Tag Archives: post break up

Turning The Page

What do we do when we want to see what happens next?

We turn the page…itching to get the ending of “a happily ever after” or dare I say: closure?

A few days ago, I had an impromptu phone call with a gentleman whom I dated. We were bantering a bit, and I mentioned that I was blogging a dramatical series about Jon*. After he took a look he said, “You know, I’m sorry for the way things ended between us.”

I was surprised he said that! I was not expecting any type of apology, especially from him. For the record, things ended badly between us–We both (or so I thought) liked each other very much– however I went to the hospital and when I came home he did not come to see me. So I took that as a major, “I don’t care about you, the way you care about me” RED Flag (I’m seeing those flags loud and clear now) and called it off.

I went through a milder grieving process. I was sad and very lonely– and at times upset. However, I couldn’t be upset at him because you can’t MAKE someone care about you despite your willingness to go to the ends of the Earth for him/her; but I blamed myself since I allowed my naive heart to care and love him so deeply. Now I sometimes wonder how did I fall for someone so selfish and inconsiderate?

After I hung up, I had to shake my head. At the end of our relationship, I had turned the pages obsessively searching for the ending that would give me peace of mind. Until I finally realized that I needed to write my own ending and give myself closure.

At the end of a painful breakup, we sometimes demand to have the last word or receive an apology–something that supposedly will help us move on. Does it really help or does it make you dwell on the pain more? Does hearing the truth finally set you free?

Well, before it came to the phone call– he did text me vaguely stating that if I wanted to talk, he would be open to it.  And it was very tempting to respond back if only the memories of hearing the post-break up truth didn’t haunt me (Check out Ch. 15 if you don’t remember).

Meeting Jon for lunch that day, I thought we would both get some kind of closure but instead he berated me and gloated about how much better off he is now that he doesn’t have to consider a relationship with me; how glad he doesn’t have to go down that route. The post-breakup truth may not set you free, but like me, may make you feel more guilt and agnst.

Now, this guy on the phone offers a vague apologetic-sentiment about feeling bad on how things ended and missing being able to talk to someone about the things that make him weird.

Ladies and Gents, this is isn’t closure. It’s not even a real apology.

At least not for me, but maybe for him. Perhaps he felt that by expressing his “feeling bad” about the break up (without specifically stating why we broke up–i.e why I wasn’t there for you) is enough for him to get closure and get something off his chest. For me, I saw a level of immaturity and self-centeredness that is pervasive enough to blind him from seeing the real problem.

Despite the fact that he let me down, I do not resent him and in general you can’t resent someone who doesn’t learn from past experiences. They are doomed to repeat the same mistakes with a different person through their own ignorance, not yours. Thus, you cannot expect an ignorant person to give you closure so you can move on. You need to do that for yourself.

In summary, hearing his “apology” did not bring closure. If you’re still turning the pages to find that heart-warming ending, you may be surprised to find a half-assed sentiment that makes that person feel better than you. And hearing their true feelings can set you back.

So when you stop look for those magical words — write your own ending:

“She lied and and cheated. Someone like that will never be happy with what they have. No matter how much you give.”

“He’s a deusch, he’d rather snort coke and smoke with his friends than help me/stay with me.”

And then you can move on a little easier.

And when turning the page isn’t enough –you just gotta close the book on it.

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© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Chapter 16: Frenemies

Thump-Thump

Thump-Thump

Thump-Thump

Thump-Thump

Breathe…..Breathe…..

I’m just calling a friend…in 30 minutes

In 20 minutes

In 10 minutes

In 5 minutes

In 2 minutes

Right Now…after these commercials break, and trip to the kitchen…

2 minutes ago…

5 minutes ago….

7 minutes ago…

“Hey, What’s up?!” I asked cheerfully.

“Nothing much…just waiting for food…” Jon responded.

“OK, yeah sorry about yesterday…I know it was last minute, I should’ve invited you earlier.”

A friend and I decided to go see a movie, but by the time I remembered Jon and texted him inviting him to the group; it was a few hours before start time, and apparently like everyone else close to the heart of Manhattan he didn’t like having to travel to the outer boroughs on short notice. The borough of TheGirl.

It wasn’t his stated reason for declining, but I just assume so…knowing that he is a home body.

“Hey so am watching this show called Family Guy, uh—have you heard of it?” I began.

“Of course I’ve fucking heard of it…who in the hell have not fucking heard of Family Guy!?” He exclaimed.

I was caught off guard, not because he heard of the show…its seems that when I asked — he’s heard of something; and when I don’t ask, he’s never heard of that thing. But it was the fact that he’s dropping F- bombs all over the place now.

I hadn’t heard him speak this way since…before we first met

Well, who am I to say anything, he’s no longer with me…in fact, over lunch yesterday, he accused me of trying to change him because I didn’t like the foul language. Strange, but when things were going well in the beginning, he thanked me for making him a better person.

I guess I’m one of the guys now, I thought.

So I mirrored him and laughed off his crude jokes and dropped two F bombs for everyone that he threw at me.

But I really was trying to get to know him as a person, so I asked as many questions about him as I thought I could…

I guess he could sense me poking and prodding too deeply, because he remarked, “You know Sabrien, I hanging out with interesting people….”

I’m not interesting?

“Well, what do you know about me that is interesting?” I asked.

“I don’t know…other than…the sex was interesting” He replied.

“So not that I’ve traveled to Asia and speak some Chinese, while you mockingly repeat one sentence in bastardized Japanese?” I asked.

Seriously, he was the typical White American, who knew one language, had never been out of the country, unless you count that cruise he went on with his parents…am I really not cultured because I don’t watch Star Wars or Battlestar Galactica and drink beverages blended half with milk and ice cream?

“Oh and a few months ago, I received the Medal of Honor from the state” I interjected…I suddenly remembered that thing in a box somewhere in one my kitchen drawers.

“Wait- you” He began.

But I heard a loud click and the call ended.

I called back, he didn’t answer, I couldn’t remember if it went straight to voicemail or if it rang a bit.

But several minutes later he called.

“I dropped my phone, and the battery fell out, so I had to replace it with a new one.” He explained.

“Oohhhh…I was a little sad there, thinking you hung up because of something I said…” I retorted sarcastically.

“Don’t worry I just dropped it by accident, don’t get paranoid thinking I hung up on you. Now what’s this about a medal?” He said.

I explain my nonmilitary-noncombat honor.

“Oh OK” He replied

I’m not sure what he thought that I was alluding to, but he seemed to have calmed down.

And it was in that calm, that I felt my struggles in vain. I didn’t really feel like we were having a friendly chat, I was asking questions and genuinely trying to know him better, but he was resisting, or maybe I wasn’t asking the right questions.

“Any plans for Labor Day?” I asked.

“No, just gonna chill out and smoke some weed” He said

Maybe I offered, but we agreed to hang out and I’d come and see his new place at the end of the weekend.

*****

The next night, I called Jon and he answered with an even more obnoxious greeting than in The Snob:

“YYyyyooooooo, My nigger! What’s up?!?! Gonna tap some of that shit tonight and inhale this Chinese Kung Pao shit!”

OK, honestly it sounded like muffled heavy metal music, I’m not even sure what he said after “What’s Up” I don’t even want to be sure of what he said beforehand.

“Wait, what did you just say?” I asked honestly.

“Nothing, I asked ‘What’s Up.’” He answered in his completely normal speaking manner.

After about 30 minutes of forcing “friendly conversation” I guess the jig was up. He probably knew what I was trying to do, but could see right through it. He hastily dropped the conversation. “I’ll see you on Monday” He said and hung up.

I was trying to ignore this nagging voice, cover it up with my feelings. But this time the voice, the red flag was too loud to ignore.

Does he hate me?

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

ch14

Chapter 14: Long Road Ahead

It’s dark and silent.

Even with my window curtain and panel opened to bring in as much August air, my room is surprisingly dark and quiet for a summer’s night in New York City. The street lights are an orange glow that seem to dim rather than saturate my room; and the neighborhood kids must have decided to turn in early.

Its Quiet.

Or maybe I fell too far down that hole again.

The car, the date, his lips, his words, but I can’t see his face. I’m in the car, he drives we hold hands, we’re going on a date; I said “So you think this is a date?”

The crash.

We crashed. He drove too fast. I held his hand, and he couldn’t—-

RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wake up, to remember its Wednesday night.

Nine days ago, I told a guy that I really liked and deeply cared for that I was going speed dating to meet other single Men; in hopes that he would convince me not to…because we were an item, –because he felt things that I felt, but could not describe.

But instead he wanted to come too. So we broke things off. He changed his mind about speed dating.

This morning I sent him a text and thought that would be the last I ever talked to him, because he was too angry to speak to me.

Now he calls, and I shakily answered the phone…reminding myself I had to be strong, that I had my time to grieve and let everything out and Jon didn’t. That I was going to be an emotional punching bag for this boy that is emotional unstable. And I could dish it. Anyway, hadn’t I asked for this? For Jon to reach out to me no matter state he was in…what piece of work I…

Hello?” I said cautiously.

Hi Sabrien, Its Jon….I’m sorry for calling so late, I was out drinking with my friends…got a little drunk”

Crap.

Are you drunk now? Where are you, are you safe?” I asked.

Yeh yeh..you know it doesn’t take much with me, I’m by the train station….look I got your message, I wasn’t trying to ignore you Sabrien….so busy” says Jon.

Ohhh…its ok, I guess I just felt, um —as long you’re ok” I replied.

I know you were wishing me well with the move and everything which seemed like a good reason on your part to call…..” He continued.

My stomach knotted

I really was concerned, cause he asked for my help and I agreed, until….I wish I had called earlier maybe I still could have came to help. But I didn’t…..

But my dad came. Its fine here, except for a neighbor that….” Jon continued.

I was boderlining between joy, elation, frustration, and sadness. I was extremely happy and sad to hear his voice, though heavily inebriated; and frustrated and elated that even though we exchanged a brief banter….it was too thin to be veiled like “old times.” Our cracked and fatigued voices, begged for answers. I desperately wanted to forget last week and just pick –

Please don’t think I’m ignoring you, I had a ten hour day and I just wanted to sleep last night-” He whimpered.

“HOW COULD YOU SAY I BROKE UP WITH YOU?!?! I NEVER WANTED TO STOP SEEING YOU!!!…. I MISS YOU SABRIEN, I MISS YOU! I don’t hate you… I’m fond of you, SO VERY FOND OF YOU!….” Jon screamed into his phone.

Umm…

I now was off the fence and thrown into complete shock by his outburst. It was out of character, even for the boy that I labeled an unstable emotionally immature lonely drug addict (In case you missed that chapter), to just “lose it.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were hurt, you seem ok…and I reached out” I stammered.


I’M

NOT

HURT?!!

YOU think I’m NOT emotionally wounded?! I AM, SO THERE! YOU WOUNDED ME!” He retorted.


I’m sorry Jon, I wasn’t trying to do that…I don’t know, I never wanted to break up, I like you too. So much more than you understood.” I pleaded.

It was true….sober or drunk I don’t think Jon would have ever understood how much I cared about him. Its too deep, not even I understood the roots of the being that grew to consume me mind, body and soul. I’d give up any one of those for him.

NO! You were just using me!! And you were MAD at me!!!” He accused.


“I don’t- using you for what?” I asked. Really tell me.


“I don’t know.” He answered.


“Jon, I did care…I even paid your parking ticket for you, without telling you and…” I tried to explain.


“THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME!!!!!” I could imagine him sitting outside the subway station, yelling his soul over the cell phone as onlookers distanced themselves warily from him.

NOTHING!!! I JUST WANT YOUR BODY….YOUR BODY!!!” He continued.


“How many other men have you had sex with? YOU’RE INEXPERIENCED, and kept joking about how young I was and how you were going to jail, TELL ME HOW MANY? DID YOU ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH THEM, SABRIEN?!? YOU HATED IT WITH ME!!!” He demanded.


“Look everyone’s experience is different….not about being inexperienced…..What happened between us is no one’s fault. Its about our feelings, they didn’t match up we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Its not about wrong or right or who to blame. We just felt differently about each other. And that’s ok” I replied, almost a little too mechanically as it was one of the lines I remembered from a break-up advice site. I felt it was true, or at least I could believe it…that in the end maybe Jon didn’t feel the same way and I got —


“YOU SEE! YOU
DON’T GET IT SABRIEN!!!! THERE IS BLAME!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU’RE THE BLAME!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT I DON’T FEEL ABOUT YOU THE WAY YOU WANTED TOO!”

I won’t bore you with all 90 minutes of this conversation, I’m not sure if the snippets are in order. But the last thing I said to him in a very tearful way, was that I tried really really hard to show my true feelings for him and reassure him that I liked him, and I was sorry that he couldn’t see it.

And hung up.

I texted him again apologizing for anything insensitive that may have occurred.

Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.

A quiet night shattered by a crash.

Ch. 15 Truth and Reckoning

I’m not interested in that Sabrien”

For a moment, I thought I was looking at the face of another man. He did not possess the boyish good looks or charm that mesmerized me. As he shoved down his food, me still having no appetite, I realized what had changed. He was revealing himself to me, his truth. And it was ugly. Jon repulsed me.

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

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Longer Preview to Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Quiet…Its a Breakdown not a Breakup details a sudden and dramatic turn of events in Jon and Sabrien’s relationship. A once bright golden couple filled with laughter and shriek, is dark and silent.

Chapter 13 will post Friday 1/18. In the meantime please enjoy the longer preview:

Hey Jon, I guess by ignoring me, you wanted me to feel low? Point taken. I was reaching out to the friend I thought I had in you. I didn’t think that when you broke up with me that we caste each other out of our lives…..

Tune in 1/18/2013

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