Chapter 15: Truth and Reckoning

Hey, I’m going to be downtown on Friday afternoon…do you wanna meet up for lunch or something and talk?

He responded pretty quickly, considering….

Yes, I think we should too. Friday it is.

Well at least he agrees that we should definitely see each other and talk about…us, or maybe just what happened. You know clear the air…then be friends…cause that’s all that’s left.

Right?

Friday was the next day. I was going to come face to face with Jon…and…I definitely wasn’t sad…I was too busy thinking about how we would discuss last night’s conversation; he would apologize for being so crude and I would comfort him, tell him there was no harm no foul, we would make great friends…I’d pick him up after he was broken.

I had no time to feel sad…at least not as sad as I did before; Jon was hurt and I needed be strong for both of us.

Ok time out from narration.

Would it be strange to say that I knew this was going to happen? Well, not the drunk call and stuff, but I knew that I would see Jon by Friday. That we would meet for lunch and that I may have even planned something to wear and had my hair done in time…I don’t know but I knew before the week started, that another cold weekend couldn’t go by without us speaking.

I’m here, under the scaffolding I texted.

I waited under the construction shelter to protect myself from the blaring heat of the sun. It was the typical dog days of August in New York City and it was too hot and steamy to wait underground. As I waited for him, my intestines began to move and form knots, one by one while each knot pulled tighter and tighter….

I suddenly remembered being back underground at the platform, waiting for Jon…to talk. It was a long time ago, we also hadn’t spoken in the days prior as well; only agreed to meet so we can talk…about us. About sex? Feelings? Control?

The knots turned into a shear shriek inside as it did before; waiting for Jon, I realized that I didn’t know what was going to happen to us next. I couldn’t even imagine his face anymore as I had spent the past several days trying to forget.

And there, in a sea of people, I spotted him. Like I always do. He’s always looking straight ahead as if walking to a destination and not actually wandering to meet someone. His face carried the same look as before, when I waited for him: sullen, eyes wandering but he never turned his head, lips sparsely open as if realizing that he had reached it.

Wait a minute….that day at the station did he think I wouldn’t show up?

“JON!”

I said loud, sharp, and cool. Maybe not as cool, but I casually stood and crossed over to him.

Ok, Sabrien time to drop those balls.

“Hey…” I looked at him, and instinctively leaned in and embraced him. It was what he done for me and now I should for him…because we shouldn’t greet each other as strangers. We were more than that, and that’s what we needed to do when we see each other.

“Oh” he sighed out as he wrapped his arms embracing back. I guess he wasn’t expecting that?

*****

We settled on some half-ass taco joint. Though I was very happy to see Jon, the knots in my stomach were long gone and had been replaced by shrieking fear. Do you know how that feels? I can only describe it as a waving sensation like when one is panicked or surprised, it waves from your stomach to your chest as if something or someone is shrieking inside of you.

“Oh I’m not hungry, thanks…just a water bottle.” I said.

We started with small talk…..his move to the new apartment, work,—

“Look, I didn’t know that you were upset ok, about what you said last night— do you remember?” I stumbled.

“What? No, I don’t remember a thing about last night, I was so drunk…” Jon said, as he continued eating what I only remember as a vile creation attempting to pass off as Mexican food.

My heart sank. How could he not remember? It’s not fair; he needed to take responsibility for it.

“Well, you said a lot of horrible of things about me not caring and blaming me…” I trailed off.

“Listen, Sabrien.” Jon said with such authority, that I jerked up to find his eyes…the only part of him that made me feel comfort. But I only felt cold.

“I don’t know what was going through your mind when you asked me to see each other exclusively…yeah at the time I was heading there and I was thinking about it. But after the way you just went crazy on the phone and broke things off, I’m glad I didn’t make that mistake to be with you.”

He took a break from his meal to gulp down a drink and lean back in his chair confidently with his right arm stretched over the back of the empty chair next to him.

“In fact, I’m glad we broke things off, because this showed me your true self. I mean think about it Sabrien, we had only known each other a few weeks!! You don’t know me well enough as a person to know that you like me [as a person].” He said. He had such conviction in his voice. But it was true, where were we all this time?

He’s right, from time that we met in front of the state building and had our first “date” at a bar not too far from here, to this moment, it had only been a month.

I’m confused; I didn’t come here for this. I thought we were going to talk about a very immature phone call and apologize for the things that were said, and maybe just shake on it. But instead the guilt is now overcome by a wave of shame as my shoulders slunk forward and my mind jumbled to form a sentence. My heart had sank so low at this point, that it seemed to carry my worthless self forward, where my face met the table.

How could I have let myself get carried away? I thought there was something, he had asked me…?

“We have nothing else in common except BDSM.” He ended. I looked up and still sitting there confidently, Jon had slipped his poker face. He had a slight smirk, not on his lips, but his eyes.

Is he enjoying this?

“So what!” I sat back, I needed answers! “What would you say we were, if you felt that we could head that way. We were just dating?” I demanded.

No, Sabrien. We weren’t dating, we just went on a few dates. And that’s it.” They were no longer smirking at me, they’re cold as ice.

For a moment, I thought I was looking at the face of another man. He did not possess the boyish good looks or charm that mesmerized me. As he shoved down his food, me still having no appetite, I realized what had changed. He is revealing himself to me, his truth. And it is ugly.His eyes in the light had pinholes for pupils, and I could not see myself in them. The brown marks on his teeth bothered me.

Jon repulsed me.

“I’m not interested in that Sabrien”

I reached for his hand and umm…maybe a little too loudly with my eyes and lips, “Look, maybe we can go for another try…I’m not crazy, I can control myself, really…I thought there was something there…but I know now…I want to get to know you as a person, because I do like you.” I said, holding on tightly.

But I saw it in his face and I already knew what he was gonna say. He knew too, I saw him looked down as I held his hand. Surprised but happy, no satisfied.

“Oh…I don’t know” He said.

“Come on” I bit my lip and forced a smile, “like old times. Couldn’t we just..?”

He sighed. “You know you look really pretty in this skirt today, and I love your hair, let me touch it.”

No not like old times.

As we walked towards his building…we talked more.

“So we take it slow, just friends…” I asked. Isn’t that what we wanted?

“No, Sabrien. I can’t do that.” He looked at me, a little gentler but still holding to his guns.

“But what you said, about knowing each other as a person…” I asked.

“Look, I’m not interested in that, we can still have sex but none of the other stuff”

“So you want a friend with benefits?” I asked, disgusted. “You really were just using me?”

“And if, hypothetically I said I was?” Jon asked.

“Then I would be mad.” I retorted.

“Look we can be friends, you can come over, but I’m not gonna want to hang out as much.” He said.

“So you want me out of your life? Never see each other again?” I asked. It really pained me to think that he could so easily rid me…but I guess since he never felt anything…

We now were negotiating back and forth the terms of this “friendship.”

“I just don’t see it that way, Sabrien. I could have sex with someone I hated. I’m not saying I’ve done this, but I would pay for sex. Sex is a commodity.” He said.

“I’ll think about it, I’m not promising anything.” I answered.

Where the hell did my balls go?

“I’ll call you this weekend,” I continued.

“Ok, now my boss is going to kill me because I’ve been on a nearly two hour lunch break” He said.

“If I call, will you answer?” I asked, knowing the answer already.

“Yes, now woman I need to get back to work!” He replied. And hugged goodbye. I smiled.

I walked away feeling that something was accomplished, although nothing was solved. I walked and walked until I decided that there was nothing really for me to do downtown and made my way back to the station.

I tried not to think about what happened, I certainly do not want to get back with Jon, but he did not want to be friends. I now hated him and felt disgusted that he would violate such personal boundaries just to get —

“Excuse me, Miss?” An older gentleman stepped forward. “I’m very interested in your chest.”

Ch. 16 Frenemies

He probably knew what I was trying to do, but could see right through it. He hastily dropped the conversation. “I’ll see you on Monday.” He said and hung up.

I was trying to ignore this nagging voice, cover it up with my feelings. But this time the voice, the red flag was too loud to ignore.

Does he hate me?

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

66 thoughts on “Chapter 15: Truth and Reckoning

  1. If I understand it right – you are telling a true story – but in a narrative way. It is an up and down story – and if this is your life, I am sorry to enter just when you reach this point of the relationship! best wishes to you!

  2. After my walk I’ll come back and read this and some others .. Your writing has captured my attention and I need to read on!

  3. I just caught up from chapter 1 – so much drama! I don’t know how you cope with it in your life! And was chapter 9 written by Jon? Or was that you imagining things from Jon’s perspective? Either way, I particularly liked that chapter! It’s always interesting to see the two sides of the story. Thanks for stopping by my blog! =)

    1. Hi Little Miss Ling,

      Thanks for coming by and reading! Yep Ch 9: Superman was written by me, after I got a little more perspective from speaking with Jon**, I enjoyed your blog and don’t be a stranger, I hope to see you again soon!

  4. My question is the same as the first… it would be easier if I just… go… and.. read.. chapter 1! Like what I’ve read so far .. but Jon has to G O!

    1. Hi bfly30,

      Thanks for stopping by, and sharing your feedback. I wish it was as easy, but as I explained in the earlier chapters….he’s the only one that I “Let in”…thus, it is very hard for me to let him out…I still can’t imagine what life was like before I met him….oh well, but I’m starting to imagine life after him.

  5. Hello, TheGirl. :D First things first, I’m glad that you liked the post on my blog. I was able to find your blog and read this interesting chapter that you wrote. Human relationships have never been a large strong point with me, but as I read this chapter, I found myself becoming interested in the dynamic between the main character and this young man named ‘Jon’.

    Gotta say, I find myself relating to this. So I’ll be reading more. You have a simple style that engages the reader without making things endlessly complicated. Unlike me, haha! Thanks again, and I’ll be visiting again.

    1. Hi Gaseimasha,

      No prob, I appreciate that you took time to come see me! I think you and I both have that in common where we just do not have strong human relationship skills….but nonetheless I tried. Anyway, thanks for the compliments regarding my writing, it’s encouraging that I’m doing things right so far.

      I hope to hear from you again!

  6. I really like the juxtaposition of the 1950s – it may be early 1960s – graphics with this contemporary story. It’s very effective!
    I’m sorry that I couldn’t seem to give you a Like – it seems possible only through FaceBook (I really just had to say good-bye to FB!)
    Is there another way to leave a Like? i’m not the brightest bulb on the tree.

    1. Hi Claire Marie O’Brien

      Thanks for stopping by my page, sure there is another way..if the button on the bottom of my page is not working, then on the top of your page should be a grey WordPress toolbar, which tells you the name of my site and then have the option to Like/Unlike and Follow Blog.

      I hope this works and to hear from you again!

  7. This sounds like the man wanting more then the woman is willing to give. Men just can’t seem to earn it with being respectful only dominate. Huge turn off too. Anybody can dominate but not problem solve or even make an intelligent timely decision. It is always head games with the ones that only know to dominate to make their points of “I ultimately need you to make my decisions for me but not tell anybody”. The adult still needing the direction of a Mommy or Daddy. No respect from me to be had in that. I am only a mom to my child and that is where “Mommy” role ends.

    1. Hi MkesLing63,

      Thanks for coming by and sharing your sentiments.

      I agree that our relationship had a lot of power/control issues, instead of just sharing the mic. Hopefully that is something Jon and I can learn from and grow.

      I hope to see you again soon!

  8. I had an ex (very ex) who could be Jon’s twin. Too many head games. I was broken when we split though, but I healed.
    I’m married to someone else now. The way I see it is – if I hadn’t experienced the utter car crash of the “Jon” relationship I wouldn’t have know how to build something entirely better and healthy with a good man when one did finally come along.

    1. Hi NineOhBlind90,

      That is true, It took me a while to see that he was playing head games (and I played some too). But its strange, you’re not trying to play a game, it’s just so hard to tell it like it is.

