Interracial couple, relationships
Hopefully, everyone has made it home safe tonight and is not out drowning from Tropical Storm Andrea. Here in the city, we received a flash flood warning and it was my cue to leave work.
The past week has been pretty focused for me; I’m starting to volunteer doing different things and finishing the manuscript for the novel. I scribbled down the last chapter today, and I spent the last two weeks just hand-writing on the trains. This weekend, I will put everything into one document and then begin the dreaded stage of every writer’s life…COPYEDIT!
Thus, I am looking for a Book Doctor or an Editor, and if anyone is interested, please get in touch with me at ReporterandTheGirl@gmail.com
Finishing TheReporterandTheGirl novel, is exciting and therapeutic for me as the memories of Jon and I are still fresh, and recounting the feelings and conversations from not so long ago does stir something inside of me.
This morning I impatiently waited for the bus to take me to work in the drizzle; I know because of the weather, transportation would be a little slow….but anyway, amongst the growing crowd of people in the Brooklyn streets, I saw his back under an umbrella holding the back of someone else closely as they walked North.
I say “him” even though I didn’t see his face; but his build, hair cut and color, even the shoes looked like Jon. Practically speaking, I know it’s NOT Jon because first off, this was early–like quarter to 9am, and Jon wouldn’t know “early” even if it smacked him in the head. He’s been blessed to be able to get ready in the mornings in less than 20 minutes and has a half-hour commute to/fro work. Work that starts at 10am, if he has to go straight to the office.
But I needed to see it. Even though it may not have been “it”. I’m not psychic, but I have been feeling some kind of way about life post-Jon. As you may remember April Fools Day was the last time we spoke. And around that time I had a dream about him.
The dream alternated between his apartment in New York City and his home out-of-state. I’m in his kitchen preparing lunch for him, and his friends and family are all around…just kind of milling about — like its some kind of gathering.
At one point, his friend comes up to me and asks me what I’m doing. I reply that Jon is out and when he comes back he may be hungry. He then says that I don’t have to do that, because he’s girlfriend will take care of it. There’s more to the dream, but the highlighting factor is that I never seem to come face to face with Jon.
I see him outside in the yard (when it switches to his home) or him walking out of the room…but nothing direct. A friend told me that’s significant because it symbolized that he was never there for me. And the remarks that his friend makes also symbolizes that there was no room for me in his life. Or least that I knew that.
But the thing that has been bugging me for the last two months is: has he found someone that he made room for in his life?
Again I’m not psychic, but I feel that’s true. I’ve been feeling that way for awhile and today I needed to “see it.” My feelings about it are weird…I don’t feel too sad, just defeated. Like I’m tired of fighting the whole thing. Just giving up…maybe accepting that the battle is over.
But at the same time when we got the flood warning, I felt a twinge of worry for him as he lives in a basement apartment and it could flood if it does rain hard tonight.
But again (sigh), I care for someone who wouldn’t once think about giving me a call for my Birthday. Hhhhmm….makes you wonder if karma exists.
On a brighter note, I have a guest posting coming out next week at DatingAdvice.com! Now, I’m far from a dating expert and I actually wrote this article like two months ago, when I was more feisty; but I hope you guys will enjoy it and show some love on their website.
Now one thing that I love about their site is that it is truly a dating site across the spectrum! They have diverse columnists dealing with traditional, same sex, and alternative relationships. So I’ll be posting the link up once the article goes live!
Thank You for your continued support of my blog and enjoy this wet (and wild?) weekend. The video for chapter 6 will also go live this weekend.
S.C Rhyne (TheGirl)
Follow me @ReporterandGirl
Like Me http://facebook.com/TheReporterandTheGirl
© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne
What do we do when we want to see what happens next?
We turn the page…itching to get the ending of “a happily ever after” or dare I say: closure?
A few days ago, I had an impromptu phone call with a gentleman whom I dated. We were bantering a bit, and I mentioned that I was blogging a dramatical series about Jon*. After he took a look he said, “You know, I’m sorry for the way things ended between us.”
I was surprised he said that! I was not expecting any type of apology, especially from him. For the record, things ended badly between us–We both (or so I thought) liked each other very much– however I went to the hospital and when I came home he did not come to see me. So I took that as a major, “I don’t care about you, the way you care about me” RED Flag (I’m seeing those flags loud and clear now) and called it off.
I went through a milder grieving process. I was sad and very lonely– and at times upset. However, I couldn’t be upset at him because you can’t MAKE someone care about you despite your willingness to go to the ends of the Earth for him/her; but I blamed myself since I allowed my naive heart to care and love him so deeply. Now I sometimes wonder how did I fall for someone so selfish and inconsiderate?
After I hung up, I had to shake my head. At the end of our relationship, I had turned the pages obsessively searching for the ending that would give me peace of mind. Until I finally realized that I needed to write my own ending and give myself closure.
At the end of a painful breakup, we sometimes demand to have the last word or receive an apology–something that supposedly will help us move on. Does it really help or does it make you dwell on the pain more? Does hearing the truth finally set you free?
Well, before it came to the phone call– he did text me vaguely stating that if I wanted to talk, he would be open to it. And it was very tempting to respond back if only the memories of hearing the post-break up truth didn’t haunt me (Check out Ch. 15 if you don’t remember).
Meeting Jon for lunch that day, I thought we would both get some kind of closure but instead he berated me and gloated about how much better off he is now that he doesn’t have to consider a relationship with me; how glad he doesn’t have to go down that route. The post-breakup truth may not set you free, but like me, may make you feel more guilt and agnst.
Now, this guy on the phone offers a vague apologetic-sentiment about feeling bad on how things ended and missing being able to talk to someone about the things that make him weird.
Ladies and Gents, this is isn’t closure. It’s not even a real apology.
At least not for me, but maybe for him. Perhaps he felt that by expressing his “feeling bad” about the break up (without specifically stating why we broke up–i.e why I wasn’t there for you) is enough for him to get closure and get something off his chest. For me, I saw a level of immaturity and self-centeredness that is pervasive enough to blind him from seeing the real problem.
Despite the fact that he let me down, I do not resent him and in general you can’t resent someone who doesn’t learn from past experiences. They are doomed to repeat the same mistakes with a different person through their own ignorance, not yours. Thus, you cannot expect an ignorant person to give you closure so you can move on. You need to do that for yourself.
In summary, hearing his “apology” did not bring closure. If you’re still turning the pages to find that heart-warming ending, you may be surprised to find a half-assed sentiment that makes that person feel better than you. And hearing their true feelings can set you back.
So when you stop look for those magical words — write your own ending:
“She lied and and cheated. Someone like that will never be happy with what they have. No matter how much you give.”
“He’s a deusch, he’d rather snort coke and smoke with his friends than help me/stay with me.”
And then you can move on a little easier.
And when turning the page isn’t enough –you just gotta close the book on it.
Tweet me your responses! @ReporterandGirl
Like or message me on http://Facebook.com/TheReporterandTheGirl
© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne
**sniffs** **sniffs** **sniffs**
I can’t write this in a way that doesn’t sound cute. The story of a poor brokenhearted girl who loses someone that meant everything plus the world to her.
If only it were that simple. For as much as I prepared myself for this day; you’re never fully prepared to lose yourself.
You lose sleep.
From the night that I drove from Jon’s apartment, waking up at 3 am (the witching hour) and up at 5am to get a miserable summer’s day started; is norm. 2-3 hours of straight sleep is a godsend. Even on weekends and holidays: I watched the sunrise from my bed.
You lose your appetite.
I’m pretty sure that night I was able to stomache a glass of wine, but the next morning and days ahead, I carried a water bottle around as that was all I could handle. In the mornings, I could have toasted bread, and maybe in the evenings a handful of nuts or crackers. Yogurt, milk or anything too rich or heavy was too much. I probably didn’t grocery shop for about a month.
You lose a sense of purpose.
I don’t know if it made it better or worse, but I had some time off when Jon and I broke it off. Maybe worse, because at least at work I would have something to do and keep my mind off of it. But at home, I didn’t see the point of going through another day. I had some events and stuff with friends but the days and hours between them were menacingly slow. And all I could think about was the hurt.
It’s a weird pain, it doesn’t burn like being cut open, and it isn’t sharp like the feel of freshly broken flesh. It’s a dull ache that sits in the pit of your gut, and it’s very heavy; so it holds you down and you’re unable to move quickly enough from the dark thoughts that haunt you around every corner.
And its at this point when you know you’re at your wits end because now what have affected you psychologically is also affecting you physically (or vice versa) and it has consumed you whole and left you falling down a dark bottomless pit.
You lose your mind.
The truth is that your mind was probably already lost from the beginning. However, mindless, you don’t realize it until your thoughts and actions are centered on him/her. You can’t think or do anything without the person pulling at your strings. When you lose your mind you lose yourself.
I was no longer thinking about myself, I was thinking about Jon around the clock, and I knew (from what I read) this was normal at first. I replayed the phone conversation over and over; and like a recovering alcoholic; suddenly blacked out pieces were starting to form in my mind that I may not have heard or put much weight on at the time.
Wait a minute? Did he really say, “I don’t wanna stop hanging out, I just need more–”
“Hey, Lance…I was seeing this guy and this is how it went down…” I explained, “He looked so solemn when I went to his apt. his voice sounded ok, but his face was serious and calm. I’ve never seen him like before.
“Did I do the right thing?”
I still don’t have that answer. My girlfriend said, “Yes, he wanted to still hang out for the sex.” And my guy friend said, “He probably doesn’t know how to express himself. He’s barely 25, and has the emotional state of a 17 year old.”
So now completely besides myself in guilt and angst I remember that his moving date was coming up, and that I would call a few days after he had settled to see how he was and hopefully that would signal we could be on friendly terms. It didn’t fully dawn on me that Jon would be mad or upset over breaking things off. Why would he be angry? He didn’t want to be with me? It really was his choice or ultimatum, I never asked him to choose to see me exclusively.
What if he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again? Some people do hold grudges, especially if they perceived themselves as being wronged. Did I wrong him or did he wrong me? As a functioning zombie going through lots of talk therapy with friends, I realized how we both failed at communication and meeting each others’ expectations. Not to mention our insecurities getting in the way.
So, after hurling my first decent meal I picked up the phone and called him. I left a message. And eventually went to sleep.
By midday the next day, I realized that I needed closure, and thought that even if Jon was upset or wanted nothing to do with me; I had to be ok with that. Was he trying to send a message that I wasn’t worth speaking to, even though I just wanted to see if everything was ok, still be on friendly terms? I guess the transition to friendship was too unrealistic. So I sent what I thought would be my last (and most regrettable) text:
Hey Jon, I guess by ignoring me, you wanted me to feel low? Point taken. I was reaching out to the friend I thought I had in you. I didn’t think that when you broke up with me that we caste each other out of our lives.
And that was it. I went for a walk, chatted with friends, made plans. I had a cooking demo at my house (one of the last plans I made to do with Jon) that night, and went to bed feeling like it was over, finally over.
And as I closed my eyes, I imagined myself getting into the relationship mobile Jon, and gunning down the highway into the Rabbithole to an unfamiliar place. The steep curves and hills, are little more pronounced and the warning signs are now clearer. As a passenger in this vehicle, I may have anticipated that the straight and narrow road we were on may have been deceiving; after all I was probably more prepared than he was to break things off, rather than stay and make it work.
Did he really not see it coming?
Ch 14. The Long Road Ahead
Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.
© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne