ch14

Chapter 14: Long Road Ahead

It’s dark and silent.

Even with my window curtain and panel opened to bring in as much August air, my room is surprisingly dark and quiet for a summer’s night in New York City. The street lights are an orange glow that seem to dim rather than saturate my room; and the neighborhood kids must have decided to turn in early.

Its Quiet.

Or maybe I fell too far down that hole again.

The car, the date, his lips, his words, but I can’t see his face. I’m in the car, he drives we hold hands, we’re going on a date; I said “So you think this is a date?”

The crash.

We crashed. He drove too fast. I held his hand, and he couldn’t—-

RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wake up, to remember its Wednesday night.

Nine days ago, I told a guy that I really liked and deeply cared for that I was going speed dating to meet other single Men; in hopes that he would convince me not to…because we were an item, –because he felt things that I felt, but could not describe.

But instead he wanted to come too. So we broke things off. He changed his mind about speed dating.

This morning I sent him a text and thought that would be the last I ever talked to him, because he was too angry to speak to me.

Now he calls, and I shakily answered the phone…reminding myself I had to be strong, that I had my time to grieve and let everything out and Jon didn’t. That I was going to be an emotional punching bag for this boy that is emotional unstable. And I could dish it. Anyway, hadn’t I asked for this? For Jon to reach out to me no matter state he was in…what piece of work I…

Hello?” I said cautiously.

Hi Sabrien, Its Jon….I’m sorry for calling so late, I was out drinking with my friends…got a little drunk”

Crap.

Are you drunk now? Where are you, are you safe?” I asked.

Yeh yeh..you know it doesn’t take much with me, I’m by the train station….look I got your message, I wasn’t trying to ignore you Sabrien….so busy” says Jon.

Ohhh…its ok, I guess I just felt, um —as long you’re ok” I replied.

I know you were wishing me well with the move and everything which seemed like a good reason on your part to call…..” He continued.

My stomach knotted

I really was concerned, cause he asked for my help and I agreed, until….I wish I had called earlier maybe I still could have came to help. But I didn’t…..

But my dad came. Its fine here, except for a neighbor that….” Jon continued.

I was boderlining between joy, elation, frustration, and sadness. I was extremely happy and sad to hear his voice, though heavily inebriated; and frustrated and elated that even though we exchanged a brief banter….it was too thin to be veiled like “old times.” Our cracked and fatigued voices, begged for answers. I desperately wanted to forget last week and just pick –

Please don’t think I’m ignoring you, I had a ten hour day and I just wanted to sleep last night-” He whimpered.

“HOW COULD YOU SAY I BROKE UP WITH YOU?!?! I NEVER WANTED TO STOP SEEING YOU!!!…. I MISS YOU SABRIEN, I MISS YOU! I don’t hate you… I’m fond of you, SO VERY FOND OF YOU!….” Jon screamed into his phone.

Umm…

I now was off the fence and thrown into complete shock by his outburst. It was out of character, even for the boy that I labeled an unstable emotionally immature lonely drug addict (In case you missed that chapter), to just “lose it.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were hurt, you seem ok…and I reached out” I stammered.


I’M

NOT

HURT?!!

YOU think I’m NOT emotionally wounded?! I AM, SO THERE! YOU WOUNDED ME!” He retorted.


I’m sorry Jon, I wasn’t trying to do that…I don’t know, I never wanted to break up, I like you too. So much more than you understood.” I pleaded.

It was true….sober or drunk I don’t think Jon would have ever understood how much I cared about him. Its too deep, not even I understood the roots of the being that grew to consume me mind, body and soul. I’d give up any one of those for him.

NO! You were just using me!! And you were MAD at me!!!” He accused.


“I don’t- using you for what?” I asked. Really tell me.


“I don’t know.” He answered.


“Jon, I did care…I even paid your parking ticket for you, without telling you and…” I tried to explain.


“THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME!!!!!” I could imagine him sitting outside the subway station, yelling his soul over the cell phone as onlookers distanced themselves warily from him.

NOTHING!!! I JUST WANT YOUR BODY….YOUR BODY!!!” He continued.


“How many other men have you had sex with? YOU’RE INEXPERIENCED, and kept joking about how young I was and how you were going to jail, TELL ME HOW MANY? DID YOU ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH THEM, SABRIEN?!? YOU HATED IT WITH ME!!!” He demanded.


“Look everyone’s experience is different….not about being inexperienced…..What happened between us is no one’s fault. Its about our feelings, they didn’t match up we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Its not about wrong or right or who to blame. We just felt differently about each other. And that’s ok” I replied, almost a little too mechanically as it was one of the lines I remembered from a break-up advice site. I felt it was true, or at least I could believe it…that in the end maybe Jon didn’t feel the same way and I got —


“YOU SEE! YOU
DON’T GET IT SABRIEN!!!! THERE IS BLAME!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU’RE THE BLAME!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT I DON’T FEEL ABOUT YOU THE WAY YOU WANTED TOO!”

I won’t bore you with all 90 minutes of this conversation, I’m not sure if the snippets are in order. But the last thing I said to him in a very tearful way, was that I tried really really hard to show my true feelings for him and reassure him that I liked him, and I was sorry that he couldn’t see it.

And hung up.

I texted him again apologizing for anything insensitive that may have occurred.

Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.

A quiet night shattered by a crash.

Ch. 15 Truth and Reckoning

I’m not interested in that Sabrien”

For a moment, I thought I was looking at the face of another man. He did not possess the boyish good looks or charm that mesmerized me. As he shoved down his food, me still having no appetite, I realized what had changed. He was revealing himself to me, his truth. And it was ugly. Jon repulsed me.

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

93 thoughts on “Chapter 14: Long Road Ahead

    1. An American In A Foreign World

      Wow!
      You’re righting style is excellent!
      I am going to be following you, praying for you along your journey. All the while, you are reminding me that I should be grateful to be in my 40’s and married with all the drama behind me.

      Reply
      1. TheGirl Post author

        Hi American in Foreign World,

        Thanks for stopping by and I’m glad you enjoyed my writings, come on aboard and make yourself at home here!

  1. Gina Marie

    I really like your writing style. But ugh, it sounds like an uncomfortable conversation. Nicely documented, though! ;-)

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Gina Marie,

      Thanks for coming by, well would you believe very few conversations make me uncomfortable? But something about Jon…always made it hard to say they right things. I dunno, but you’re right, it brought up question marks.

      Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Christa,

      Thanks for the compliments…it was hard for to write it, because it brought up memories as well, but at least the truth resonates with alot of people. Thanks again for stopping by

      Reply
  2. Spokesman David

    “The Girl”… I would like to be your token “Old Guy”. My spouse and I have raised four daughters (In many ways the job is incomplete) and reading your blog sure rekindles some long forgotten memories. I would like to suggest that while your blog is as well written as any novel I have read for purely recreational reasons, it may also be therapeutic to many, many, readers, both male and female. Parts of it make me laugh and other parts bring tears. There are many written words that cause emotion, both good or bad. Your writing actually provides “relief”, simply by demonstrating that there are others on the planet who suffer in the same way and find joy in similar circumstance. Most of all… it gives the reader a clear – No holds barred – right to keep living their own special dream, with total belief that it will in time, be fulfilled. The true prize, is the ability to separate the actual GOOD, from our often distorted view of what we believe it to be… Thank you for visiting my blog at http://www.fivespokewheel.com... Your new – OLD – friend David

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Dave!

      I appreciate you coming and sharing your thoughts with me. I looked around your blog and in your intro you stated the same sentiments I had when I wrote the first article and someone suggested that I start a blog. But I find that as I write honestly about all that happened between and Jon and I, no matter how tough it is….hearing you guys share your experiences remind me that I’m not alone and other people can relate and that things do get better. Perhaps, if I had known that at the time I wouldn’t have had regrets. But I’m glad that as I keep posting that even though sometimes I still don’t understand what happened, someone else can give me insight. Thanks for stopping by!

      Reply
  3. Marie Dina

    While I have sympathy for the girl. I feel she is allowing herself to be brought down to a level of depression. I blog on dating and am writing a book touching this very subject.We as women must never allow our selves to be so captured by the idea of love that we surrender our total self. It is a dangerous thing. This girl need to put more value on herself and not allow another human being to take so much of her that she has little left of herself.

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Marie,

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Its true, we don’t realize how much of ourselves we give until its all gone. And you can say it really was a Depression. I hope your book can address how women can value themselves more and how we can still give and love without hurting ourselves. Please give us an update when the book is completed!

      Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Hady1100,

      Thanks for stopping by and enjoy reading the older chapters to catch yourself up. Please do come back and let me know what you think once you’ve caught up!

      Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi TroubleAgain!

      Thanks for stopping by and I appreciate your encouraging words. I’m glad you like my writings and I hope to hear from you again! Have a great weekend!

      Reply
      1. troubleagain

        thank you :)
        have a great weekend too!
        *by the way I’m still reading your stories and I love them! <3 <3 <3
        Do you have your own book? If you don't havd your own, you should!! I will totally buy your book then!! ^_^
        Xx troubleagain

  4. ShannonRaelynn

    I love the back and forth in this chapter. I found myself feeling a little hopeful and tentative, at first and by the end very frustrated with him. I’d have hung up too.

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi ShannoneRaeLynn,

      Glad to hear from you again! Now that I think about it you can definitely say there was a power struggle..of sorts. Makes you wonder what this relationship was really built on?

      Reply
  5. alwaysadvancing

    Reading your article has triggered me to recall a past. Haha either I started recalling too much details that was required, the typing in the comment jammed and of course the whole typing disappeared. Nevertheless, I like your blog, your style of writing too much to not leave a note :)

    In brief, I am glad I now can recall the past, the experienced love that no matter how my mind, my being tried to run away from before it could start, just took hold of me, and now I can recall without the depth of sadness and, torture. It was an encounter I could not escape. Coincidentally, he was a New Yorker. I learnt a lot and it was like I had to learn the stuff he brought to me, or triggered me. I suppose I’ll always love him, but it does not matter anymore, as we all have to move on.

    The years of sadness and pain, can be reduced, even not resolved totally, with

    time

    faith

    and knowing life ahead is meaningful and positive for some good reasons :)

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Always Advancing,

      That is some truly inspirational words, I guess now it really is about looking forward and knowing that life has something more meaningful in store. Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words!

      Reply
  6. alicedy

    Fabulous read! I am a very youthful 52 year old woman who has had a rich, wonderful, tragic, unique, precious, torrid, ride, so far. I remember life in my twenties like it was yesterday. I think your writing is awesome, just awesome. Thank you for a great experience this evening. You have a lot of talent -your perspective is fresh and insightful.

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Alicedy,

      Thanks for coming by, and I’m glad you enjoyed my writings as feedback from my audience gives me some guidance. I hope to hear from you again!

      Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi DeathBeddeCameron,

      Thanks for stopping by, I’m glad you can relate and would be open to hearing your experiences. Feel free to share!!

      Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi You Monsters Are People,

      Strange…I didn’t see it as me breaking his heart or even breaking up with him, since he said he’s rather see other people. Oh well, I hope you tune in this Friday for Ch. 15 “Truth and Reckoning” to find out what was really going on…

      Reply
  7. Wo3lf

    First price is when the you click emotionally and physically. That doesn’t always happen and there is usually pain involved in finding out. But even if you do click on the right level, there is no guarantee for longevity of the relationship, too many outside factors that could interfere–if allowed. The important thing is not to allow your heart to get leathery in the process. We sometimes miss opportunities that way and you can’t love properly if you’re in self-defence mode. Damn, this sounds all so cheesy, sorry. I just wanted to say your writing is exciting, probably made more so by it being directly linked to your life. Good luck. Oh, and thanks for liking my post. That is how I discovered your blog.

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi wo3lf,

      I appreciate you coming and sharing some advice with me, strange thing is I don’t think there was outside influence, it’s like we both destroyed each other….if that makes sense. Oh well, thanks for stopping by..I always enjoy reading the feedbacks!

      Reply
      1. Wo3lf

        Oh, it’s not advice, just my humble two cents in the spirit of your real life narrative here. And yes, it does make sense. I had one or two relationships where we just weren’t enough for each other and instead of breaking up we resented one another. It happens.

  8. reikipixie

    having had my share of r’ships where communication was very lacking on the side of the man mostly, and sometimes from me (through fear), I can relate to this. I guess in time (i am 39 now) you come to realise that despite the fear, you have to say it like you feel it. The only way to have a proper r’ship of any kind, whether its friends (male or female) or more, is to be honest – put it out there. You do risk hearing things that hurt, or upset, but it’s better than not getting it out there and living in a questioning state, or in depression over imagined slights, or disinterest. Most of the time, the opposite of what you think, is true :-)

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      This is true, and I finally did put myself out there….prepare for the worse and I definitely got the worse….but at least I can say I was honest. Thanks for your advice and for stopping by!

      Reply
  9. inkspeare

    Interesting approach, but I’m confused; is this happening for real or is it fictional? That is what I understood. Do you create the awesome artwork as well?

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi again,

      Yes this is real, but names are changed. And The reporter does not know about this blog. I did not do the artwork, I’m in between artists now.

      Reply
  10. Jagoda Perich-Anderson, M.A.

    Great writing and great drawings–did you do those too? Thanks for visiting my blog — conflict tango dot com. Hope to see you there again.

    Reply
  11. Resilient Heart

    This is a remarkable blog! Just look at all the people leaving comments, lending their support and even sometimes advice. You write in such a way we can identify with you, OMG. Keep writing! I’m so pleased you stopped by my blog so I could find you here. Yes, indeed, please do keep writing. :) We all have so much to learn from one another, thanks for sharing. :)

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Resilient Heart,

      Thanks so much for coming by and sharing your sentiments, it is encouraging that people can relate and add in their 2 cents. it shows I’m not some crazy freak. I’m glad to have you on board, I enjoyed your musings so I hope you enjoy the ride, feel free to share and comment!

      Reply
      1. Resilient Heart

        LOL, I’d imagine more of us can relate than want to admit! Seriously, where do we learn about love, romance, etc., if we don’t see a healthy relationship in our parents growing up? Yes, you guessed, it! The media and we know that’s 100% accurate, LOL!

        Somehow we all seem to be able to survive the crazy dating ritual. I’ll be here, like others, cheering you along. :)

  12. Mr. E

    Nice post! Why do women read relationship breakup sites and / or listen to their girlfriends? “What happened between us is no one’s fault. Its about our feelings, they didn’t match up we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Its not about wrong or right or who to blame. We just felt differently about each other. And that’s ok” My ex girlfriend said almost exactly the same thing to me. I knew it was bs but I actually felt this way at the time and I think I still do.
    Well, today is one year since I saw my ex or even heard her voice. Neither her or I called each other once since. I think untrue feelings would have come up if we heard either’s voice. Two stubborn people…. like you said. :)
    I look forward to the next chapter!

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi Mr. E,

      Well, I was on the site, because I needed to figure out what was happening and why it happened. And I needed to talk to my friends because that’s how you grieve to get over it. And alot of that advice helped me because when we broke things off, I really did feel like I failed at making a relationship..when truth is, it’s not failure..you can’t make someone love you as much.

      But, Mr. E, if you really do care about her and want to make things work….I encourage you to give her a call. If things were as passionate as they were (and there was no hard feelings) and you’re willing to work at it…she probably thinks about you too!

      Reply
      1. Mr. E

        I was so relieved when I left my ex because I was emotionally exhausted. I had no true feelings of reconciliation until 8 months later ….. then at the end of summer ….. WHAM! I felt instantly disappointment, regret, loneliness, desperation and went into depression.

        I admit I visited a few breakup sites and talked to friends as well at that point. I had angry thoughts about what she could have done, what she should have done. Then thoughts of what I didn’t do or say or should have said to her. .After a while, you come to realize that some couples are not meant to be together.

        Of course I care about her but I’d rather see her happy, even if it is with someone else, so I don’t think I will be calling her. Honestly, there was not much passion in our relationship even from the beginning. I still don’t know why I wanted it to work but after 2 years, it was too hard to go on.

        In the end of November, feeling sad and depressed, I met a charming woman where I was having lunch alone and we instantly clicked, like you and Jon. There is no future with her for complicated reasons but I don’t feel quite so broken anymore.

      2. TheGirl Post author

        (Sigh) I understand….I hope it doesn’t hit like that where several months later, the depression just hits back. Oh well, I’ll shop till I drop that’ll make me feel better, then I’ll be too busy worrying about how to pay of the cc bills. Good Luck to you Mr. E on finding happiness!

  13. The Wangs

    It’s when the, “truth” of someone doesn’t induce vomit or fear, that you know you’ve found the one. You will find that person one day, Have Faith. It’s cliche to say, but it is the Truth. It happens at different times for different people, and when it does I hope you too will encourage someone who has been hurt, and disappointed by love.

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi TheWangs,

      Thanks for your feedback,I know good things will come to those who wait, and my long term goal is to be happy not “find love” as I already have it. Thanks for stopping by and I hope you come back soon!

      Reply
  14. Leo

    Writing with imagination, it`s great. do you do your own illustrations? My mind is too practical to write anything else but mechanical descriptions.;-( All the best Leo

    Reply
  15. Antoinette Clinton

    Nice work, “The Girl”…I like the short sentences preceding your paragraphs – that is a very nice and interesting style.

    Reply
  16. gingerjudgesyou

    Lovely writing! Relationships are tricky and I’ve met my fair share of weird and wonderful people. I have no doubt you’ll find someone worthwhile and I look forward to reading THAT chapter!

    Reply
    1. TheGirl Post author

      Hi GingerJudgesYou,

      Oh I’m a little self-conscious…just kidding. Yep, I guess it doesn’t help that I’m probably one of those weird people.

      Reply
  17. John Moniqlo

    Reblogged this on Six feet and not an inch and commented:
    “Look everyone’s experience is different….not about being inexperienced…..What happened between us is no one’s fault. Its about our feelings, they didn’t match up we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Its not about wrong or right or who to blame. We just felt differently about each other. And that’s ok”

    And girls always are the first to be hurt but they do not realize that the other has been hurt too. They want friendship as the only sorry gift but that does not heal anything. Girls are more self-centered that boys..

    Reply

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