      Anyway you’re right, now I know what it feels like and will definitely be more cautious before I enter into a relationship with anyone else.

      Thanks for sharing!

  9. I must admit to agreeing with those that said “he has to go”. I’m not 100% sure where the kink comes into your relationship. The fact that he was Mr Switch indicates that you are both switches but it seems all over the place (but then I don’t “understand” being a switch as I am completely dominant). Your relationship (or what is now FWB) is an emotional roller coaster… Too much for me to cope with.

    There will be other men and ultimately someone that you can show your inner self to without looking crazy or needy, you will just look wonderful. Go and find him.

    1. Hi Miss

      I wouldn’t have identified myself as a switch, but I switched for him.You know, the thing about Jon…I think the only thing he knew about kink was from the videos on the internet. I don’t think he saw it as a lifestyle or understand the deep trust and connection you need to build. It was just something fun to do during sex.

      And maybe he didn’t know what he wanted…in Ch 5. He said maybe 1/3 him on bottom and me on top, 1/3 me on bottom and him on top, and 1/3 just Jon and Sabine. So that’s why for a while it seemed all over.

      And now I’m starting to think he was a sociopath. Or maybe not cause maybe he was hurting…

  10. Hey Girl :) Thanks for checking into my blog, I appreciate it! Definitely got caught up in your writing; I can’t relate completely, but I definitely know the kind of trust needed to bring any kind of kink into the bedroom. The fact that he just blew that off makes me ache for you.

    At risk of offering unwanted advice, just remember to hold your own self as your first priority, ya hear? Sounds like he’s got enough of a superiority complex without you going maudlin over his feelings. Blogger love <3

    1. Hi Emily,

      I liked your blog and I’m glad you came by to check out my story! Yes, once you break someone’s heart its nearly impossible to rebuild that trust. I appreciate and welcome your advice; for now I am priority and doing the things that make me happy. I hope you stop by again!

  11. Hi TheGirl,

    Thank you for your interest on my last post about relationships. Reading yours I feel that can very much feel the same confusion and loss of energy in yours right now. And I see a clear picture of many of my past relationships in yours. Even clearer of what you can imagine.

    I tell you with my heart on my hand (Spanish expression – sorry I don’t know the homonym expression in English) that there are other kind of relationships in which creation is the base to build up from. I don’t know if you have read other posts in which I explain how did I get to meet my REAL LIFE PARTNER but after years of scenes like the one you describe in this post I got to know that there are A LOT of things we are not aware of. Now, step by step I am discovering part of them and day after day is more and more amazing. And not only about my relationship, also about my life.

    I would like to share so many things!!! :) The way I can share now with you is through my blog. Otherwise I would finish the space in your blog for comments!!! Oh My God!! :-)

    So here I go, I hope this can help you :-):

    Here you can see how lost I was: http://myrelationshipjourney.wordpress.com/2012/11/04/creating-our-lives-together-but-are-we-really-part-1/

    And this can give you an idea of my journey (a bit) of finding my life partner: http://myrelationshipjourney.wordpress.com/2012/09/

    I have learned tools about live and relationships that no one taught me before.
    Here my partner and I are sharing one of the most private moments of our relationship, if you listen to the audio you will be able to hear us in a very intimate time of sharing, real as life.

    http://myrelationshipjourney.wordpress.com/2012/07/

    This has been built over something different that no school will teach you ever (unfortunately).

    If you want to know more, just contact me, I will be more than glad to explain you more.
    Now I am living the real adventure of a real partnership. Now I can see that the rest of relationships I had were a waste of time. And we have more in common that what you can think now :) .

    With love,

    Laura

    http://myrelationshipjourney.wordpress.com

    1. Hi Laura,

      Thanks you for coming by and giving me great feedback! Its seems that you have gone through alot in terms of finding the right partner…and I’m not so quick to judge this as a waste because I did learn from it…including what I want and don’t want from a partner. Thus, I have a lot to thank Jon for because I’ll be better prepared for the right person.

      Good luck and best wishes on your journey, as mine is just beginning!

      –TheGirl

  12. Thanks for liking my post. I’m loving writing and love it when I get feedback from people who enjoy reading it.
    I’m impressed with your blog, for someone who ‘doesn’t let people in’, your writing is brutally honest. I admire that. Very brave.
    Gee

    1. Hi Gee,

      No prob, thanks for coming by and sending your compliments! I really don’t I guess I have found an outlet in writing that helps with letting things out….I hope to see you again soon!

  13. Sabine,

    I am all types of caught up now. I knew this was going to be good but THIS GOOD??! This is amazing. I’m guessing from your About Me that things do workout, but I ready your comments above and it sounds like it didnt. Confused! I’m looking forward to the upcoming chapters. And congrats on the nomination!

    1. Hi Rachelle,

      Thanks for your feedback and support. I guess we can say that I’m confused too…there’s more to come between Jon and Sabine. Thanks for following my story!

      –TheGirl

      1. 🌹 Well I can imagine its not. Love is brutal and shows no mercy. It is only when a person can find what they are looking for within themselves will they ever come to terms with loving someone else…., I’m still wrestling with that one, but it’s nice to know it’s achievable. 😊

  14. Well done! I couldn’t stop reading, and having been through a few of these situations myself (just recently, in fact), I could so identify with what you are going through. Why do we put up with it? I swear lust starts so many problems and offers no solutions, but when it shows up, sense goes…
    Hang in there and keep writing…

  15. I haven’t checked in here for a while because I thought it was getting boring, but the last few posts are good quality so I guess I’ll add you back to my daily bloglist. You deserve it my friend :)

  16. Great writing! Ugh! I hate him, he is so arrogant and annoying. Don’t you wish we could turn our emotions off like they seem to and just snap back when they hurt us! I can’t wait to read the next chapter!

  17. The path of a Romantic is always strewn with perils. Its not easy to be in love.. and its for sure that if with someone you “fall” in love – that’s never a good thing. Only when the other person makes you “Rise” in love you will find real love. Its always a deja vu when I read the experiences as you wrote. Your ability to write only made it that more real, but somehow the Eternal Romantic Optimist in me cudnt stop myself from standing beside and say, Girl, with so much love, you will always be in love.

    http://abodeofhorus.wordpress.com/2006/06/27/perils-of-an-eternal-romantic-optimist/

  18. I just want to mention I’m very new to weblog and definitely loved your website. More than likely I’m likely to bookmark your website . You amazingly come with terrific articles. Bless you for sharing with us your website.

  19. Hey TheGirl
    I love your style and have been reading your blog since you liked a post on mine ( thanks by the way)
    If I may give a piece of -perhaps unwanted- advice: Jon is a sociopath and has to go. Like, now. Honestly, from what you’re describing he’s abusive and immature. No one needs that.
    Looking forward to more posts!

    1. Hi hun,

      Thanks for following! And its my pleasure to visit other blogs.

      I do wonder about Jon’s health. I’m always concerned about it. Sometimes in place of my own welfare.

      But thank you for expressing your concerns, it means a lot to me.

      TheGirl

  20. Reblogged this on Six feet and not an inch and commented:
    “I couldn’t even imagine HER face anymore as I had spent the past several days trying to forget.”
    ” “Hey…” I looked at HER, and instinctively leaned in and embraced HER. It was what SHE done for me and now I should for HER…because we shouldn’t greet each other as strangers. We were more than that, and that’s what we needed to do when we see each other.” (SM North last meeting with Belle McMesa)
    ” ..I mean think about it BELLE, we had only known each other a few weeks!! You don’t know me well enough as a person to know that you like me [as a person].”

    I never believed in having a friend with benefits. Well yes, sex is a commodity but that does not happen for no reason. It should be done to someone you know you someday would be your spouse. Pre-marital sex happens but again it might happen but the word ‘marital’ is there so let marriage occur with that someone.

Now it's your turn to share!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s