Tag Archives: moving on

heartbreak, starting over, sewing a heart, broken heart, finding love

Coping With a Breakup 101: Top Tips to Help Get Over The Ex

Breakups are hard to overcome, and moving on can feel nearly impossible. You may want to just stay in bed and eat, but the best way to move on from a breakup is to get up, get out and get active. Refocus your mind away from the emotional pain and start moving your life forward. The three things to remember: be social, be active, be open to possibilities. Here are a few tips in these areas:

Be Social

Surround yourself with friends and family, and make an effort to meet new people. Visit websites like Meetup.com to find clubs for like-minded people who get out socialize. Groups range from knitting circles, sports teams, hiking groups, motorcycle clubs and independent filmmaker workshops.

Social interaction is healthy and will help you stop thinking about your miserable ex. By joining new groups, you might even pick up an unexpected hobby and find new ways to express yourself:

Like blogging!

Be Active

Another outlet for those sorrowful feelings is exercise. Go for a hike or a run. Get out your aggression through cardio, boxing or weightlifting. Try Pilates, yoga or Zumba. The endorphins produced through physical activity can alleviate those sad, yucky feelings and get you to see things in a more positive light. Endorphins also help by improving self-esteem and positivity and reducing your perception of pain. So get up off the couch and go for a run—it will even be a sweet bonus if you happen to run into your ex and have the chance to show off your newly fit body!

Go out dancing. Get some friends together and take a beginners dance class. Chose from tap, swing, hip hop, ballet, or ballroom—the style doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you’re getting out, taking part in an upbeat activity and getting those endorphins flowing.

Even a night out dancing at a club can be a great time among friends. And remember: Don’t take yourself too seriously. If you dance goofy then dance goofy. Laughing and smiling will help you feel better.

Be Open to New Possibilities

Always be open-minded about new possibilities. Go to a museum. Attend a local food or culture festival. Listen to live music in your local area. Ever tried boating? Boating is a fun activity that gets you outdoors, and with the wind blowing through your hair, you’ll feel your troubles melt away. If you have never done it before, now is a great time to learn. Research the best boating spots in your area and go online to obtain your boating license if necessary.

Take advantage of the different seasons and choose activities that pique your interest. From sight-seeing right in your own backyard or learning something new, to hiking, dancing, boating and running—these are the healthful activities that will have you on your way to emotional healing in no time.

The key to moving on after breakups is staying active. While it may seem impossible to crawl out of bed, you will be happier when you do. Remember to try new things and to be social. There is hope after a breakup, you just have to believe it and go discover it.

So stop reading already, get up, and do something!

S.c Rhyne

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chocolate cake, flourless cake, cake from scratch, salted buttercream frosting, interracial relationships, heart break, comfort food, coconut ice cream

Starting From Scratch

Hello World!

This summer had been unremarkable to say the least, well unremarkable at home; around the world the streets are still colored in blood and justice.

But nonetheless, the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about making a real effort to start over. See, in the last year — I’ve lost a lot, from a relationship to weight to a career; and I made headway in some departments, but I still feel bogged down in my new environment.

It probably has something to do with the fact that both the reporter and I were thinking the same thing for 2014, and decided to get new jobs in the same field.

wtf stamp, what the fuck, what the hell, the reporter and the girl,

Courtesy of speakgeekytome.com

Hhhmmmm…Well that was surprising to say the least.

Anyways, new job, new bullshit, new goals; but really hard to argue that I’m making a fresh start when I bump into the same old faces or have to deal with same bullshit at work.

It’s like running in place.

Now I’d really like to change jobs, and even move somewhere…far. Like Europe.

Thus, I’m hoping some of my European readers can help me out and point me where to look. I’ve been wanting to visit for a long time, but I think the idea of moving and starting over there is plausible.

Like the yummy chocolate cake that I made last night, I like to do things from scratch. When I first saw “Jon” a few months ago, I didn’t say a word to him, and neither did he to me. Despite the fact that we were forced to sit next together during a public presentation (so obviously it would have been rude to kick him in the balls in front of a hundred people).

My friend says it was cold-hearted, but I’m hardcore when it comes to erasing the past and the ills it brought me. Even if it  means moving or running.

Listen, I’m sick and tired of taking the train and looking up at his old station where we used to meet up. I don’t even think I’ve been down to that part of Brooklyn in over a year.

So is it better to start from scratch? Or should I just scrape the charred pieces off and eat my cake?

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Recipe!

This is a dense and gooey chocolate cake. Very is to make and its gluten free (no flour!)

1 ounce semisweet chocolate, chopped          1/2 cup cocoa powder
1/2 cup butter                                                  3 eggs, beaten
3/4 cup sugar                                                  1 teaspoon vanilla extract

I played around with the ingredients, taking away an egg, and adding a little more chocolate and less sugar. The result was a soft cake but with a stronger chocolate taste, almost to the point of having a slightly bitter aftertaste. This was fine as I paired it with salted buttercream frosting and coconut ice cream!

  1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees F (150 degrees C). Grease a cake pan, and dust with a little cocoa powder.
  2.  Melt chocolate and butter. Remove from heat, and stir in sugar, cocoa powder, eggs, and vanilla. Pour into prepared pan.
  3. Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes. Let cool in pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack and cool completely. Slices can also be reheated for 20 to 30 seconds in the microwave before serving.

Salted Buttercream Frosting

1 cup confectioner’s (powdered) sugar                          2 tablespoons milk or cream

1/2 cup butter (salted variety)                                        1/2 teaspoon coarse sea salt

1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

1. Mix together sugar and butter. Mix on slowly until well blended and then increase speed to beat for another 3 minutes.

2. Add vanilla and cream or milk and continue to whisk for s few minutes until you reach the desired consistency. You can add more cream or milk if needed.

3. Sprinkle with sea salt after spreading over cake.

fresh start, moving on, letting go, the reporter and the girl, s.c rhyne, interracial relationships blog, arrow pointing

Top 4 American Cities for Starting Over

Life is a journey, and for many of us our journey takes us to new and vibrant places for a handful of reasons across the span of our lifetime such as landing a dream job, starting a family, or moving on to the next chapter in life. For those who are looking for a fresh place to hang their hats, the following four American cities are wonderful places to start over.

Anchorage, Alaska

From its awe-inspiring scenic beauty and relatively low unemployment rate to its strong local economy, Anchorage is a top city to live and work. For people looking to elevate their careers, consider that over a quarter of the companies in Anchorage are planning on hiring new workers, with job prospects in the financial, construction, education, leisure and health service industries being especially strong, according to MSN. Job seekers who are looking for a new career and a promising job market are sure to do well with a move way up north. Forget the all-work no-play mentality—Anchorage is a great for location for outdoor enthusiasts to play—hiking, biking, kayaking, skiing, and other outdoor adventures wait outside of your door each day if you move to this city.

I lived in Anchorage for a short period and have thought about going back to get away from things.

Johnson City, Tennessee

For people who have had enough of sky-high rents and astronomical grocery bills, The Volunteer State offers a very low cost of living. Tennessee has no income tax and is second to only Oklahoma for its budget-friendly living expenses, according to Business Insider. Known as Tennessee’s Green City, Johnson City has earned top honors, receiving the state’s first Green City Leadership award for its environmental efforts. Eco-conscious folks who relocate to Tennessee will find that the rent or mortgage on their new home is so reasonable, they will have plenty of wiggle room in the budget for home improvement projects, such as adding green features like energy efficient windows, new roofing, and custom doors to their new abode.

Phoenix, Arizona

Although the capital of Arizona was hit especially hard during the recent recession, the city is bouncing back to be better than ever. Many homes are now available at extremely reasonable prices and people ages 20-29 are flocking to this city. Phoenix is also home to a number of major corporations, including Intel, PetSmart, Motorola, and top employers include Bank of America and Wal-Mart. Granted, Phoenix gets pretty toasty in the summer with temperatures that easily top 110 degrees on some days, but as former Northeasterners who now call Phoenix home like to say, “You don’t have to shovel sunshine.” The weather is gorgeous for the majority of the year, the employment outlook is positive, and there’s a plethora of fantastic restaurants and a rich culture—all of these things help make Phoenix a great place for young people to reinvent themselves.

Bethesda, Maryland

Moms and dads who hold education in high regard and wouldn’t mind switching careers should consider Bethesda, Maryland. The area has an exceptionally low unemployment rate of around 5 percent, which is over 2 points lower than the national average, according to Forbes. In addition, the housing market is very strong, and the state is listed as number one in the entire country for its school systems. Boasting a great quality of life, Bethesda often appears on on lists ranking the livability of top cities, making this town an excellent place to live.

the writing process, debut novel, the reporter and the girl, jon and sabrien, nyc reporter, publishing, self-publishing

Publishing is Hard…

What, it’s September already!

Yep, it seemed like just a few weeks ago, I posted on this blog for any freelance editors to take a look at my manuscript. After self-editing and making last minute changes, I turned it over to Jesse Rebock, for round one of professional assessment.

I twiddled my thumbs while I went through waves of worry and excitement. When I received the corrections back, I realized that I had a bit more work to do. But now it’s up for round two and I feel more confident, although self-conscious because you never know what someone will say. And my fingernails haven’t grown this summer from all the anticipation.

But its a learning process. As you can see, I use comas now instead of semi-colons. I know the difference between “lie” and “lay” and I still start my sentences with “and” and “but”. But I’m learning more about writing and the industry.

Last week, I made a decision on a book cover that I can’t wait to unveil to you all. And I’m looking for bloggers, reviewers, and writers who are interested in doing a review.

This summer has come and gone with me mainly being at the computer. Between reading, writing, and my building my kitchen, I have been very distracted from thinking about…you know. In the Spring, I didn’t think I could survive this summer hopping around the train and walking around downtown without memories surging. But I I solved that by living at my desk and spending a portion of it out of town.

This weekend some of you will be with friends and families enjoying various festivities, or enjoying your “quiet time”. The new season is hanging in the air, and soon we will turn a new leaf. I hope you guys will be turning that leaf with me, as October will mark my one year blog-iversary and all the changes in my life that came with it. All the people who have come and gone: and the ones that stayed to tough it out with me.

Because I’ve learned to share something pretty important.

I hope you all with tough it out with me too!

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin’ to borrow money. I’ve always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.
–Richard Pryor

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breaking up, getting back together, ex, interracial dating, relationships, Jon and Sabine dating, The Reporter and The Girl, moving on, hard letting go

Guest Post: 5 Reasons Your Relationship With Your Ex Was Not As Great As You Think

By Kevin

Do you ever regret breaking up with your ex? Do you think the relationship with your ex was amazing and you messed it up?

If so, you are probably not thinking things thoroughly. Here is a list of reasons why your relationship with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend was not as great as you think.

1. Emotions

Break-ups can really mess up your mind. You are feeling emotions left and right and it seems the easy way to stop feeling these emotions is to get back with your ex. You start trying to convince yourself that your relationship was pretty good and getting back together will be a good idea. But in reality, you are just trying to avoid the break-up pain and the grieving by going back to a relationship that gave you this pain in the first place. Studies have shown that breakup pain is very real, and your mind will try to avoid this pain at any cost; even if it means getting back into a bad relationship.

2. You Are Just Lonely

After a long day at work, you come home, you eat your dinner alone and you go to bed alone. While lying down in bed, you start remembering your ex. You start remembering the things you loved about your ex. How they cooked chili for you and watched those movies with you. How they cuddled you in bed and whispered good night in your ear. How they kissed you every morning before you went to work. And all this suddenly makes you feel that your relationship with your ex was pretty good. Actually, the thing that you really miss is a relationship, not your ex. And it’s completely OK to want a relationship, as long as you don’t return to a bad one.

3. Investment

You know how some people stay in a bad relationship just because they’ve already invested a lot of time in it? It’s hard to give up on something you’ve already put so much time and effort in. If your relationship with your ex lasted for a long time, you’ve probably made a lot of sacrifices, put in a lot of effort and gone through a lot together. After a break-up, it seems easier to continue that relationship instead of doing everything again. You try to convince yourself that because you’ve invested so much in the relationship, it must be worth holding on to. But in reality, it’s nothing like that. If you think about it, the relationship didn’t work even after you made so much investment. And that just means your relationship was broken.

4.Beliefs

After a failed relationship, your faith in the opposite sex and relationships in general tends to shake a bit. You start feeling like there is no one better than your ex out there. You start ignoring all the bad things about your ex and start concentrating on the good things. You try to convince yourself that he or she is more suitable to you than the rest of the world. This happens usually after a bad date: you meet someone who is completely out of whack, and you can’t help thinking about how great your relationship was with your ex-partner. But in reality, you are just convincing yourself to settle for someone who is less than what you deserve. There are tons of people out there who are much more suitable for you than your ex; you just haven’t met them yet. And when you do, you will realize that she or he was not the only one for you.

5. You Broke Up

You started a relationship with him or her. You loved, laughed, had great time together, fought, worked on your relationship, and tried to solve your problems. All these things are normal in any good relationship. But in the end, for whatever reasons, you broke up. That alone should be enough to realize that your relationship was broken; because if there wasn’t something majorly wrong with your relationship, you wouldn’t have broken up. If you think that you broke up because of a reason that is not a big deal, then you are kidding yourself. If you could’ve fixed it, you wouldn’t have broken up.

Kevin writes about breakups and getting your ex back at unbreakup.org. Thinking about getting back together with your ex? Make sure you read this first.

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http://www.facebook.com/kevin.breakups

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https://twitter.com/thompkevin123 (@thompkevin123)

And the heart grows….Stronger

Forgive me because I’m using an iPad for the first time, as I do not have access to a computer.

Happy Independence Day weekend to my fellow BBQ-ing Americans. If you have a life then you’re probably not sitting around reading my post (and if you are, well I’m writing it, so that makes me….) but I still love you all!

Love.

Defined as a sensation by many
Instilled as expectations long ago
Internal? Otherwise fatherly/motherly
Arriving on a whim when the right person appears
Expecting a feeling to erase all our unspoken fears
Emotionally, physically, magically, spontaneously degenerates
As easy as you fell in
Spontaneously, magically fall out
Hocus pocus when the pixie dust is gone
there appears all the wrongs
Slight of hand slight of heart
Tremendous hopes and expectations
Consequence of your heart’s misconception
Is that the love you have for me?
Shallow as your eyes can see?
My love deeper and lasting
Your goodness appreciating
My love is a choice (first)
Dealing for better or worst
Focus rooted in the good in you
Meaning
Investing in you part of me giving
In the emotional times when we are low
Indecision to stay or go
In at its lowest always grow
Looking for the good in you
Loving you as God intended
This is not a magical feeling
Or whimsical affection
It did not just happen
Created over time without ballooning expectation
How can I so easily say…still
Because my love is not a feeling nor a magic sensation
It is loves true definition
Of you to me

By NLJ

So these are honest words written by a man who is also learning about love’s true meaning. I was talking with the poet about the changes he experienced after the dissolution of his marriage. He doesn’t hate his ex, he wishes the best for her; forgives her and is living in a new chapter. And the reason he is able to turn the page, is because he is experiencing love’s true meaning.

Because when you have love, you can’t hate the people who wronged you. Even those who betrayed your deepest trust. I know this is true, because the opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference. It’s when you can truly forgive that person, you can move on.

Though the circumstances are different, I wonder why I seem to have trouble with that last step of forgiving and moving on? Everyday, things are getting better and I try to stay positive and appreciate things more; little things no longer seem little -like someone smiling or saying “Good morning” to you. But I can’t help waving from blame to disappointment or anger over the way Jon exploited me.

And other times he doesn’t cross my mind, or I don’t feel anything when I think of him. I don’t want to date again despite everyone else telling me to…and even trying to hook me up (that’s a post for next week); but it’s hard forgiving someone who callously uses others for his own benefit.

But all in good time. Moving on is different for everyone, and the steps aren’t laid out like a map.

One year ago this month, I experienced something that I never felt. I was in love: meaning that for first time I gave love and saw someone in his purest form and I still loved him. And it takes courage and inner strength to give that to someone. Especially someone who may not deserve it.

Now I’m not with that person, not because I stopped loving him; but because I realize that he did not feel the same way or is unwilling to give back. Thus he would hurt me more if I stayed. My love has changed over the course of time, and it may not go away.

Maybe for men it’s different. And I would like to hear more from male readers. Even though the poet and I talked on legnth about this topic, I know men are wired differently and may not experience the same love in every relationship and moving on is different from them.

In fact, he remarked, “A man wants to marry a woman who loves him more than he loves her.”

Me: “What?!”

“Because a guy is anticipating messing up.” And as women, if we love…we’re loyal enough to overlook it or forgive.

What is your true definition of love?

Your thoughts?

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Enjoy your weekend!

S.C “TheGirl” Rhyne

Turning The Page

What do we do when we want to see what happens next?

We turn the page…itching to get the ending of “a happily ever after” or dare I say: closure?

A few days ago, I had an impromptu phone call with a gentleman whom I dated. We were bantering a bit, and I mentioned that I was blogging a dramatical series about Jon*. After he took a look he said, “You know, I’m sorry for the way things ended between us.”

I was surprised he said that! I was not expecting any type of apology, especially from him. For the record, things ended badly between us–We both (or so I thought) liked each other very much– however I went to the hospital and when I came home he did not come to see me. So I took that as a major, “I don’t care about you, the way you care about me” RED Flag (I’m seeing those flags loud and clear now) and called it off.

I went through a milder grieving process. I was sad and very lonely– and at times upset. However, I couldn’t be upset at him because you can’t MAKE someone care about you despite your willingness to go to the ends of the Earth for him/her; but I blamed myself since I allowed my naive heart to care and love him so deeply. Now I sometimes wonder how did I fall for someone so selfish and inconsiderate?

After I hung up, I had to shake my head. At the end of our relationship, I had turned the pages obsessively searching for the ending that would give me peace of mind. Until I finally realized that I needed to write my own ending and give myself closure.

At the end of a painful breakup, we sometimes demand to have the last word or receive an apology–something that supposedly will help us move on. Does it really help or does it make you dwell on the pain more? Does hearing the truth finally set you free?

Well, before it came to the phone call– he did text me vaguely stating that if I wanted to talk, he would be open to it.  And it was very tempting to respond back if only the memories of hearing the post-break up truth didn’t haunt me (Check out Ch. 15 if you don’t remember).

Meeting Jon for lunch that day, I thought we would both get some kind of closure but instead he berated me and gloated about how much better off he is now that he doesn’t have to consider a relationship with me; how glad he doesn’t have to go down that route. The post-breakup truth may not set you free, but like me, may make you feel more guilt and agnst.

Now, this guy on the phone offers a vague apologetic-sentiment about feeling bad on how things ended and missing being able to talk to someone about the things that make him weird.

Ladies and Gents, this is isn’t closure. It’s not even a real apology.

At least not for me, but maybe for him. Perhaps he felt that by expressing his “feeling bad” about the break up (without specifically stating why we broke up–i.e why I wasn’t there for you) is enough for him to get closure and get something off his chest. For me, I saw a level of immaturity and self-centeredness that is pervasive enough to blind him from seeing the real problem.

Despite the fact that he let me down, I do not resent him and in general you can’t resent someone who doesn’t learn from past experiences. They are doomed to repeat the same mistakes with a different person through their own ignorance, not yours. Thus, you cannot expect an ignorant person to give you closure so you can move on. You need to do that for yourself.

In summary, hearing his “apology” did not bring closure. If you’re still turning the pages to find that heart-warming ending, you may be surprised to find a half-assed sentiment that makes that person feel better than you. And hearing their true feelings can set you back.

So when you stop look for those magical words — write your own ending:

“She lied and and cheated. Someone like that will never be happy with what they have. No matter how much you give.”

“He’s a deusch, he’d rather snort coke and smoke with his friends than help me/stay with me.”

And then you can move on a little easier.

And when turning the page isn’t enough –you just gotta close the book on it.

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© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne