hang out for the sex.”  And my guy friend said, “He probably doesn’t know how to express himself. He’s barely 25, and has the emotional state of a 17 year old.”

So now completely besides myself in guilt and angst I remember that his moving date was coming up, and that I would call a few days after he had settled to see how he was and hopefully that would signal we could be on friendly terms. It didn’t fully dawn on me that Jon would be mad or upset over breaking things off. Why would he be angry? He didn’t want to be with me? It really was his choice or ultimatum, I never asked him to choose to see me exclusively.

What if he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again? Some people do hold grudges, especially if they perceived themselves as being wronged. Did I wrong him or did he wrong me? As a functioning zombie going through lots of talk therapy with friends, I realized how we both failed at communication and meeting each others’ expectations. Not to mention our insecurities getting in the way.

So, after hurling my first decent meal I picked up the phone and called him. I left a message. And eventually went to sleep.

By midday the next day, I realized that I needed closure, and thought that even if Jon was upset or wanted nothing to do with me; I had to be ok with that. Was he trying to send a message that I wasn’t worth speaking to, even though I just wanted to see if everything was ok, still be on friendly terms? I guess the transition to friendship was too unrealistic.  So I sent what I thought would be my last (and most regrettable) text:

Hey Jon, I guess by ignoring me, you wanted me to feel low? Point taken. I was reaching out to the friend I thought I had in you. I didn’t think that when you broke up with me that we caste each other out of our lives.

And that was it. I went for a walk, chatted with friends, made plans. I had a cooking demo at my house (one of the last plans I made to do with Jon) that night, and went to bed feeling like it was over, finally over.

And as I closed my eyes, I imagined myself getting into the relationship mobile Jon, and gunning down the highway into the Rabbithole to an unfamiliar place. The steep curves and hills, are little more pronounced and the warning signs are now clearer. As a passenger in this vehicle, I may have anticipated that the straight and narrow road we were on may have been deceiving; after all I was probably more prepared than he was to break things off, rather than stay and make it work.

Did he really not see it coming?

Ch 14. The Long Road Ahead

Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Rape is not just India’s problem

TheGirl:

Rape is a worldwide problem. It is a Black and White problem, a Young and Old problem, a Married and Single problem, and a Man’s and Woman’s problem.

Originally posted on British Asian Woman:

*Trigger warning* This post contains potentially disturbing material of rape

Picture the scene. A woman in a bar. Dressed up for a night out, drinking and having fun. A group of men at the other side spot her. She leaves her drink on the table with her friend and goes to the toilet. She comes back and finishes the drink. Gradually she becomes more and more giddy, as if going under an anaesthetic.

She wakes up in hospital with sharp stabbing pains in her groin and pelvic area. Her legs and arms are covered in bruises. Her left eye is so badly swollen she can barely see out of it. She has no recollection of the night before, what happened to her or how she ended up in hospital.

It transpires that her drink had been spiked. She was taken outside and gang raped by the group of men that…

View original 496 more words

Longer Preview to Chapter 13

no superman, sketch!bravo, interracial couple, blog, romance, relationship problems, true story, reporter and the girl, blovel, break ups, moving on, losing someone you love

Chapter 13: Quiet…Its a Breakdown not a Breakup details a sudden and dramatic turn of events in Jon and Sabrien’s relationship. A once bright golden couple filled with laughter and shriek, is dark and silent.

Chapter 13 will post Friday 1/18. In the meantime please enjoy the longer preview:

Hey Jon, I guess by ignoring me, you wanted me to feel low? Point taken. I was reaching out to the friend I thought I had in you. I didn’t think that when you broke up with me that we caste each other out of our lives…..

Tune in 1/18/2013

wordpress blog, wordpress challenge, 2013 challenge, reporter and the girl

The Only Thing Worse Than a Disney Princess is a Disney Prince

TheGirl:

So much for the fairy tale romance folks!!!

Originally posted on allisms:

But seriously, y’all.

The traditional Disney Prince has about as much sparkle and panache as something completely lacking in sparkle and panache. He has  a creative name like “The Prince” “Prince Charming” “Prince Phillip” “Prince Eric” or “Prince Adam” (that’s the actual name of the Beast, apparently), and no personality. Ok, well, the Beast has a personality, but the only thing anyone else does is be obsessively fixated on some girl he met once in the woods.

Has anyone ever thought that maybe the reason that little boys (generally) don’t like playing princess games is because there’s nothing for them to DO? What prince is actually interesting enough that a little boy would want to dress up like him? What prince actually does anything that a little boy (or anyone for that matter) would want to do? Hey, Mom, today I’m going to roleplay as Prince Charming. I will stand…

View original 246 more words