Why can’t you just say it?!?!
It’s really hard. You see it on television all the time, when one or both partners are holding out, they practice in the mirror, maybe with a friend…take a deep breath and spill…or just forever hold your breath.
I guess Jon and I weren’t as open and honest with each other as we liked to be. It’s kind of embarrassing when you think about STD; never had it before, I don’t know about Jon…he did boast of his “experience” with his past girlfriends, but I on the other hand had never been in a relationship that kept me emotionally and physically tied to a person.
I never told anyone that I loved him. I never bothered to cuddle after sex or spend the night. I never understood or put effort into romance…not that I’m against any of these above mentioned things. I just didn’t care at the time. My traveling and exploring the world to live is usually more important. Living for the moment, not being committed now…because it didn’t make sense!
I only do things that make sense. I am analytical, practical, and a cold observationist; never wanted to be emotionally biased when looking at a situation and trying to find the best solution. True for the academic field: very very wrong for intimate partnerships. I am very hard to read, I’m stoic and when someone says something controversial, I don’t show anything. I never thought that was a problem, and people have said that before, but they never said it was a problem.
“Jon, I like being with you”
“Why are you so into me? You know I’m not that special”
??? I need to give you a reason? Because I lov…
Is he insecure? Needs a reason? Or am I just crazy? I tell you that I like you, have deep feelings for you (exact words here), falling head over heels for you; you want me to write a dissertation on this? Well how do you feel about me, Jon?
So I run it through my head, and I practice…I’m gonna tell him today in person, at lunch, not over the phone…in a letter? But wait….Maybe Jon had it too.
If he really liked me, he would have told me about his STD. We should have talked about it first, but these things are always hard to bring up. You know better, but looking your partner in the eye and saying, “Sweetheart….” is really difficult.
And he always seems to cut me off, when I get to the part about my —-“Why don’t you go and date a Caribbean guy then?” he shrieks.
After our first night together, I went to work the next morning and left my cell phone off by accident. I had opened up like he asked me too, however the exposure of my literal and figurative insides had me desperately trying to close up again. So I left my cell phone off so it couldn’t ring or beep and stuffed it into the bottom of 5lb Coach purse and ignored it. Pretending not to care whether or not my phone rang, I continued about my day.
He texted and called and I didn’t realize it until the near end of the day. When I called him back in a cool (sorry, I mean COLD), calm, and rational voice I politely and professionally apologized for missing his call, like I say with all my clients, and explained that my cell phone was off during my back to back presentations and meetings.
Hey…he knows what I do for a living.
However, I didn’t understand that probably didn’t take away the feeling he had when the call went to voicemail. No amount of rationality can make that feeling go away.
It dries your throat making it difficult to swallow let alone speak. Your stomach is bloated with a heavy sinking feeling and you can’t eat or it hurts to eat. You’re tired and weak, your brain fogs….you just don’t know how to say what to a person and it absolutely frustrates you!
Self-explanatory Typical Dysfunction
I don’t have to transmit to you, what I deem self-explanatory.
I tell you that I like you, I call you to talk, I text you at random times to see how you are, I picked up the tab for brunch…I gave you what you asked. It’s practical, can’t you see that I lov—really care about you? Yeh, I don’t really initiate all the kisses or…oh you want to cuddle, why?
That night at his apartment…
“So have you been meeting any new people?” I so casually ask…..
“Why not?” I so curiously ask…
“Its hard for me to go up to women and start a conversation…”
“Its hard for me too! (No not really) I don’t want meet new people let’s just see each other”
I really like you and want to see only you….I don’t care to meet other guys…I can only think about you
“You and I have hard times meeting people, and we like each other. Two people that like each other should get together. Its practical, Jon”
There! A rational reason that’s universally agreeable….emotional bias gives a reason to object.
“But you wanted an open relationship…why should we…you don’t even like kissing me!!”
“I do like being with you, you know I’ve only dated Caribbean men, and they’re not as affectionate or…” as I explained some cultural nuances.
And like a seventeen year-old he continued to rant and rave, “Sure, I’ll call…just remember to put your phone on!” And “Come on, just get in the bed…”
Until he finally said this– which I left with, “Why don’t you go and date a Caribbean guy then?”
Unappreciative Bastard. This is the thanks after all I’ve done and put into this…whatever this is? Sigh…
Its STD when you feel something on the inside, but you can’t express your true feelings because you don’t know how or are just unable.
In your mind you have the script planned out but the jerk ruins it by saying some off-the-wall shit and now everything is lost in translation.
Jon had it and I had it. I like to blame him for it, but truth is….I may have had it long before him.
So I have STD, and it may ruin our relationship….maybe there’s hope for us yet.
Ch 7. Speak American
“Its not my job to culture you! You were born in America…you should know what these things are. It’s a milkshake!” Shaking his head…”I can’t believe I’m with someone who doesn’t know what Star Wars is.”
“Ya! I can’t believe I’m with such a nerd”
© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne