I have rejected a number of guys in my short lifetime.
From all those “Drive-by Hollas”
I’d sometimes Hollaback.
But that’s as far I would take it. Just say “hi” and keep it moving.
Used to be a time, when I’d go to the club and there was always a guy or three wanting to dance:
And maybe buy me a drink:
And then eventually ask if I ‘d like to…have some sweet stuff:
But a few Fridays ago, I finally decided to come out of the cave and soothe my primal needs. I had been distracting myself with other activities, until I felt that I was ready to be “out there”. Last June, my male friend tried, unsuccessfully, to hook me up during a fun night out. But I felt it too soon and the handsome man was too married.
But now its been about…18 months, but whose counting? So I thought I might give it a stab. I have even been lurking around my old online profile; but I don’t think I want to go back to the site again.
So nonetheless, my wingman takes me out to several bars in Manhattan along the Upper Westside. With some liquid courage, I was able to start some pretty good conversations and even shamelessly touch and caress the targets’ arm to signal that I’m ready.
Turns out, no one was ready.
I was rejected about three times that night, ( I think twice from the same person).
The last guy I ended up having a great conversation with…I think. Well, I remember the most about him. Including the fact that he just broke up with his girlfriend earlier in the week.
Boy can I pick ‘em?
So I spent the latter part of the night, encouraging him to “talk about it” and trying to console him because I think he was gonna cry, or maybe just really annoyed with me.
I’m not sure when I got home or how.
I am now in the category of women that are educated, self-supporting, a few years shy of 30, and single. The likelihood that I would get married by 30, and biological clock nonsense, doesn’t apply to me anymore.
I mean let’s face it, if I can’t drunk guy in a dive bar at something o’clock to go home with, then what are the chances of having a real relationship?
An old acquaintance of mine, has been seeing this
douche, dude, for like 6 or 7 years off and on. He constantly tells her he wants a future with her and blah blah…but then they break up. Usually because he does some dumb shit, and then they do their own thing for awhile and circle back to each other through hooking up…blah blah blah.
That’s not a real relationship, and who would want that drama of being “the sure thing.” You know the girl that waits patiently for her man to finish sewing his wild oats.
For a time I hoped for a reconnection with the reporter, but I realize now that I’ve gone through a metamorphosis and realized that I’m not the average woman who would follow the same plain Jane path.
I’m in a category all my own that can be defined by my standards. And not centered around someone else.
We’ve all been rejected, including my acquaintance who has been rejected multiple times by the same person. You’d think she take the hint….but nonetheless, it took a hard rejection for me to understand what it means to live.
So I’ll go out again in another few weeks, and this time focus more on living and having a good time, than chasing tail.
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The first five dates are the most impressionable in anyone’s dating life. If you’re a guy in hot pursuit of your dream girl, listen up. Start off on the right foot (rather than that said foot in your mouth) from date one. Saddle up for love with these six manly fashion fundamentals.
Pre-first Date — Seal the Deal
If you want to impress a quality girl, confidence is key. No matter your objective, whether you want to take a girl home or to Taco Bell, you must be a confident dude with a nothing-to-lose attitude. The single girl is already on the defense before even knowing your name. She looks for one reason to give a guy a chance, and it’s (real) confidence that will put a crack in her wall of dating fortification.
You know who you are and feel comfortable with the guy staring back at you in the mirror. Tread gently though, and don’t mistake arrogance for confidence. Narcissism or egotism will quickly end your pursuit.
Date 1 — Dinner & Drinks
Taking a girl to dinner may be cliché, but custom romantic traditions still make her swoon (or more honestly, meet an expectation). Plan to pay on the first date. Chivalry is not dead.
Truthfully, everything you say or do will be judged, so jump into the trenches with a simple outfit to help mitigate messy first-date warfare. The look of understated sexiness? A well-fitted pair of 7 For All Mankind denim jeans and a clean, casual T-shirt paired with a luxury watch, such as Nixon or the higher-end Bulgari. A sexy and confident single man who isn’t afraid of rejection invests in a good watch. A watch is the one piece of men’s jewelry that punctuates his style. Plus, you’re a man who prefers to tell time with an artful clock face rather than a glaring iPhone screen.
Date 2 — The Outdoors Test
Most men like a versatile woman. She’s just as hot in workout shoes on a mountain trail as she is in heels at the club. Date three will crush a couple barriers and determine if the girl knows how to break a sweat. Going for a hike or riding bikes reveals her adventurous and athletic side. And just as much as she may love her Lululemon yoga pants, you’re loyal to your active shades as well.
Sure, you’re a man who likes his options. If you admittedly have an entire collection of aftermarket replacement lenses for your Oakleys, save the rainbow polarized lenses for the next Vegas bachelor party. Rock the classic titanium or black-colored lenses, and you can both focus on your rad workout together, because remember, couples who work out together—stay together, forever.
Date 3 — Home Visit
Is this love? Could be. But first it’s time to plan for the third date—the highly anticipated overnighter. Invite her over for the evening and turn up the heat by cooking her a thoughtfully planned meal. The theme of the date is the seduction of aroma.
Along with the delicious scents of juicy pork tenderloin, sautéed zucchini and Pinot Noir, enhance the romantic evening with an even more arousing fragrance (you). Dior Homme Cologne won the 2014 GQ Grooming Awards, and for a rugged manly man on a quest to become the next Dan Bilzerian (Instagram’s most notorious playboy), Penhaligon’s Sartorial Beard Oil will render your girl weak in the knees and with luck, head over heels.
Date 4 — Bro Introduction
Before entering relationship territory, you’re gonna need approval. Bro approval. Plan a nightly summertime backyard barbecue outfitted with the works—chicken, ribs, sweet potatoes and brew. It’s the alcohol-infused congregation of your friends and hers. This party may as well be the mixer of your 30s, reminiscent of college fratty days.
And as the grill master on the verge of a serious boyfriend status, don’t be afraid to be more fashionably frivolous. Ditch the Vans or flip-flops for stylish suede shoes in olive green or rusty orange. Chubbies shorts in pastel and a tucked-in denim chambray will transform a pair of Johnston & Murphy suede shoes into a statement.
Date 5 — Facebook Official
Like it was possible for your friends not to like her. Now that you’ve got bro approval, turn this amour into a real relationship. Asking her to be your girlfriend doesn’t have to be formal affair; no one’s proposing here. It should, however, be more meaningful than a text or public use of a label neither of your discussed.
Make it Facebook official and initiate a sincere conversation while just hanging out in your lounge-wear. If you want to look even more endearing, throw on your favorite hat. The boyishness of a man in a sporty hat makes a girl swoon like heart-eyes emoji. She’s now yours. It’s official. Facebook official.
The Internet is a great place to find dating advice. Unfortunately, most of it comes from those who have simply dated a lot. If you are reading this and want to get to a second date, then you do not want to date often. You want to date well. You want to do it right and maybe meet that special someone. The best place to look for dating instruction is in a lab. Science has done more good for romance than any online feedback ever will.
The Science of Attraction
Mate selection is strongly ingrained in our genetics, coming from the caveman days and persisting today. The reasons for attraction are multidimensional with influences from perceived masculinity, intelligence and facial symmetry. A British study showed the men who self-focus on muscle size are more oppressive to women and that women know this at some level. The takeaway from this study is that having a chiseled body may get you a second look but might not get you the second date.
The Science of Women
It’s not you. It’s me. As painful as this sounds, it may be true. Human beings are dynamic in nature. We change constantly. This is especially true for emerging adult females—women in their early 20s. A study published in the Journal of Youth Adolescence found that there is a strong link between subjective well-being and attraction in women. A woman that is happy will be more attractive and she will find a happy male to be more attractive. Hiding your feelings is never a good relationship strategy but leading with emotion on your first date probably will not work for the normal female.
The Science of Romance
The most beautiful thing that a woman can say to a man is that she secretes oxytocin when she sees him. Oxytocin is a hormone produced in the brain by the pituitary gland that has been found to effect monogamy in mammals. It is strongly linked to dopamine, the happiness hormone. Oxytocin actually makes a woman perceive you as more attractive. From a neurochemical point of view, the reason that romance is so important is that it creates a cyclic cascade of positive neurochemicals. Make her laugh during the date, and don’t forget about flowers. It’s always a nice gesture to get her a bouquet. If you want to send them to her place of work as a surprise, delivery services like FTD are are trusted resources. Be a gentleman, and keep that oxytocin flowing.
The Science of Love
Yes, it is time to use the L-word. As scary as it may be, if you want the second date it means that you want the third and fourth and fifth. According to researcher Robert Sternberg, there are three dimensions of love; commitment is one along with intimacy and passion. That perfect date will have components of each of these. It means sharing enough to be intimate without oversharing, being physical enough without groping and opening up the possibility that this can be forever. Let the science of dating be the foundation for finding love. Make every date an attempt at discovering happiness.
Getting back into the dating game can be rough if you’ve been out of it for a few years (or decades). Maybe you once considered yourself a Romeo, but now you’re out of practice and not sure how to proceed. Plus, you know the dating rules have changed since the last time you were on the market. So how do you make sure you score a second date with a nice woman, next time someone piques your interest? Here are four ways.
1. Don’t Come on Too Strong
Many men who re-enter the dating scene again after a long break make the mistake of coming on too strong and scaring the woman away. She may be beautiful and amazing, but don’t keep telling her so over and over again. This will put you in “potential creepy stalker” territory in her mind right away. In addition, avoid:
- telling her you could fall in love with her
- planning a date that is too extravagant or too romantic
- kissing her too deeply and too long when you say goodnight
- lavishing her with overly expensive gifts
Instead, be polite, alert, and give her a small gift at the beginning of the date, or even before. Consider having flowers delivered to her office the day of your date to show her that you’re looking forward to the evening ahead.
2. Be a Good Listener
Another mistake men make on first dates is talking too much about themselves. While she does want to know certain things about you, she also wants you to know about her, and she wants to see if you’re a good listener. Make sure the conversation is two-sided and ask plenty of questions about her childhood, family, job, and hobbies.
3. Keep the Conversation Light
There’s an old saying that you should never talk about religion or politics in polite company. The same is true for a first date. Avoid discussing anything that could lead to potential arguments. Now is also not the time to talk about things that are too intimate, such as your most recent colonoscopy or your ex-wife’s cheating ways. Keep the conversation topics light and positive to make way for enjoyable conversation.
4. Pay for the Date
It may sound old-fashioned, but most of today’s women still expect the man to pay for the first date. Going Dutch on subsequent dates is perfectly okay, and if she really likes you, she may even offer to pay on future dates. However, you won’t get any future dates with her if you don’t pay for the first. Lack of paying shows a lack of consideration and general lack of manners on your part. Make her feel like a lady, and insist on treating her to a nice meal on your first date.
If you live in New York City, chances are that you’ve lost touch with the city’s magical qualities. Yet every year, millions of visitors flock to the Big Apple for a slice of NYC glamour and glitz. In fact, NYC & Company, the city’s official marketing organization, estimates that New York attracted more than 52 million international and domestic visitors in 2012 alone. But lucky you—this thriving city is your playground and you have all its treasures at your fingertips, especially when planning your next hot date.
Whether you’re in search of a destination for a memorable first date or looking for something special to commemorate an anniversary, New York City has a number a number of ways to impress the special guy in your life.
A Dinner to Remember
Elevate an average dinner out by taking your guy to the restaurant that topped Zagat’s 100 Best Restaurants list, Le Bernardin. This exceptional restaurant, which has also been awarded three stars by the Michelin Guide, features exquisite French dining by well-known chef, Eric Ripert. Le Bernardin’s pre-fixe dinners start at $130, so this is definitely going to be an epicurean experience to remember—in other words, not cheap. But if your guy is worth the bucks, this is the place to spoil him.
Photo by arnold I inuyaki via Flickr
A Thespian’s Delight
If your beau’s favorite thespian is in town, purchase a pair of New York City Broadway tickets. Look for Bebe Neuwirth to appear again in Chicago. Neuwirth, who won a Tony for playing Velma Kelly during the 1996 run of this musical, will be trying her hand at a different role this time. According to Artsbeat, Neuwirth will appear as “Mama” Morton for this outing.
Other stars hitting Broadway stages soon, include Michelle Williams and Alan Cumming who will be in town in March for Cabaret. And if your guy likes controversy, the current talk of the town has been focused on the rather “interesting” casting of Carly Rae Jepsen in Cinderella, which will also feature Fran Drescher.
Photo by Broadway Tour via Flickr
Move to the Groove
If you and your partner spend many a night in awe of the glamorous outfits and choreography of the dancers on “Dancing with the Stars,” consider booking a dance lesson with Big Apple Ranch, which is held at the Dance Manhattan Studios. The Big Apple Ranch offers courses in a number of different dance styles, including West Coast Swing, two-step and line dancing.
Cooking Love Lessons
You’ve heard the expression: The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right? So why not take a cooking class—or better yet, a sensual cooking class. Appetite for Seduction offers classes that teach couples how to create three-course sensual meals together. Its classes have names such as Insatiable Italian and Steak and a BJ. CBS New York recently included Appetite of Seduction in its list of the Seven Best Cooking Classes in New York and New Jersey.
Photo by Jeff Kubina via Flickr