Tag Archives: Men

ch14

Chapter 14: Long Road Ahead

It’s dark and silent.

Even with my window curtain and panel opened to bring in as much August air, my room is surprisingly dark and quiet for a summer’s night in New York City. The street lights are an orange glow that seem to dim rather than saturate my room; and the neighborhood kids must have decided to turn in early.

Its Quiet.

Or maybe I fell too far down that hole again.

The car, the date, his lips, his words, but I can’t see his face. I’m in the car, he drives we hold hands, we’re going on a date; I said “So you think this is a date?”

The crash.

We crashed. He drove too fast. I held his hand, and he couldn’t—-

RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wake up, to remember its Wednesday night.

Nine days ago, I told a guy that I really liked and deeply cared for that I was going speed dating to meet other single Men; in hopes that he would convince me not to…because we were an item, –because he felt things that I felt, but could not describe.

But instead he wanted to come too. So we broke things off. He changed his mind about speed dating.

This morning I sent him a text and thought that would be the last I ever talked to him, because he was too angry to speak to me.

Now he calls, and I shakily answered the phone…reminding myself I had to be strong, that I had my time to grieve and let everything out and Jon didn’t. That I was going to be an emotional punching bag for this boy that is emotional unstable. And I could dish it. Anyway, hadn’t I asked for this? For Jon to reach out to me no matter state he was in…what piece of work I…

Hello?” I said cautiously.

Hi Sabrien, Its Jon….I’m sorry for calling so late, I was out drinking with my friends…got a little drunk”

Crap.

Are you drunk now? Where are you, are you safe?” I asked.

Yeh yeh..you know it doesn’t take much with me, I’m by the train station….look I got your message, I wasn’t trying to ignore you Sabrien….so busy” says Jon.

Ohhh…its ok, I guess I just felt, um —as long you’re ok” I replied.

I know you were wishing me well with the move and everything which seemed like a good reason on your part to call…..” He continued.

My stomach knotted

I really was concerned, cause he asked for my help and I agreed, until….I wish I had called earlier maybe I still could have came to help. But I didn’t…..

But my dad came. Its fine here, except for a neighbor that….” Jon continued.

I was boderlining between joy, elation, frustration, and sadness. I was extremely happy and sad to hear his voice, though heavily inebriated; and frustrated and elated that even though we exchanged a brief banter….it was too thin to be veiled like “old times.” Our cracked and fatigued voices, begged for answers. I desperately wanted to forget last week and just pick –

Please don’t think I’m ignoring you, I had a ten hour day and I just wanted to sleep last night-” He whimpered.

“HOW COULD YOU SAY I BROKE UP WITH YOU?!?! I NEVER WANTED TO STOP SEEING YOU!!!…. I MISS YOU SABRIEN, I MISS YOU! I don’t hate you… I’m fond of you, SO VERY FOND OF YOU!….” Jon screamed into his phone.

Umm…

I now was off the fence and thrown into complete shock by his outburst. It was out of character, even for the boy that I labeled an unstable emotionally immature lonely drug addict (In case you missed that chapter), to just “lose it.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were hurt, you seem ok…and I reached out” I stammered.


I’M

NOT

HURT?!!

YOU think I’m NOT emotionally wounded?! I AM, SO THERE! YOU WOUNDED ME!” He retorted.


I’m sorry Jon, I wasn’t trying to do that…I don’t know, I never wanted to break up, I like you too. So much more than you understood.” I pleaded.

It was true….sober or drunk I don’t think Jon would have ever understood how much I cared about him. Its too deep, not even I understood the roots of the being that grew to consume me mind, body and soul. I’d give up any one of those for him.

NO! You were just using me!! And you were MAD at me!!!” He accused.


“I don’t- using you for what?” I asked. Really tell me.


“I don’t know.” He answered.


“Jon, I did care…I even paid your parking ticket for you, without telling you and…” I tried to explain.


“THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME!!!!!” I could imagine him sitting outside the subway station, yelling his soul over the cell phone as onlookers distanced themselves warily from him.

NOTHING!!! I JUST WANT YOUR BODY….YOUR BODY!!!” He continued.


“How many other men have you had sex with? YOU’RE INEXPERIENCED, and kept joking about how young I was and how you were going to jail, TELL ME HOW MANY? DID YOU ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH THEM, SABRIEN?!? YOU HATED IT WITH ME!!!” He demanded.


“Look everyone’s experience is different….not about being inexperienced…..What happened between us is no one’s fault. Its about our feelings, they didn’t match up we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Its not about wrong or right or who to blame. We just felt differently about each other. And that’s ok” I replied, almost a little too mechanically as it was one of the lines I remembered from a break-up advice site. I felt it was true, or at least I could believe it…that in the end maybe Jon didn’t feel the same way and I got —


“YOU SEE! YOU
DON’T GET IT SABRIEN!!!! THERE IS BLAME!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU’RE THE BLAME!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT I DON’T FEEL ABOUT YOU THE WAY YOU WANTED TOO!”

I won’t bore you with all 90 minutes of this conversation, I’m not sure if the snippets are in order. But the last thing I said to him in a very tearful way, was that I tried really really hard to show my true feelings for him and reassure him that I liked him, and I was sorry that he couldn’t see it.

And hung up.

I texted him again apologizing for anything insensitive that may have occurred.

Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.

A quiet night shattered by a crash.

Ch. 15 Truth and Reckoning

I’m not interested in that Sabrien”

For a moment, I thought I was looking at the face of another man. He did not possess the boyish good looks or charm that mesmerized me. As he shoved down his food, me still having no appetite, I realized what had changed. He was revealing himself to me, his truth. And it was ugly. Jon repulsed me.

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Chapter 1: The Snob

So got your degree in history, huh? Cool, I love history.”

This is the first message Jon sent to me after adding him as a favorite to my bucket list. In the online dating world you could browse through various profiles and save the ones that interest you, so you can browse through them later. The dating site alerted him that he had been favorited and he decided to contact me: he had to pay to do that.

After some back and forth emailing he sent me his phone number and I texted him, and eventually called to hear the man behind his salacious online handle: Mr. Switch.

Hi, Its Sabrien from online. How are you?”

Jon-Hey yo, why the fuck are you calling from a blocked number, huh? What the fuck you are trying to hide? What the fuck is this?”

Sabrien –Um, are you serious, I think you need to calm the fuck down…”I thought this guy was from New England?  Is this the right number?

Jon –Eh I ain’t doing shit right now,  just came from the fucking….”

And that was pretty much how Jon and I introduced each other, a pretentious and vulgar ruffling of feathers like two male peacocks fighting for territory in the middle of mating season. Had we met in person immediately after emailing each other, there probably would have been blood spilled.

No, there definitely would have been blood spilled.

And so we talked…..about stuff, whatever I could make out between his F bombs. He went to school out of state, is an only child, C-section baby, and works as a reporter in the city.

Jon-So how did you find my profile?”

Sabrien -Yeh I was browsing people in my area, and I’m 25 about to have a birthday soon, your profile said we’re the same age….so I messaged you cause there’s not a lot guys in my age group in this area….”

Jon-I’m 24, oh I actually changed that on purpose”

Sabrien-Oh ha ha ha….so now who’s trying to hide something! You ragged on me for having a blocked number?”
Jon -Not trying to fucking hide anything, just hiding my identity”

I’m thinking: Douchebag!

Sabrien – “You know we’re in the same boat…how long have you been online?”

Not only was Mr. Switch new to online matchmaking, but he hadn’t been active for even a month before we contacted each other. Virgin and paranoid, he would continue to “ruffle his feathers” in an attempt to show his virility and “CHARM”

Jon also seemed to be a good writer and have an inquisitve nature, but you can forget about art of seduction, the guy needed to review Friendly People Skills  for Dummies 101.  Call me a pseudo-psychologist but I was his mirror; I could see underneath his façade and reflect his projections. Every time he shot, I patronized back.

So you’re actually younger than me?….hhhmmm…. I dunno,….guys your age are usually immature…did you graduate college?”

Jon- “Yeh, I went to a small…”

Sabrien – “Oh my university is top three in the state, graduated with honors…So your profile says you’re new to the scene, I guess I’m more experienced…”

After a short period we decided to meet.  I scheduled him last after a succession of dates I had lined up that weekend. Sunday before our first encounter, I had a very fulfilling brunch in lower Manhattan with a very unfulfilling date: cocky, arrogant, and yes ladies we went DUTCH (and I’m Caribbean, I don’t speak that language!). Conversation topic: “ I Hate New Yorkers. Can’t wait to go back to Boston…law school…corporate….Sh!t….”

That night, Jon had loosened up a bit and became more comfortable and low key in conversation and our banter was more natural and PG-13.

Before I hung up with him, I heard sigh of relief, and imagined him lying back on a bed or chair; maybe he took some of my stretching and deep breathing advice….

Jon – “So, 6:30…I’m excited to meet you tomorrow”

Sabrien – “Why?”

Are you sure you write for the paper and not just deliver it?

Now who’s the snob?

Preview for Next Week

Backspace + Ctrl+ Enter

Hi, I’m looking for….Naked Lunch

Sabrien — “So what are you looking for?”

Jon – “I just want to have fuuuunnn and  be with someone that loves trying new things…this is my first blind date”

Sabrien – “You think this is a date? What kind of stuff do you like to do

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Introduction: The best kept secret in weight loss…

Relationships

The way men and women relate and communicate to each other has gotten more complicated and difficult to navigate than the current U.S. Immigration laws. Especially when you’re young, naïve, and just a little bit crazy, and you find someone with the exact same attributes.

Thus, brings me to my recent experience with a young gentleman we will call Jon **. Now Jon and I are a year apart, and he works as a reporter in the city. Our first date was a blind one, and quickly hit the ceiling on an intense physically affectionate experience. Now, I admit I’m not a nun, I have been physical before early on when meeting someone, but there was something about Jon I saw in his eyes when he spoke. It was like I could see the whole world when he was talking, literally like watching a movie and seeing the world as he saw it. We talked on the phone almost every night, and texted each other every day from morning to night.

Now, for the red flags; yes every time you and your partner get into the relationship mobile, and decide to gun it at 300 miles per hour, all the warning signs pointing to the upcoming cliffs and curves may have been a blur, but you definitely saw them. You can say that I was carsick, since the night I first met Jon.  I was excited and beyond pleased when he stood up and I gave him a customary hug and he offered me his arm as we walked to local pub.  He seemed pleased too.  I thought he was incredibly handsome, polite, and boyishly charismatic.

Throughout our conversation, the pupil of his eyes remained dilated and would triangulate as he turned to sip a beer mug in between his statements. I probably remember more about his shape shifting eyes then the things we talked about; but he filled me in a way that I couldn’t eat, I didn’t need breakfast, lunch, or kick boxing. Talking to him was…my survival. This is the beginning of my weight loss diary. I broke my 5-day gym habit, and started eating out- 10pm at night at Jon’s apartment while my weight and mind began to waste away.

I met this man online, initially having low desire and expectations for anything beyond a casual friendship to develop. He on the other hand was experiencing his first blind date; possibly even the first one he managed to conjure up on his own without the assistance of a “wingman” or a “Go-to-guy” with a cocktail in hand. Our expectations, anxieties, and fantasies toed a delicate line of appeasement and contempt. It pushed and pulled at our souls between frustration, confusion, and yearning. And so began “The Reporter and The Girl: MINUS The Super Man!”

Next week’s preview

The Snob

“Yeh I’m 25 about to have a birthday soon, your profile said we’re the same age….so I messaged you cause there’s not a lot guys in my age group in the area….”

Jon- “I’m actually 24, oh I actually changed that on purpose”

“Oh ha ha ha….so now who’s trying to hide something! You ragged on me for having a blocked number?”

Jon - “Not trying to fucking hide anything, just hiding my identity”

I’m thinking: Douchebag

Jon- “I’m excited to meet you tomorrow”

Sabrien – “Why?”

http://youtu.be/I28u42WecDk

**Names in the story has been changed to protect the privacy of the individual and any similarities to actual persons, either living or dead, are merely coincidental.**

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne