And the heart grows….Stronger

Forgive me because I’m using an iPad for the first time, as I do not have access to a computer.

Happy Independence Day weekend to my fellow BBQ-ing Americans. If you have a life then you’re probably not sitting around reading my post (and if you are, well I’m writing it, so that makes me….) but I still love you all!

Love.

Defined as a sensation by many
Instilled as expectations long ago
Internal? Otherwise fatherly/motherly
Arriving on a whim when the right person appears
Expecting a feeling to erase all our unspoken fears
Emotionally, physically, magically, spontaneously degenerates
As easy as you fell in
Spontaneously, magically fall out
Hocus pocus when the pixie dust is gone
there appears all the wrongs
Slight of hand slight of heart
Tremendous hopes and expectations
Consequence of your heart’s misconception
Is that the love you have for me?
Shallow as your eyes can see?
My love deeper and lasting
Your goodness appreciating
My love is a choice (first)
Dealing for better or worst
Focus rooted in the good in you
Meaning
Investing in you part of me giving
In the emotional times when we are low
Indecision to stay or go
In at its lowest always grow
Looking for the good in you
Loving you as God intended
This is not a magical feeling
Or whimsical affection
It did not just happen
Created over time without ballooning expectation
How can I so easily say…still
Because my love is not a feeling nor a magic sensation
It is loves true definition
Of you to me

By NLJ

So these are honest words written by a man who is also learning about love’s true meaning. I was talking with the poet about the changes he experienced after the dissolution of his marriage. He doesn’t hate his ex, he wishes the best for her; forgives her and is living in a new chapter. And the reason he is able to turn the page, is because he is experiencing love’s true meaning.

Because when you have love, you can’t hate the people who wronged you. Even those who betrayed your deepest trust. I know this is true, because the opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference. It’s when you can truly forgive that person, you can move on.

Though the circumstances are different, I wonder why I seem to have trouble with that last step of forgiving and moving on? Everyday, things are getting better and I try to stay positive and appreciate things more; little things no longer seem little -like someone smiling or saying “Good morning” to you. But I can’t help waving from blame to disappointment or anger over the way Jon exploited me.

And other times he doesn’t cross my mind, or I don’t feel anything when I think of him. I don’t want to date again despite everyone else telling me to…and even trying to hook me up (that’s a post for next week); but it’s hard forgiving someone who callously uses others for his own benefit.

But all in good time. Moving on is different for everyone, and the steps aren’t laid out like a map.

One year ago this month, I experienced something that I never felt. I was in love: meaning that for first time I gave love and saw someone in his purest form and I still loved him. And it takes courage and inner strength to give that to someone. Especially someone who may not deserve it.

Now I’m not with that person, not because I stopped loving him; but because I realize that he did not feel the same way or is unwilling to give back. Thus he would hurt me more if I stayed. My love has changed over the course of time, and it may not go away.

Maybe for men it’s different. And I would like to hear more from male readers. Even though the poet and I talked on legnth about this topic, I know men are wired differently and may not experience the same love in every relationship and moving on is different from them.

In fact, he remarked, “A man wants to marry a woman who loves him more than he loves her.”

Me: “What?!”

“Because a guy is anticipating messing up.” And as women, if we love…we’re loyal enough to overlook it or forgive.

What is your true definition of love?

Your thoughts?

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Enjoy your weekend!

S.C “TheGirl” Rhyne

27 thoughts on “And the heart grows….Stronger

  1. I’ve had 2 women in my life who were into power. One said that I’d got away from her 400 years ago and wasn’t going to let that happen again. She still walked out. I was sad and at the same time relieved as she had a few psychological problems (in my view). I got over it and went looking for more and yes, we stay in touch.

  2. I understand. It’s hard to move on when you haven’t forgiven. It’s a hold on you that you carry around. When the time is right you will forgive, then you’ll let go. Do women love differently then men? I think they do. In the end we find it when we least expect it no matter the differences. BTW: I was touched by the poem. :-)

  3. I loved the poem, felt it too. What you had to say, grieve the man and when you are ready you will move on. Love is the man who won’t walk away, even when you push him because you feel so conflicted. Yet men aren’t deep enough to see what you are saying. When you love them but are afraid to love them because they might hurt you and leave you. Because you’ve met men before like the one you described above – so many times. Love is someone who looks at you and sees you, who really gets you and is interested in knowing more about you. Who partakes in a discussion and enjoys talking to you. Love is that person who is there. The man who you love, respect, trust, value and want to have in your life. And want to get to know more and never want them to leave.

  4. A post straight from the heart! The lines that jumped out at me are:

    “Hocus pocus when the pixie dust is gone
    there appears all the wrongs
    Slight of hand slight of heart.”

    Would this imply that we prefer to have pixie dust around us as we dare not face reality?

    Shakti

  5. Love and moving on are both very different for each person. Somebody can feel like they fell in love and never second guess it and stay with that person while another person who may have fallen love has a different view on relationships and how they should work out. The hardest part of any relationship is moving on, but sometimes getting hurt and picking yourself back up is the best thing you can do for yourself. You find the best version of yourself in that moment.

    1. Yes, that is true….I even noticed in the last few months; that when I started concentrating on me…and ME. I improved on some things in my life, and now have some exciting goals. So you do find the best of yourself, after facing such a life changer!

  6. They say to forgive and forget and also to forgive the person not their actions. These things are so difficult to do with all the pain you experience.

    Love varies in both genders and as you grow older your love changes also.

  7. Hope for your sake that you keep on falling in love and out of love for many years to come. It’s part of the beauty of life. Imagine how boring it would be if it was all easy and followed a set pattern:-)

  8. Two things stood out in your post in my mind. 1) The opposite of love is indifference and 2) your poet stated, “A man wants to marry a woman who loves him more than he loves her”. As a man I realized I am wired differently than women. I understand both statements because you really do not hate once you have love, you move on. I also tend to agree with the poet about wanting your wife to love you more than you love her. Not for any selfish reason like forgiveness when you mess up. I think men want to “perceive” the woman loves you more. That feeling men want is security in the marriage.

    1. Hey Edward,

      Yep, indifference is moving on…you have love for the person, but you’ve let go. The second clause surprised me too. From what NLJ told me, love is almost never equal between partners. One will love more to some degree. But what you said is still selfish…”security in the marriage” why is a guy insecure about the marriage/relationship?

      I think Jon was insecure to some extent, no matter what I did or say to him, he still questioned my feelings for him. And anyone will have doubts if they are insecure, no matter how many times you “reassure” him/her.

      But what about us women? Don’t we want to feel like we’re loved wholeheartedly and not that things are one-sided?

      For example:
      It takes a lot for a woman to cheat….for men it could be about access to sex, but when a woman commits infidelity; she created an emotional bond with someone else. Why is she investing her time and effort with someone else if she has a “loving spouse” at home?

  9. Love is a malleable and changing concept. I love my husband, I love my children, I love my friends. I mean each statement and yet each of those sentiments conveys a different feeling. If I tried to define love I’d be confined to describing something that did not convey all the possibilities.

    1. Yes, there are different types of love. And I think we as a society get all wrapped up in the one type of love, and forgetting that there are other kinds of ways that we experience love (without having to be stabbed through the chest to feel it, neither). And even the love you once had for a partner will change in some way too, especially after a break up…the love doesn’t go away…just changes

  10. To me, love means learning to grow and change together as people, and to realize that each other might need to do so at a difference pace. If that’s not happening, then it’s not love. Love also has so many forms. The love I have for my husband is of a different variety than what it was two years ago, and certainly a far different breed from what it was when we first met!

    1. Thanks Jeri,
      Loving someone means having the will to change and be a better person, as well as accepting that person for who they are. You’re right when you say it’s not love when people do not want to grow…together or even apart. Believe or not, some folks don’t love themselves enough to change for the better.

  11. This is beautiful. I am a true romantic in the notion that I believe that there is someone for each of us. Though we need to love and unlove in order to find that person. I don’t think we as women love beyond the same amount as men. We are all human and can all “mess up” I believe is working it out. Whether it is from the male or female of the relationship.

    1. Thanks for sharing, you’re right when you men and women love just about the same. I guess women are better at expressing that love. I don’t know if one could ever “unlove” because at bests it just fades and changes…but not completely go away. If there is someone out there for everyone, do most people find their perfect match? Cause that person could be in Texas, a state I have plans in ever visiting, and we wouldn’t see each other. Or do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Kind of like fate or destiny?

  12. This is a wonderful post. Most of the relationships that I have been in, or my female friends have been in, it always seems like the woman is actually more in love. It is very odd to put a degree on love. “I want her to love me more.” This shows a tad bit insecurity to me. Just love!

    1. Yeah, women are known for being emotional…but I’ve seen relationships where the guy is more into her, it’s just that guys don’t wear their emotions on the sleeve. So they are more in love, but you can’t tell so easily on the surface.

      I think it is insecurity too, as well as the idea that they are going to mess up and lose the girl. I mean, I loved Jon very much, I didn’t leave him because I stopped loving him or whatever…he fucked up badly. And your partner is going to realize that even though there is love, the relationship is not healthy and leave anyway…no matter how much they love you

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