Tag Archives: moving on

the writing process, debut novel, the reporter and the girl, jon and sabrien, nyc reporter, publishing, self-publishing

Publishing is Hard…

What, it’s September already!

Yep, it seemed like just a few weeks ago, I posted on this blog for any freelance editors to take a look at my manuscript. After self-editing and making last minute changes, I turned it over to Jesse Rebock, for round one of professional assessment.

I twiddled my thumbs while I went through waves of worry and excitement. When I received the corrections back, I realized that I had a bit more work to do. But now it’s up for round two and I feel more confident, although self-conscious because you never know what someone will say. And my fingernails haven’t grown this summer from all the anticipation.

But its a learning process. As you can see, I use comas now instead of semi-colons. I know the difference between “lie” and “lay” and I still start my sentences with “and” and “but”. But I’m learning more about writing and the industry.

Last week, I made a decision on a book cover that I can’t wait to unveil to you all. And I’m looking for bloggers, reviewers, and writers who are interested in doing a review.

This summer has come and gone with me mainly being at the computer. Between reading, writing, and my building my kitchen, I have been very distracted from thinking about…you know. In the Spring, I didn’t think I could survive this summer hopping around the train and walking around downtown without memories surging. But I I solved that by living at my desk and spending a portion of it out of town.

This weekend some of you will be with friends and families enjoying various festivities, or enjoying your “quiet time”. The new season is hanging in the air, and soon we will turn a new leaf. I hope you guys will be turning that leaf with me, as October will mark my one year blog-iversary and all the changes in my life that came with it. All the people who have come and gone: and the ones that stayed to tough it out with me.

Because I’ve learned to share something pretty important.

I hope you all with tough it out with me too!

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin’ to borrow money. I’ve always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.
–Richard Pryor

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breaking up, getting back together, ex, interracial dating, relationships, Jon and Sabine dating, The Reporter and The Girl, moving on, hard letting go

Guest Post: 5 Reasons Your Relationship With Your Ex Was Not As Great As You Think

By Kevin

Do you ever regret breaking up with your ex? Do you think the relationship with your ex was amazing and you messed it up?

If so, you are probably not thinking things thoroughly. Here is a list of reasons why your relationship with your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend was not as great as you think.

1. Emotions

Break-ups can really mess up your mind. You are feeling emotions left and right and it seems the easy way to stop feeling these emotions is to get back with your ex. You start trying to convince yourself that your relationship was pretty good and getting back together will be a good idea. But in reality, you are just trying to avoid the break-up pain and the grieving by going back to a relationship that gave you this pain in the first place. Studies have shown that breakup pain is very real, and your mind will try to avoid this pain at any cost; even if it means getting back into a bad relationship.

2. You Are Just Lonely

After a long day at work, you come home, you eat your dinner alone and you go to bed alone. While lying down in bed, you start remembering your ex. You start remembering the things you loved about your ex. How they cooked chili for you and watched those movies with you. How they cuddled you in bed and whispered good night in your ear. How they kissed you every morning before you went to work. And all this suddenly makes you feel that your relationship with your ex was pretty good. Actually, the thing that you really miss is a relationship, not your ex. And it’s completely OK to want a relationship, as long as you don’t return to a bad one.

3. Investment

You know how some people stay in a bad relationship just because they’ve already invested a lot of time in it? It’s hard to give up on something you’ve already put so much time and effort in. If your relationship with your ex lasted for a long time, you’ve probably made a lot of sacrifices, put in a lot of effort and gone through a lot together. After a break-up, it seems easier to continue that relationship instead of doing everything again. You try to convince yourself that because you’ve invested so much in the relationship, it must be worth holding on to. But in reality, it’s nothing like that. If you think about it, the relationship didn’t work even after you made so much investment. And that just means your relationship was broken.

4.Beliefs

After a failed relationship, your faith in the opposite sex and relationships in general tends to shake a bit. You start feeling like there is no one better than your ex out there. You start ignoring all the bad things about your ex and start concentrating on the good things. You try to convince yourself that he or she is more suitable to you than the rest of the world. This happens usually after a bad date: you meet someone who is completely out of whack, and you can’t help thinking about how great your relationship was with your ex-partner. But in reality, you are just convincing yourself to settle for someone who is less than what you deserve. There are tons of people out there who are much more suitable for you than your ex; you just haven’t met them yet. And when you do, you will realize that she or he was not the only one for you.

5. You Broke Up

You started a relationship with him or her. You loved, laughed, had great time together, fought, worked on your relationship, and tried to solve your problems. All these things are normal in any good relationship. But in the end, for whatever reasons, you broke up. That alone should be enough to realize that your relationship was broken; because if there wasn’t something majorly wrong with your relationship, you wouldn’t have broken up. If you think that you broke up because of a reason that is not a big deal, then you are kidding yourself. If you could’ve fixed it, you wouldn’t have broken up.

Kevin writes about breakups and getting your ex back at unbreakup.org. Thinking about getting back together with your ex? Make sure you read this first.

Follow Kevin more articles on break ups and moving on at:

http://www.facebook.com/kevin.breakups

Tweet him at
https://twitter.com/thompkevin123 (@thompkevin123)

And the heart grows….Stronger

Forgive me because I’m using an iPad for the first time, as I do not have access to a computer.

Happy Independence Day weekend to my fellow BBQ-ing Americans. If you have a life then you’re probably not sitting around reading my post (and if you are, well I’m writing it, so that makes me….) but I still love you all!

Love.

Defined as a sensation by many
Instilled as expectations long ago
Internal? Otherwise fatherly/motherly
Arriving on a whim when the right person appears
Expecting a feeling to erase all our unspoken fears
Emotionally, physically, magically, spontaneously degenerates
As easy as you fell in
Spontaneously, magically fall out
Hocus pocus when the pixie dust is gone
there appears all the wrongs
Slight of hand slight of heart
Tremendous hopes and expectations
Consequence of your heart’s misconception
Is that the love you have for me?
Shallow as your eyes can see?
My love deeper and lasting
Your goodness appreciating
My love is a choice (first)
Dealing for better or worst
Focus rooted in the good in you
Meaning
Investing in you part of me giving
In the emotional times when we are low
Indecision to stay or go
In at its lowest always grow
Looking for the good in you
Loving you as God intended
This is not a magical feeling
Or whimsical affection
It did not just happen
Created over time without ballooning expectation
How can I so easily say…still
Because my love is not a feeling nor a magic sensation
It is loves true definition
Of you to me

By NLJ

So these are honest words written by a man who is also learning about love’s true meaning. I was talking with the poet about the changes he experienced after the dissolution of his marriage. He doesn’t hate his ex, he wishes the best for her; forgives her and is living in a new chapter. And the reason he is able to turn the page, is because he is experiencing love’s true meaning.

Because when you have love, you can’t hate the people who wronged you. Even those who betrayed your deepest trust. I know this is true, because the opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference. It’s when you can truly forgive that person, you can move on.

Though the circumstances are different, I wonder why I seem to have trouble with that last step of forgiving and moving on? Everyday, things are getting better and I try to stay positive and appreciate things more; little things no longer seem little -like someone smiling or saying “Good morning” to you. But I can’t help waving from blame to disappointment or anger over the way Jon exploited me.

And other times he doesn’t cross my mind, or I don’t feel anything when I think of him. I don’t want to date again despite everyone else telling me to…and even trying to hook me up (that’s a post for next week); but it’s hard forgiving someone who callously uses others for his own benefit.

But all in good time. Moving on is different for everyone, and the steps aren’t laid out like a map.

One year ago this month, I experienced something that I never felt. I was in love: meaning that for first time I gave love and saw someone in his purest form and I still loved him. And it takes courage and inner strength to give that to someone. Especially someone who may not deserve it.

Now I’m not with that person, not because I stopped loving him; but because I realize that he did not feel the same way or is unwilling to give back. Thus he would hurt me more if I stayed. My love has changed over the course of time, and it may not go away.

Maybe for men it’s different. And I would like to hear more from male readers. Even though the poet and I talked on legnth about this topic, I know men are wired differently and may not experience the same love in every relationship and moving on is different from them.

In fact, he remarked, “A man wants to marry a woman who loves him more than he loves her.”

Me: “What?!”

“Because a guy is anticipating messing up.” And as women, if we love…we’re loyal enough to overlook it or forgive.

What is your true definition of love?

Your thoughts?

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Enjoy your weekend!

S.C “TheGirl” Rhyne

Turning The Page

What do we do when we want to see what happens next?

We turn the page…itching to get the ending of “a happily ever after” or dare I say: closure?

A few days ago, I had an impromptu phone call with a gentleman whom I dated. We were bantering a bit, and I mentioned that I was blogging a dramatical series about Jon*. After he took a look he said, “You know, I’m sorry for the way things ended between us.”

I was surprised he said that! I was not expecting any type of apology, especially from him. For the record, things ended badly between us–We both (or so I thought) liked each other very much– however I went to the hospital and when I came home he did not come to see me. So I took that as a major, “I don’t care about you, the way you care about me” RED Flag (I’m seeing those flags loud and clear now) and called it off.

I went through a milder grieving process. I was sad and very lonely– and at times upset. However, I couldn’t be upset at him because you can’t MAKE someone care about you despite your willingness to go to the ends of the Earth for him/her; but I blamed myself since I allowed my naive heart to care and love him so deeply. Now I sometimes wonder how did I fall for someone so selfish and inconsiderate?

After I hung up, I had to shake my head. At the end of our relationship, I had turned the pages obsessively searching for the ending that would give me peace of mind. Until I finally realized that I needed to write my own ending and give myself closure.

At the end of a painful breakup, we sometimes demand to have the last word or receive an apology–something that supposedly will help us move on. Does it really help or does it make you dwell on the pain more? Does hearing the truth finally set you free?

Well, before it came to the phone call– he did text me vaguely stating that if I wanted to talk, he would be open to it.  And it was very tempting to respond back if only the memories of hearing the post-break up truth didn’t haunt me (Check out Ch. 15 if you don’t remember).

Meeting Jon for lunch that day, I thought we would both get some kind of closure but instead he berated me and gloated about how much better off he is now that he doesn’t have to consider a relationship with me; how glad he doesn’t have to go down that route. The post-breakup truth may not set you free, but like me, may make you feel more guilt and agnst.

Now, this guy on the phone offers a vague apologetic-sentiment about feeling bad on how things ended and missing being able to talk to someone about the things that make him weird.

Ladies and Gents, this is isn’t closure. It’s not even a real apology.

At least not for me, but maybe for him. Perhaps he felt that by expressing his “feeling bad” about the break up (without specifically stating why we broke up–i.e why I wasn’t there for you) is enough for him to get closure and get something off his chest. For me, I saw a level of immaturity and self-centeredness that is pervasive enough to blind him from seeing the real problem.

Despite the fact that he let me down, I do not resent him and in general you can’t resent someone who doesn’t learn from past experiences. They are doomed to repeat the same mistakes with a different person through their own ignorance, not yours. Thus, you cannot expect an ignorant person to give you closure so you can move on. You need to do that for yourself.

In summary, hearing his “apology” did not bring closure. If you’re still turning the pages to find that heart-warming ending, you may be surprised to find a half-assed sentiment that makes that person feel better than you. And hearing their true feelings can set you back.

So when you stop look for those magical words — write your own ending:

“She lied and and cheated. Someone like that will never be happy with what they have. No matter how much you give.”

“He’s a deusch, he’d rather snort coke and smoke with his friends than help me/stay with me.”

And then you can move on a little easier.

And when turning the page isn’t enough –you just gotta close the book on it.

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© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Best Kept Secret in Weightloss

I wrote an article as a guest contributor to The Sexy Single Mommys blog:

Enjoy reading!

BEST KEPT SECRET IN WEIGHT LOSS?

Here are a few key points about having a mutually healthy and beneficial relationship….

TheSexySingleMommy.net

no superman, sketch!bravo, interracial couple, blog, romance, relationship problems, true story, reporter and the girl, blovel, break ups, moving on, losing someone you love

Chapter 13: Quiet….It’s a Breakdown not a Breakup

“AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!”

**sniffs**  **sniffs**  **sniffs**

I can’t write this in a way that doesn’t sound cute. The story of a poor brokenhearted girl who loses someone that meant everything plus the world to her.

If only it were that simple. For as much as I prepared myself for this day; you’re never fully prepared to lose yourself.

First.

You lose sleep.

From the night that I drove from Jon’s apartment, waking up at 3 am (the witching hour) and up at 5am to get a miserable summer’s day started; is norm. 2-3 hours of straight sleep is a godsend. Even on weekends and holidays: I watched the sunrise from my bed.

Second.

You lose your appetite.

I’m pretty sure that night I was able to stomache a glass of wine, but the next morning and days ahead, I carried a water bottle around as that was all I could handle. In the mornings, I could have toasted bread, and maybe in the evenings a handful of nuts or crackers. Yogurt, milk or anything too rich or heavy was too much. I probably didn’t grocery shop for about a month.

Third.

You lose a sense of purpose.

I don’t know if it made it better or worse, but I had some time off when Jon and I broke it off. Maybe worse, because at least at work I would have something to do and keep my mind off of it. But at home, I didn’t see the point of going through another day. I had some events and stuff with friends but the days and hours between them were menacingly slow.  And all I could think about was the hurt.

It’s a weird pain, it doesn’t burn like being cut open, and it isn’t sharp like the feel of freshly broken flesh. It’s a dull ache that sits in the pit of your gut, and it’s very heavy; so it holds you down and you’re unable to move quickly enough from the dark thoughts that haunt you around every corner.

And its at this point when you know you’re at your wits end because now what have affected you psychologically is also affecting you physically (or vice versa) and it has consumed you whole and left you falling down a dark bottomless pit.

Fourth.

You lose your mind.

The truth is that your mind was probably already lost from the beginning. However, mindless, you don’t realize it until your thoughts and actions are centered on him/her. You can’t think or do anything without the person pulling at your strings. When you lose your mind you lose yourself.

I was no longer thinking about myself, I was thinking about Jon around the clock, and I knew (from what I read) this was normal at first. I replayed the phone conversation over and over; and like a recovering alcoholic; suddenly blacked out pieces were starting to form in my mind that I may not have heard or put much weight on at the time.

Wait a minute? Did he really say, “I don’t wanna stop hanging out, I just need more–”

“Hey, Lance…I was seeing this guy and this is how it went down…” I explained, “He looked so solemn when I went to his apt. his voice sounded ok, but his face was serious and calm. I’ve never seen him like before.

“Did I do the right thing?”

I still don’t have that answer. My girlfriend said, “Yes, he wanted to still hang out for the sex.”  And my guy friend said, “He probably doesn’t know how to express himself. He’s barely 25, and has the emotional state of a 17 year old.”

So now completely besides myself in guilt and angst I remember that his moving date was coming up, and that I would call a few days after he had settled to see how he was and hopefully that would signal we could be on friendly terms. It didn’t fully dawn on me that Jon would be mad or upset over breaking things off. Why would he be angry? He didn’t want to be with me? It really was his choice or ultimatum, I never asked him to choose to see me exclusively.

What if he doesn’t want to talk to me ever again? Some people do hold grudges, especially if they perceived themselves as being wronged. Did I wrong him or did he wrong me? As a functioning zombie going through lots of talk therapy with friends, I realized how we both failed at communication and meeting each others’ expectations. Not to mention our insecurities getting in the way.

So, after hurling my first decent meal I picked up the phone and called him. I left a message. And eventually went to sleep.

By midday the next day, I realized that I needed closure, and thought that even if Jon was upset or wanted nothing to do with me; I had to be ok with that. Was he trying to send a message that I wasn’t worth speaking to, even though I just wanted to see if everything was ok, still be on friendly terms? I guess the transition to friendship was too unrealistic.  So I sent what I thought would be my last (and most regrettable) text:

Hey Jon, I guess by ignoring me, you wanted me to feel low? Point taken. I was reaching out to the friend I thought I had in you. I didn’t think that when you broke up with me that we caste each other out of our lives.

And that was it. I went for a walk, chatted with friends, made plans. I had a cooking demo at my house (one of the last plans I made to do with Jon) that night, and went to bed feeling like it was over, finally over.

And as I closed my eyes, I imagined myself getting into the relationship mobile Jon, and gunning down the highway into the Rabbithole to an unfamiliar place. The steep curves and hills, are little more pronounced and the warning signs are now clearer. As a passenger in this vehicle, I may have anticipated that the straight and narrow road we were on may have been deceiving; after all I was probably more prepared than he was to break things off, rather than stay and make it work.

Did he really not see it coming?

Ch 14. The Long Road Ahead

Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne