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breaking up, getting back together, ex, interracial dating, relationships, Jon and Sabine dating, The Reporter and The Girl, moving on, hard letting go

Guest Post: 5 Reasons Your Relationship With Your Ex Was Not As Great As You Think

By Kevin

Do you ever regret breaking up with your ex? Do you think the relationship with your ex was amazing and you messed it up?

If so, you are probably not thinking things thoroughly. Here is a list of reasons why your relationship with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend was not as great as you think.

1. Emotions

Break-ups can really mess up your mind. You are feeling emotions left and right and it seems the easy way to stop feeling these emotions is to get back with your ex. You start trying to convince yourself that your relationship was pretty good and getting back together will be a good idea. But in reality, you are just trying to avoid the break-up pain and the grieving by going back to a relationship that gave you this pain in the first place. Studies have shown that breakup pain is very real, and your mind will try to avoid this pain at any cost; even if it means getting back into a bad relationship.

2. You Are Just Lonely

After a long day at work, you come home, you eat your dinner alone and you go to bed alone. While lying down in bed, you start remembering your ex. You start remembering the things you loved about your ex. How they cooked chili for you and watched those movies with you. How they cuddled you in bed and whispered good night in your ear. How they kissed you every morning before you went to work. And all this suddenly makes you feel that your relationship with your ex was pretty good. Actually, the thing that you really miss is a relationship, not your ex. And it’s completely OK to want a relationship, as long as you don’t return to a bad one.

3. Investment

You know how some people stay in a bad relationship just because they’ve already invested a lot of time in it? It’s hard to give up on something you’ve already put so much time and effort in. If your relationship with your ex lasted for a long time, you’ve probably made a lot of sacrifices, put in a lot of effort and gone through a lot together. After a break-up, it seems easier to continue that relationship instead of doing everything again. You try to convince yourself that because you’ve invested so much in the relationship, it must be worth holding on to. But in reality, it’s nothing like that. If you think about it, the relationship didn’t work even after you made so much investment. And that just means your relationship was broken.

4.Beliefs

After a failed relationship, your faith in the opposite sex and relationships in general tends to shake a bit. You start feeling like there is no one better than your ex out there. You start ignoring all the bad things about your ex and start concentrating on the good things. You try to convince yourself that he or she is more suitable to you than the rest of the world. This happens usually after a bad date: you meet someone who is completely out of whack, and you can’t help thinking about how great your relationship was with your ex-partner. But in reality, you are just convincing yourself to settle for someone who is less than what you deserve. There are tons of people out there who are much more suitable for you than your ex; you just haven’t met them yet. And when you do, you will realize that she or he was not the only one for you.

5. You Broke Up

You started a relationship with him or her. You loved, laughed, had great time together, fought, worked on your relationship, and tried to solve your problems. All these things are normal in any good relationship. But in the end, for whatever reasons, you broke up. That alone should be enough to realize that your relationship was broken; because if there wasn’t something majorly wrong with your relationship, you wouldn’t have broken up. If you think that you broke up because of a reason that is not a big deal, then you are kidding yourself. If you could’ve fixed it, you wouldn’t have broken up.

Kevin writes about breakups and getting your ex back at unbreakup.org. Thinking about getting back together with your ex? Make sure you read this first.

Follow Kevin more articles on break ups and moving on at:

http://www.facebook.com/kevin.breakups

Tweet him at
https://twitter.com/thompkevin123 (@thompkevin123)

Link

Ppssst! Should You Dump His Ass?

He sits on his ass. He plays a mediocre video game for two hours straight. He picks his ear. He smokes from his bong. Then he turns on Netflix.

Meanwhile, you’ve been sitting next to him on the couch this whole time – having a threesome with Beyoncé and Paris Hilton.

Click on the link and read the rest of column featured on DatingAdvice.com

Also, don’t forget to check out their reviews section for the top online dating sites for 2013 here

Show some love for me on their site!

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

DatingAdvice.com, The Reporter and The Girl, Interracial dating, fiction based on a true story, dating advice, guest blogger, advice columnist

Mid Week Update!

So this week has been head-turning to say the least. And that’s all I’ll say on that.

What I will say more on is: my guest contribution for DatingAdvice.com will appear on their website this Friday!

**Cheers**

And I wanted to show a preview of the article and list a neat feature about the website: it’s their reviews section

If you click on that link, you’ll see the top 10 online dating sites for 2013. And as you know from my history; I’m no stranger to online dating, meeting, or shopping. So if you are and want to know what a website is all about, checking out the reviews is good way to start.

And as I mentioned last week, the site is about dating in all its forms from casual to deep connections, straight, gay, Black, White, Interracial, Senior, Jewish, or Adult Friends.

Enjoy my excerpt:

And you sure as hell don’t look like The Giving Tree, because a relationship is supposed to be mutually beneficial. No, not just in the bedroom! Just because he goes down on you and gives you two licks to the center of the toostsie –rolling your eyes to the back of your head. Doesn’t mean you’re getting that deep, intimate, loving partner who is thinking of you and enjoys sharing quality bonding time……

Dump your man like a bad welfare case!

Rest will launch on Friday 6/14/2013 at http://DatingAdvice.com

Tweet if you love cupcakes! http://twitter.com/ReporterandGirl

Thumbs up if you’re for kittens http://facebook.com/TheReporterandTheGirl

 

Jon and Sabine, interracial dating, interracial blog, cartoon, interracial cartoon, the reporter and the girl, face to face, love, break up

Face to Face

Hopefully, everyone has made it home safe tonight and is not out drowning from Tropical Storm Andrea. Here in the city, we received a flash flood warning and it was my cue to leave work.

The past week has been pretty focused for me; I’m starting to volunteer doing different things and finishing the manuscript for the novel. I scribbled down the last chapter today, and I spent the last two weeks just hand-writing on the trains. This weekend, I will put everything into one document and then begin the dreaded stage of every writer’s life…COPYEDIT!

Thus, I am looking for a Book Doctor or an Editor, and if anyone is interested, please get in touch with me at ReporterandTheGirl@gmail.com

Finishing TheReporterandTheGirl novel, is exciting and therapeutic for me as the memories of Jon and I are still fresh, and recounting the feelings and conversations from not so long ago does stir something inside of me.

This morning I impatiently waited for the bus to take me to work in the drizzle; I know because of the weather, transportation would be a little slow….but anyway, amongst the growing crowd of people in the Brooklyn streets, I saw his back under an umbrella holding the back of someone else closely as they walked North.

I say “him” even though I didn’t see his face; but his build, hair cut and color, even the shoes looked like Jon. Practically speaking, I know it’s NOT Jon because first off, this was early–like quarter to 9am, and Jon wouldn’t know “early” even if it smacked him in the head. He’s been blessed to be able to get ready in the mornings in less than 20 minutes and has a half-hour commute to/fro work. Work that starts at 10am, if he has to go straight to the office.

But I needed to see it. Even though it may not have been “it”. I’m not psychic, but I have been feeling some kind of way about life post-Jon. As you may remember April Fools Day was the last time we spoke. And around that time I had a dream about him.

The dream alternated between his apartment in New York City and his home out-of-state. I’m in his kitchen preparing lunch for him, and his friends and family are all around…just kind of milling about — like its some kind of gathering.

At one point, his friend comes up to me and asks me what I’m doing. I reply that Jon is out and when he comes back he may be hungry. He then says that I don’t have to do that, because he’s girlfriend will take care of it. There’s more to the dream, but the highlighting factor is that I never seem to come face to face with Jon.

I see him outside in the yard (when it switches to his home) or him walking out of the room…but nothing direct. A friend told me that’s significant because it symbolized that he was never there for me. And the remarks that his friend makes also symbolizes that there was no room for me in his life. Or least that I knew that.

But the thing that has been bugging me for the last two months is: has he found someone that he made room for in his life?

Again I’m not psychic, but I feel that’s true. I’ve been feeling that way for awhile and today I needed to “see it.” My feelings about it are weird…I don’t feel too sad, just defeated. Like I’m tired of fighting the whole thing. Just giving up…maybe accepting that the battle is over.

But at the same time when we got the flood warning, I felt a twinge of worry for him as he lives in a basement apartment and it could flood if it does rain hard tonight.

But again (sigh), I care for someone who wouldn’t once think about giving me a call for my Birthday. Hhhhmm….makes you wonder if karma exists.

On a brighter note, I have a guest posting coming out next week at DatingAdvice.com! Now, I’m far from a dating expert and I actually wrote this article like two months ago, when I was more feisty; but I hope you guys will enjoy it and show some love on their website.

DatingAdvice.com, The Reporter and The Girl, Interracial dating, fiction based on a true story,  dating advice, guest blogger, advice columnist

DatingAdvice.com

Now one thing that I love about their site is that it is truly a dating site across the spectrum! They have diverse columnists dealing with traditional, same sex, and alternative relationships. So I’ll be posting the link up once the article goes live!

Thank You for your continued support of my blog and enjoy this wet (and wild?) weekend. The video for chapter 6 will also go live this weekend.

S.C Rhyne (TheGirl)

Follow me @ReporterandGirl
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© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

alameleadership.com, reporter and the girl, anomie, emile durkheim, inner strength, inspirational quotes, mahatma gandhi, interracial couples, break up, moving on, depression

Anomie

So this week has been interesting to say the least.

Since last week (week of the 13th) forecasters predicted cloudy skies for the work week and a bright weekend. I was particularly following this because the weekend of May 18th, I had an outdoor event with my job and was hoping for nice weather. But instead it was cloudy grey and it rained off and on. It didn’t cancel the event, but made it that less enjoyable.

Call it my so-so luck.

Definitely wasn’t a lucky day, or the event would have gone better, but at least it wasn’t a disaster either. But the so-so luck continued through the week, with the mediocre weather progressively getting worse and a busy week at work; which left me with no time in the afternoon to go to the gym or write or really check my personal emails. Friday was suppose to be my redemption day where I can catch up on all paperwork at work and all personal stuff in the afternoon. And it wasn’t at all!

Talk about doing a job you love but being stunted by people who want you fail, even if it means taking everything down with them.

But Saturday was a bit uplifting; I went to a banquet to support a friend for a well deserve recognition and her acceptance speech was hilarious and completely awesome. A mover and a shaker she is, I say. This event was honoring people for their work in social services with incarcerated people. One of the honorees is head of the department of social work at Lehman College. He was a little emotional as he talked about how he came to working with inmates and building people’s self-esteem so they can become contributing members of society again.

And then he said this word: Anomie.

According to Emile Durkheim the “Father of Modern Sociology”; anomie is a state of normlessness. Every society has a set of rules or norms which regulates behavior and relationships. But sometimes, due to a change in the environment (economic crisis, natural disaster..you name it) the rules get lost, and the social bonds that hold an individual or subculture group to the mainstream gets cut. Sometimes when an individual loses that connection and it can lead to deviant behavior. This explanation was used in his work to define suicide.

On the inside, inmates are surrounded by thousands of people, but yet they are socially isolated. Cut off from their families, loved ones, and society at large. Though I am not here to argue whether that’s right or wrong, just establishing that this is true. And even though YOU may never have been incarcerated, I’m sure you have gone through this period where life feels empty or you lost the passion for something. The issue may not be with YOU, but something in your environment changed drastically– throwing the rules down the drain and leaving you without a clear sense of who you are and your purpose.

We tend to associate this kind of depression as something psychologically wrong with the individual, rather than taking a look at what has happened in their environment to cut them off. But this can be conquered; as the director continued he talked about the expression of love he received from his clients. I’m sure you can hardly imagine the stereotypical “harden-felonius criminal” hugging a grey-haired White guy and saying “I love you, man.” Sometimes in a state of anomie, when we feel that we’ve lost…ourselves, we’ll cling to the slightest hint of love that we sense. And yes, I’m sure he cared, loved, and mentored his clients and he helped so many people over the last decade. And that’s why he was able to help those that were lost to find themselves and their purpose.

Sitting in the audience, I was connecting what the social worker standing on the pulpit was saying about love, to a book I read right after Jon and I broke up the first time. You can call it an anomie or a depression depending whether you believe its external or internal; but I was in a deep hole where I didn’t remember who I was before I met him, and how I could get things done without him.

I don’t know if I snapped in or out of it, but I realized that maybe my work is meaningless and my life is pointless since I no longer had someone that I could relate too. And when you lose something that special, whether its by natural disaster or egoism; everything else doesn’t matter anymore. But anyway, the book talked about love and singlehood — and the fact is; many people will search and search for “the one” to love them unconditionally without realizing that the unconditional love has been present in their life from the time of birth from friends and families. You were ALWAYS loved, but you just didn’t realize it, because you were busy looking for your “other half” to love you.

But the thing is, if you’re not willing to love back and can only offer half of you to a person and not a whole you; then you’re not gonna get very far in your search. Stop looking for your “other half” and grow whole from within. I was reminded by the end of his speech that there will always be challenges in our environment that will threaten to break the social bonds between individuals; but expressing love and joy in the things we do can grow new bonds from within and develop new identities. New purpose.

And for many of those inmates discovering a brotherly love saved them from the anomie which they suffered; then it can save me too.

P.S

I received a tweet yesterday, about when am I FINALLY going to publish Chapter 20 from @Wheesh and I can say I have finished Chapter 24 last week, and have a few more left. I’m now looking for someone to copyedit the manuscript. I made two connections, so soon I will make an agreement with who to send the manuscript to for the editing stage…

Until next weekend.

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Note on the featured image: You can find more inspirational quotes like these from alameleadership.com

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

nice girl. nice guy, relationships, single, dating, lonely, the reporter and the girl , jon and sabine, sabine dating, interracial blog

Nice Girls Finish Last Too!

This is in response to Eva Finn’s post “Nice guys finish last, not because…”

So a lot of guys came out of the woodwork– a bit defensive, stressing the guy in the story wasn’t really “nice” and arguing what constitutes a “nice guy” or a “gentleman”.

Well maybe at some point, Jon was a nice guy or you were a nice guy, or that juror number 6 was a nice guy too; but you know what all the “nice guys” have in common? They met their Queen B who opened them up and set their hearts on fire while they were still breathing.

And girls, you know this has happened to you too! You have been stomped on and may have even lit a match yourself.

We were all “nice” once–

when we met someone that we thought as being special, connected, kindred souls. You poured your heart into doing everything to make them happy.  Take them out on fancy dates and venues, lavish them with gifts for special moments, maybe write little “Have a nice day” notes for them to surprisingly find in his/her lunch bag.  And for a time being you were probably the nicest guy/gal on earth.

Did you:

Tipped the waiter an extra 10%, even though they fucked up your order?

Slipped that homeless dude a c-note, cause you know, he’s all out there on his own.

Got sideswiped by a soccer-mom putting on her mascara and not paying attention to the light that turned red? “Oh, don’t worry it’s just scratch.”

Let your employees out early cause its such a beautiful rainy day with freezing sleet; and you think folks should make it home in time to curl up with their loved ones?

Yeah. We were all nice folks.

And for a little while I was a nice girl too.

Until the day you wake up with an ice cold blade in your chest because the one closest to you had betrayed you. And now you have no heart.

Now everyone and everything around you can go to hell in a hand-basket, and shit! They better stay there if they know what’s good for them!

Nice folks finish last because they’re dead. Someone, last night, ripped their hearts out and left them bleeding in their beds.

And now all that’s left is the assholes eating each other up.

Courtesy of DateHookUp.com

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Congrats to @brittanynorton the winner of the #BlogLovers Contest!!

 

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Chapter 15: Truth and Reckoning

Hey, I’m going to be downtown on Friday afternoon…do you wanna meet up for lunch or something and talk?

He responded pretty quickly, considering….

Yes, I think we should too. Friday it is.

Well at least he agrees that we should definitely see each other and talk about…us, or maybe just what happened. You know clear the air…then be friends…cause that’s all that’s left.

Right?

Friday was the next day. I was going to come face to face with Jon…and…I definitely wasn’t sad…I was too busy thinking about how we would discuss last night’s conversation; he would apologize for being so crude and I would comfort him, tell him there was no harm no foul, we would make great friends…I’d pick him up after he was broken.

I had no time to feel sad…at least not as sad as I did before; Jon was hurt and I needed be strong for both of us.

Ok time out from narration.

Would it be strange to say that I knew this was going to happen? Well, not the drunk call and stuff, but I knew that I would see Jon by Friday. That we would meet for lunch and that I may have even planned something to wear and had my hair done in time…I don’t know but I knew before the week started, that another cold weekend couldn’t go by without us speaking.

I’m here, under the scaffolding I texted.

I waited under the construction shelter to protect myself from the blaring heat of the sun. It was the typical dog days of August in New York City and it was too hot and steamy to wait underground. As I waited for him, my intestines began to move and form knots, one by one while each knot pulled tighter and tighter….

I suddenly remembered being back underground at the platform, waiting for Jon…to talk. It was a long time ago, we also hadn’t spoken in the days prior as well; only agreed to meet so we can talk…about us. About sex? Feelings? Control?

The knots turned into a shear shriek inside as it did before; waiting for Jon, I realized that I didn’t know what was going to happen to us next. I couldn’t even imagine his face anymore as I had spent the past several days trying to forget.

And there, in a sea of people, I spotted him. Like I always do. He’s always looking straight ahead as if walking to a destination and not actually wandering to meet someone. His face carried the same look as before, when I waited for him: sullen, eyes wandering but he never turned his head, lips sparsely open as if realizing that he had reached it.

Wait a minute….that day at the station did he think I wouldn’t show up?

“JON!”

I said loud, sharp, and cool. Maybe not as cool, but I casually stood and crossed over to him.

Ok, Sabrien time to drop those balls.

“Hey…” I looked at him, and instinctively leaned in and embraced him. It was what he done for me and now I should for him…because we shouldn’t greet each other as strangers. We were more than that, and that’s what we needed to do when we see each other.

“Oh” he sighed out as he wrapped his arms embracing back. I guess he wasn’t expecting that?

*****

We settled on some half-ass taco joint. Though I was very happy to see Jon, the knots in my stomach were long gone and had been replaced by shrieking fear. Do you know how that feels? I can only describe it as a waving sensation like when one is panicked or surprised, it waves from your stomach to your chest as if something or someone is shrieking inside of you.

“Oh I’m not hungry, thanks…just a water bottle.” I said.

We started with small talk…..his move to the new apartment, work,—

“Look, I didn’t know that you were upset ok, about what you said last night— do you remember?” I stumbled.

“What? No, I don’t remember a thing about last night, I was so drunk…” Jon said, as he continued eating what I only remember as a vile creation attempting to pass off as Mexican food.

My heart sank. How could he not remember? It’s not fair; he needed to take responsibility for it.

“Well, you said a lot of horrible of things about me not caring and blaming me…” I trailed off.

“Listen, Sabrien.” Jon said with such authority, that I jerked up to find his eyes…the only part of him that made me feel comfort. But I only felt cold.

“I don’t know what was going through your mind when you asked me to see each other exclusively…yeah at the time I was heading there and I was thinking about it. But after the way you just went crazy on the phone and broke things off, I’m glad I didn’t make that mistake to be with you.”

He took a break from his meal to gulp down a drink and lean back in his chair confidently with his right arm stretched over the back of the empty chair next to him.

“In fact, I’m glad we broke things off, because this showed me your true self. I mean think about it Sabrien, we had only known each other a few weeks!! You don’t know me well enough as a person to know that you like me [as a person].” He said. He had such conviction in his voice. But it was true, where were we all this time?

He’s right, from time that we met in front of the state building and had our first “date” at a bar not too far from here, to this moment, it had only been a month.

I’m confused; I didn’t come here for this. I thought we were going to talk about a very immature phone call and apologize for the things that were said, and maybe just shake on it. But instead the guilt is now overcome by a wave of shame as my shoulders slunk forward and my mind jumbled to form a sentence. My heart had sank so low at this point, that it seemed to carry my worthless self forward, where my face met the table.

How could I have let myself get carried away? I thought there was something, he had asked me…?

“We have nothing else in common except BDSM.” He ended. I looked up and still sitting there confidently, Jon had slipped his poker face. He had a slight smirk, not on his lips, but his eyes.

Is he enjoying this?

“So what!” I sat back, I needed answers! “What would you say we were, if you felt that we could head that way. We were just dating?” I demanded.

No, Sabrien. We weren’t dating, we just went on a few dates. And that’s it.” They were no longer smirking at me, they’re cold as ice.

For a moment, I thought I was looking at the face of another man. He did not possess the boyish good looks or charm that mesmerized me. As he shoved down his food, me still having no appetite, I realized what had changed. He is revealing himself to me, his truth. And it is ugly.His eyes in the light had pinholes for pupils, and I could not see myself in them. The brown marks on his teeth bothered me.

Jon repulsed me.

“I’m not interested in that Sabrien”

I reached for his hand and umm…maybe a little too loudly with my eyes and lips, “Look, maybe we can go for another try…I’m not crazy, I can control myself, really…I thought there was something there…but I know now…I want to get to know you as a person, because I do like you.” I said, holding on tightly.

But I saw it in his face and I already knew what he was gonna say. He knew too, I saw him looked down as I held his hand. Surprised but happy, no satisfied.

“Oh…I don’t know” He said.

“Come on” I bit my lip and forced a smile, “like old times. Couldn’t we just..?”

He sighed. “You know you look really pretty in this skirt today, and I love your hair, let me touch it.”

No not like old times.

As we walked towards his building…we talked more.

“So we take it slow, just friends…” I asked. Isn’t that what we wanted?

“No, Sabrien. I can’t do that.” He looked at me, a little gentler but still holding to his guns.

“But what you said, about knowing each other as a person…” I asked.

“Look, I’m not interested in that, we can still have sex but none of the other stuff”

“So you want a friend with benefits?” I asked, disgusted. “You really were just using me?”

“And if, hypothetically I said I was?” Jon asked.

“Then I would be mad.” I retorted.

“Look we can be friends, you can come over, but I’m not gonna want to hang out as much.” He said.

“So you want me out of your life? Never see each other again?” I asked. It really pained me to think that he could so easily rid me…but I guess since he never felt anything…

We now were negotiating back and forth the terms of this “friendship.”

“I just don’t see it that way, Sabrien. I could have sex with someone I hated. I’m not saying I’ve done this, but I would pay for sex. Sex is a commodity.” He said.

“I’ll think about it, I’m not promising anything.” I answered.

Where the hell did my balls go?

“I’ll call you this weekend,” I continued.

“Ok, now my boss is going to kill me because I’ve been on a nearly two hour lunch break” He said.

“If I call, will you answer?” I asked, knowing the answer already.

“Yes, now woman I need to get back to work!” He replied. And hugged goodbye. I smiled.

I walked away feeling that something was accomplished, although nothing was solved. I walked and walked until I decided that there was nothing really for me to do downtown and made my way back to the station.

I tried not to think about what happened, I certainly do not want to get back with Jon, but he did not want to be friends. I now hated him and felt disgusted that he would violate such personal boundaries just to get —

“Excuse me, Miss?” An older gentleman stepped forward. “I’m very interested in your chest.”

Ch. 16 Frenemies

He probably knew what I was trying to do, but could see right through it. He hastily dropped the conversation. “I’ll see you on Monday.” He said and hung up.

I was trying to ignore this nagging voice, cover it up with my feelings. But this time the voice, the red flag was too loud to ignore.

Does he hate me?

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne