Chapter 14: Long Road Ahead

ch14

It’s dark and silent.

Even with my window curtain and panel opened to bring in as much August air, my room is surprisingly dark and quiet for a summer’s night in New York City. The street lights are an orange glow that seem to dim rather than saturate my room; and the neighborhood kids must have decided to turn in early.

Its Quiet.

Or maybe I fell too far down that hole again.

The car, the date, his lips, his words, but I can’t see his face. I’m in the car, he drives we hold hands, we’re going on a date; I said “So you think this is a date?”

The crash.

We crashed. He drove too fast. I held his hand, and he couldn’t—-

RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wake up, to remember its Wednesday night.

Nine days ago, I told a guy that I really liked and deeply cared for that I was going speed dating to meet other single Men; in hopes that he would convince me not to…because we were an item, –because he felt things that I felt, but could not describe.

But instead he wanted to come too. So we broke things off. He changed his mind about speed dating.

This morning I sent him a text and thought that would be the last I ever talked to him, because he was too angry to speak to me.

Now he calls, and I shakily answered the phone…reminding myself I had to be strong, that I had my time to grieve and let everything out and Jon didn’t. That I was going to be an emotional punching bag for this boy that is emotional unstable. And I could dish it. Anyway, hadn’t I asked for this? For Jon to reach out to me no matter state he was in…what piece of work I…

Hello?” I said cautiously.

Hi Sabrien, Its Jon….I’m sorry for calling so late, I was out drinking with my friends…got a little drunk”

Crap.

Are you drunk now? Where are you, are you safe?” I asked.

Yeh yeh..you know it doesn’t take much with me, I’m by the train station….look I got your message, I wasn’t trying to ignore you Sabrien….so busy” says Jon.

Ohhh…its ok, I guess I just felt, um —as long you’re ok” I replied.

I know you were wishing me well with the move and everything which seemed like a good reason on your part to call…..” He continued.

My stomach knotted

I really was concerned, cause he asked for my help and I agreed, until….I wish I had called earlier maybe I still could have came to help. But I didn’t…..

But my dad came. Its fine here, except for a neighbor that….” Jon continued.

I was boderlining between joy, elation, frustration, and sadness. I was extremely happy and sad to hear his voice, though heavily inebriated; and frustrated and elated that even though we exchanged a brief banter….it was too thin to be veiled like “old times.” Our cracked and fatigued voices, begged for answers. I desperately wanted to forget last week and just pick –

Please don’t think I’m ignoring you, I had a ten hour day and I just wanted to sleep last night-” He whimpered.

“HOW COULD YOU SAY I BROKE UP WITH YOU?!?! I NEVER WANTED TO STOP SEEING YOU!!!…. I MISS YOU SABRIEN, I MISS YOU! I don’t hate you… I’m fond of you, SO VERY FOND OF YOU!….” Jon screamed into his phone.

Umm…

I now was off the fence and thrown into complete shock by his outburst. It was out of character, even for the boy that I labeled an unstable emotionally immature lonely drug addict (In case you missed that chapter), to just “lose it.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that you were hurt, you seem ok…and I reached out” I stammered.


I’M

NOT

HURT?!!

YOU think I’m NOT emotionally wounded?! I AM, SO THERE! YOU WOUNDED ME!” He retorted.


I’m sorry Jon, I wasn’t trying to do that…I don’t know, I never wanted to break up, I like you too. So much more than you understood.” I pleaded.

It was true….sober or drunk I don’t think Jon would have ever understood how much I cared about him. Its too deep, not even I understood the roots of the being that grew to consume me mind, body and soul. I’d give up any one of those for him.

NO! You were just using me!! And you were MAD at me!!!” He accused.


“I don’t- using you for what?” I asked. Really tell me.


“I don’t know.” He answered.


“Jon, I did care…I even paid your parking ticket for you, without telling you and…” I tried to explain.


“THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME!!!!!” I could imagine him sitting outside the subway station, yelling his soul over the cell phone as onlookers distanced themselves warily from him.

NOTHING!!! I JUST WANT YOUR BODY….YOUR BODY!!!” He continued.


“How many other men have you had sex with? YOU’RE INEXPERIENCED, and kept joking about how young I was and how you were going to jail, TELL ME HOW MANY? DID YOU ENJOY HAVING SEX WITH THEM, SABRIEN?!? YOU HATED IT WITH ME!!!” He demanded.


“Look everyone’s experience is different….not about being inexperienced…..What happened between us is no one’s fault. Its about our feelings, they didn’t match up we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Its not about wrong or right or who to blame. We just felt differently about each other. And that’s ok” I replied, almost a little too mechanically as it was one of the lines I remembered from a break-up advice site. I felt it was true, or at least I could believe it…that in the end maybe Jon didn’t feel the same way and I got —


“YOU SEE! YOU
DON’T GET IT SABRIEN!!!! THERE IS BLAME!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU’RE THE BLAME!!! IT’S YOUR FAULT I DON’T FEEL ABOUT YOU THE WAY YOU WANTED TOO!”

I won’t bore you with all 90 minutes of this conversation, I’m not sure if the snippets are in order. But the last thing I said to him in a very tearful way, was that I tried really really hard to show my true feelings for him and reassure him that I liked him, and I was sorry that he couldn’t see it.

And hung up.

I texted him again apologizing for anything insensitive that may have occurred.

Now I’m guilty. Was it really my fault? Should I have been more affectionate, was I less concerned about his feelings? Maybe something I did selfishly? But he didn’t give me a chance. The guy is impatient and makes rash decisions. I wanted a chance to grow, know him better, and to make him happy. Maybe there is still a chance to grow and know each other better, but perhaps as friends.

A quiet night shattered by a crash.

Ch. 15 Truth and Reckoning

I’m not interested in that Sabrien”

For a moment, I thought I was looking at the face of another man. He did not possess the boyish good looks or charm that mesmerized me. As he shoved down his food, me still having no appetite, I realized what had changed. He was revealing himself to me, his truth. And it was ugly. Jon repulsed me.

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Chapter 10: Mesh

Something’s wrong…

No no, everything is perfect. Wrong and Perfect.

It’s a conflicting predicament; I can only describe as so. The last few weeks that I had been with Jon felt perfect. I knew since I first met him that we would get along well.

Now, is he everything that I dreamed of since I was little girl? No.

If I could describe and draw a picture of Mr. Perfect, would it look exactly like Jon? No.

No one is and I know that. However there is still something wrong, and I didn’t know if it was my inner cerebral cortex trying to send a message, but was getting skewed by millions of dopamine hormones rushing through my nerves. Or that something is not fitting together.

I never built a rapport with my past partner; in fact, with none of the guys that I had dated in the past. Usually because I was traveling (exchange student) or they were…so there wasn’t “a lot of time” to get to know each other or try to.

And I didn’t really try to.

Because I could usually tell by the first date, how “interested” I am. Jon is the first one that really caught my interest.

Yep, the first one I can truly say caught more than my interest. I was hooked like a fish. And just like a fish hooked on its last breath before the inevitable: I felt cold, scared, and uncertain by my unfamiliar predicament.

“Goodnight” I glowed as I bid him farewell at my doorway and watched him drive off in his SUV.

                                                                     ****

The next morning I had some field work to do, which involved presentations and meetings…so I turned my cell phone off, promising myself to remember to turn it on once I stepped into my office around mid-day.

I didn’t text Jon my usual “Good Morning” message, and with my phone off…I didn’t get his text nor call.

You see it was a coincidence — that this hectic day — which was also compounded by the last minute presentations I had to do once I arrived in the office, was the day after our first time.  So I simply forgot to turn my phone back on, at least until it almost quitting time.

But hey, better late than never. Right?

“Hey sweetheart, sorry I missed your messages earlier.” I say as innocently and gently as I can.

“Oh k, yea I called you earlier” He reiterates, very calmly and cool.

“Yeeehh, I was out in the field doing presentations, you know how that’s like…..” I quickly explained my day, “and after that as soon as I got back in the office, I had a last minute presentation to put together with my coworker….I didn’t even eat lunch….” using my exasperated voice.

“I’m so tired, I just want a glass of wine when I get home and to fall asleep in front of the TV” I finished.

And held my breath as I waited.

“Oh k, it sounds like you were really busy….there’s gonna be a house party a few apartments down from mine, I thought maybe you can come over and we can go check it out.”

And now breathe…..

“Oh I’m really beat tonight. Maybe another time, I just want to relax…..oh but I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, you should still go and have fun!”

Now smile Sabrien!

“Oh that’s ok, I’m not that interested…maybe you can come over…we don’t have to do anything, just chill.” He explained.

“Yeh sure, should I bring an overnight bag?”

“Its up to you” he said.

We bidded goodbye and hung up.

Its up to me?

This isn’t my apartment, I needed a clear invitation to come and spend the night and not have to truck back and forth three times between the boroughs in less than 16 hours. Especially on a work night…

After reaching my home and having dinner, I gave Jon another call.

“Hey, I’m about to leave, just wanted to see if you were home yet.”

“Yooo….come on over, I’m just chilling” he crooned.

Right.

“Ok sure, so you want me to spend the night?” I asked.

“Well, its up to you, whatever you want to do, or whatever easier….” He explained.

“Well, I thought you were inviting me…but…” I stammered. It wasn’t a yes or a no. So I figured if he really wanted me to stay, he would ask. And he didn’t. He didn’t even verbalize a clear answer when I asked.

So I assumed it was too early for us to have weekly sleepovers, and my toothbrush should stay set in my travel kit.

So I came over, san baggage, and was greeted with a hug and kiss at his doorway.

“Hey…where’s your stuff?” Jon asked.

I don’t remember if I felt surprised or just wary from having this conversation and still not getting a clear answer.

“Well, I didn’t bring it. I wasn’t sure….plus your bed is so small, where would I sleep?” I began to explain.

“Oh ok, its whatever, it’s up to you if you want to stay or not.” He said shrugging it off his shoulders, but yet it weighed heavily on mine.

For the first hour or so I watched TV, while he played with an online game. Then he crawled into the bed (with boxers) and coaxed me next to him.

This is nice. :-D

What I wanted…to just fall asleep beside him watching television. A glass of wine wouldn’t –

“Hey hey….” he whispered childishly as he fished for my left hand.

“What” I asked with raised eyebrows, I looked under the covers but everything was normal, I could see his stomach, boxers, and part of his right thigh. Is he hurt?

“Here…feel this” as he placed my hand in the middle of his crotch, where through an opening I could feel his penis starting to come alive.

I don’t know what set me off.

The fact that he didn’t want me to stay over, or didn’t want to come over to my place. Maybe I was still upset by the way he yelled at me the other night, or the fact that I told him I was tired and didn’t want to do anything but yet he lured me here…so he can…take advantage of me?! Use me?! It’s not even romantic! “Look look…feel here” as you force someone to grope you? Not even an offer of a massage on my tired shoulders or working feet to get me warmed up and into the mood?

“What the Hell is wrong with you?”

Funny. I could ask you the same thing.

Chapter 11: Still not Meshing

“Hhhmmmm…well I think it’s a practical solution for two people…”

“That’s not a good enough reason for me to be with you.”

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne

Chapter 9: A Super Man

Aaaahhhh……I rolled my shoulders to stretch out the kinks as I stood in front of my porcelain throne. I had only been gone a moment to use the bathroom, but when I came back into the room she was already on her feet with her purse on her shoulder waiting for me by the doorway.

“You’re leaving already?” I asked

“Yeah…it’s late and the trains are gonna go local, It’ll take me forever to get home…I’ll see you next week,” she stated a matter of factly.

“OK, I had a great time too” What the fuck? One minute she’s holding me in her arms and the next she’s out the door ?

Sabrien – “Do you want me to stay?”

“Oh if you got to go, you gotta go.” I shrugged it off, but truth is I was pissed that she would just leave like this. With a quick peck on the cheek and something she may have whispered she turned her back and soon I was alone in a dark apartment. Neil was gone for the weekend, and apparently so were my plans with her.

FUCK!!!

Since we had met I had been pouring my heart and soul out to her;

“I never felt this way before…”

“I can’t even look at another girl…”

She was tall, attractive, smart, and she knew the most about me than my prior girlfriends. Secrets that we both shared and she didn’t judge me for that!

Maybe she doesn’t like me, maybe I’m not the type of guy that she would have sex with? How could she just leave right when it was about to HAPPEN!!!!

I called her the next evening over the phone, it was casual banter, which at the time, just seemed like stupid shit! But then she started talking about how she feels…..she feels…. So I asked,

“Am I the type of guy that you would have sex with?”

And that was it. She started blurting out these nonsensical crazy things, about how other girls must have been really slutty if they wanted to sleep with me, and I could just jump on some bandwagon by myself if I wanted to, what the fuck?!?

So I’m not worth shit? I did all these things for you…the whole week I’ve been throwing myself at you, doing everything you say and you can’t see that I deserve something?

I was angry and frustrated. Very very frustrated. She practically abused my body and didn’t even give a second thought to how I’m feeling….it’s all about her stupid feelings!

I’m done with this. I’m done with this. I’m telling her I’m done with this. I should have seen this, she never called it a “date”; she doesn’t like making out with me. I’m done with her!

But I can’t say those words as I stare at her on the train station platform. In a cream dress with lace straps. She looks stand offish, but I come towards her and embrace her in a hug, and she returns it. It has a calming effect on us.

So we talk, but talking to Sabrien is like talking a computer. She just doesn’t fucking make sense or understand how shit works. How was she like with other guys?

“You never opened up in the past?” I inquired; surely she must have had 10 boyfriends by now.

“No didn’t have too…” she shrugged it off. You mean you didn’t care to, you just use men?

“Won’t you try? To open” I asked? Just be with me.

Sabrien – “Which one? Emotionally or Physically?”

I- “Both”

Sabrien – “I guess”

Fine. Maybe I need to try harder. To show her how to open up, I need to open her up. We hung out the rest of the night; she watched her Korean movies, while I played video games on my computer. Right.

So I waited and waited, she’s practically a virgin – I could show her the world.

In the afternoon I called her and instructed her to go straight home where I would meet her.

I was trying to be respectable and show her how much she can trust me and I can please her. We had already talked about waiting, but I felt like the reason she didn’t want to have sex with me was because she thought I couldn’t please her. So I asked, “Sabrien, tonight can I have you…In any way that I want?”

Is she hesitating?

“Yes” She replied.

I was nervous not because of performance anxiety but I wasn’t sure if she was fully consenting. So as I pinned her on the table, I threw the condoms by her head where she can see them, and slowly started with my fingers to make her wet.

From downstairs to upstairs, I began working on my dick and I couldn’t help but glance over.

Why is she just standing there, she could help out, you know?

“Get the condoms!” I said, I’m not sure if I had yelled that or not, but I could feel the weeks of building tension about to explode.

As I looked up I saw her slowly sorting through the colorful wrappers, talking incessantly about studded and magnums.

I fucking hate condoms. They are a necessary evil to wrap my dick; it completely destroys the principle of having sex.

“Just get me a condom, QUICK.” I said probably more fed-up.

She handed me a fistful of condoms and I slapped them down. “You gotta open it, first…why are you so dumb?!”

She doesn’t know anything about sex, I need foreplay and romance, and doing this by myself and she can’t even open the god damn wrapper!

I kneeled over her, and began with resistance to open her legs.

“Open your legs!” I demanded, as I used my own right leg to pin down her left leg and used my hand to hold the knee of her right.

Leaning in, it took a moment to …..find…..it. But then

Rhythm-Rhythm…

Rhythm-Rhythm…

Rhythm-Rhythm…

Slipped-out

“Why are you so tense?!” I asked. Why can’t she just fucking relax…..she doesn’t know how to have sex!!!

And it goes again:

Rhythm-Rhythm…

Rhythm-Rhythm…

Rhythm-Rhythm…

Rhythm-Rhythm…

I paced myself faster and faster, switching her over from her back to side as I could feel tension rising through my member. I gazed into her eyes, and I didn’t see pleasure just cold and emptiness staring back–not at me–just off somewhere. Occasionally, her mouth would twist or nose would crunch.

“UUuuuuuuuugggghhhhhhh!!!”

As I lay back, I could feel the euphoric vibes flow through me. The sweat glistened off my skin, the beat of the music from her iTunes playing, and—wait a minute–

“No, no, no don’t play with my dick,” I protested.

But she was still massaging my tired and emptied sac.

“No, I’m too sensitive….here come and cuddle with me,” I beckoned her. I wanted to give her a warm sense of intimacy and romance.

“Why?” Sabrien looked at me, confused and maybe…disappointed?

Tired, I only gestured with my hands, I know I have to explain a lot of things to her, but this can’t be one of them.

As I wrapped my arms, I could feel that her skin was actually very cool but soft. And her curly hair tickled my neck. But after a few short moments, she got up put her robe on and walked out on me. Again.

Leaving me alone, naked in a dark room as she did before. As I gathered my thoughts about what to do or say next…maybe ask her how she feels? My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Sabrien hollering at me from another room.

Hey, remember when you told me your mom had to have a C-section because she’s a little person?” she asked. I couldn’t see her, but I know by now, that she’s not joking when she just randomly brings up this shit.

“Yeh” I replied.

“Just to clarify were you using the colloquial term to refer to a genetic condition also known as Dwarfism or is she simply shorter than the average person?”
What the FUCK is wrong with this chick?

Chapter 10: Mesh

“Hhhmmmm…well I think it’s a practical solution for two people…”

“That’s not a good enough reason for me to be with you.”

Chapter 9: Superman
Chapter 9: A Super Man

© 2012 -2013 S. C Rhyne