Nice guys finish last not because they’re nice, but because they say they are

the reporter and the girl, wise before 25, nice guy, nice guys finish last, relationships, dating, interracial blog, WMBW

Our guest contributor this week is Eva Finn from WiseBefore25.com

Have you ever been in a position where your friends and family are telling you that you’re too picky and to lower your standards? Well, I get that a lot. Now you wouldn’t think jury duty would be a great opportunity to meet men, but I have a girlfriend who met her husband that way. So when I was asked to perform my civic duty, I thought I should at least be open (although I did bring a book and brace myself for a day of boredom).

When I reported to the waiting area (or the holding area, as I like to think of it), I assessed the seating situation and decided upon this table that looked more comfortable than the auditorium. A guy was sitting there, whom I really didn’t pay too much attention to at first. But he was ok-looking and seemed friendly enough, so instead of reading my awesome Gillian Flynn book, I started talking to him. Because, you see, I need to start recognizing who the nice guys are and start dating them. And he certainly had that “nice guy” a.k.a., geekish aura about him.

As we started to talk, I found out he lived in my neighborhood, had a fairly decent sense of humor and not too bad of a smile. And I even found myself considering the possibility of going out with him. Until he said, “Why is it that women only go for the bad boys?” I don’t remember having said anything to encourage this comment. I think I mentioned that I was writing a blog about the mistakes I made when I was younger, http://www.wisebefore25.com, and how I didn’t want younger women to make those same mistakes.

After this question, I’m feeling like I have to start defending the female race while also being turned off at his generalization and lack of confidence. Not that we’re the smartest, or at least, I’m not the smartest when it comes to men. “Well,” I found myself saying, “Not all women like bad boys. I think that the smart ones learn how tell the good from the bad and appreciate the qualities the good ones have.” He paused and unconvincingly responded, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

From there, things just went kind of downhill for me. The more I learned, the less interested I became. Like how he had to care for his elderly father three times a week and it was such a chore. And “even though it might sound kind of ghoulish,” he’d be moving into his dad’s place once he passed away. Or about the ex-wife he’s been separated from for 10 years “for financial reasons.” Or when I wanted to joke about the case when we went out for lunch, he replied, very seriously, “You know we’re not allowed to discuss this, right?” What a goofball.

Suffice it to say, another important thing to keep in mind, especially when you’re trying to be less picky, is that if a guy tells you he’s nice, it doesn’t necessarily mean he is. Oh, and he did ask for my number at the end of the day and if I would like to have a drink sometime.

I have a pair of underwear that says “In your dreams.” I find this philosophy applicable to many situations, especially this one.

Eva Finn
Writer and Creator of Wise Before 25, 50 Things Young Women Need to Know

http://www.WiseBefore25.com

http://www.Facebook/WiseBefore25.com

http://www.Twitter.com/WiseBefore25

119 thoughts on “Nice guys finish last not because they’re nice, but because they say they are

      1. You know, I don’t know about that…As I said, this guy had all the trappings and I was really going to go for it – except – he really wasn’t so nice when it came down to his values. I value my family and my friends and spending what little money I have on what makes me feel good. I didn’t mention in my post about how excited he was about the 2-4-1 special at Burger King and even though we were kind of in artsy neighborhood, he wanted to go there and ordered a Whopper AND a chicken something sandwich for himself! Thanks for your comment, but I still stick to my guns – there are nice guys but they’re not nice just because they say they are 🙂

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      2. I have a truly nice guy and he is the most wonderful man i have ever met. Nice guys do not finish last. This is coming from a girl who dated nothing but lead singers in bands. Yes we fight and yes i have vented on my blog but yes it is possible to get a truly nice guy. Hell I got mine. And he looks like a rockstar. He even has a good job as a sound engineer in television. I think you should maybe try and date guys you normally wouldn’t. I was friends with my boyfriend for 12 yrs before we started dating and now I wonder why the hell it took so long to find him. Sometimes it’s right in front of you. Maybe you have a guy friend that’s really into you and maybe if you give him a chance it could work. You never know till you try.

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      3. Yep, thanks for sharing your story! The point isn’t that “true” nice guys finish last. But rather, guys who insist that they are “nice” turn out to be creeps.

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  1. It’s not about being Nice or not, that’s just society’s way of justifying lack of confidence, one being predictable/uninteresting or putting up with guys who are not generally nice.

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  2. Interesting post.. I can relate to your shared thoughts I am curious as to what made him a nice guy? Sounds kind of whinny especially as far as taking care fo his father and to what advantage was it that he was not willing to chat about the common ground of the case? The salt and pepper shaker secret microphones? Perhaps I am not such a nice guy, I am a gentleman however of sorts and ponder if you shared the thought about your undies if he would have been so nice? I know I would have said lets go “Behind the Boat house and a gentleman I will no longer be!” lol I love seeing posts like this especially from a woman’s perspective. I am guessing you are a nice girl for him to bleed himself so having not even gone out with you. Thanks for the smiles:) and sharing the post! This guy was he from Long Island? Definitely not from the 5 Burroughs…. Peace!

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    1. Hey it sounds like we have to go out and find a boathouse 🙂 Gentlemen are preferred to nice guys – 100 percent. There is a great differentiation and thanks for calling that out. This guy was NO gentleman.

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      1. I haven’t laughed like this for quite a while! Thanks for the smiles and the laugh! I would love to take you behind the boat house after a nice non Burger King lunch… You would never pay for lunch or any other meal while in my company… After reading the comments I am laughing harder than before. I loved the comments almost as much as the post! You are Gorgeous as is The Girl! Keep being awesome! 🙂 🙂

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  3. Agreed! I often find that token “bad boys” have far bigger hearts, even if they seem rough around the edges. They aren’t trying to be someone they aren’t. And a token “good boy” like that sounds just plain terrible.

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    1. Please, please give me your secret to loving them – or is it just that you find the gentlemen as a previous blogger described – there is a big difference between the two 🙂

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  4. I am a nice guy. And as a nice guy, it is hard not to become bitter toward a world that seemingly rejects nice. This guy in your story had draped that bitter shroud over him and it framed his every perception.

    And that is a shame.

    This isn’t to say I think the world owes us nice guys something. It doesn’t. The injustice is within ourselves, not among others we see as rejecting us. What we’re missing isn’t the edgy bad boy quality, we’re missing the ability to confidently sell our qualities as well as the bad boys.

    Nice guys finish last because nice guys can’t figure out how to be nice and confident (I say this in general, of course. There are immensely confident nice guys.) We see them as mutually exclusive.

    I think nice guys owe it to women to break this stigma and find the confidence to put ourselves out there. Pay for coffee for the cute girl in line behind you at Starbucks. Hold the door open for a lady and smile warmly and say good morning. Learn the hot bartender’s name and strike up a nice conversation with her about baseball or some other nonsense.

    Do it for the women in your life who would otherwise be wronged over and over again by a world teeming with cocky bad guys!

    Sorry, off my soapbox now 🙂

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    1. Love your response! Again, I don’t know that this guy was that nice – keep in mind I met him at 8 a.m. and we went our separate ways around 4:30. It was enough for me to know that I wasn’t interested in pursuing things any further. And um, paying for my lunch at Burger King, where he insisted to go because it had a 2-4-1 special would have gone very far…Thanks for your insight:)

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  5. “I have a pair of underwear that says “In your dreams.” I find this philosophy applicable to many situations, especially this one.”

    What does this statement say about you? What message are you getting across or trying to get across? Do you think the guys you are trying to attract are drawn to such statements?

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    1. Hey, where’s your sense of humor? You really think I wear those when I’m with a guy? They were in Macy’s and they were cute. Not everything is so deep…Just thought it’d be a good way to end the post 🙂

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  6. What these so called “nice guys” don’t get is: nice is the standard. Nice is what you’re supposed to be. No, you don’t get a medal for being nice, and girls aren’t going to go for you just because you’re quote unquote nice. What else are you offering her? Do you make interesting conversation, are you attractive to her, et cetera.

    Not to mention, that the majority of “nice” guys I know, or at least, guys who consider themselves the nice ones, aren’t any nicer than all the supposed jerks they hate.

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  7. I LITERALLY just said to my boyfriend that I get so annoyed when guys say, “Nice guys finish last”. Love the post. I would say for years I never realized I was dating “the bad ones” except for this one guy that was truly a rebellious time in my life. Otherwise, “the bad ones” were more like the wrong guys for me in the end. I remember having several guy friends that liked me, and they were sweethearts, but I honestly could not see myself with them. You just have to be able to have the connection. I may be able to talk to someone, that doesn’t mean it is a connection, right? I mean, I love talking with people in general.

    “turned off at his generalization and lack of confidence.”
    You hit the nail on the head! Lack of confidence. One of the things the “bad ones” had is that they still had the confidence to pursue me and get to know me, and not say awkward things like this guy clearly did.

    My advice? Stay away. Anyone willing to air their sacrifices, and come across as more of a victim is a leech.

    Have high standards, and when you meet someone that is worth your time, you’ll come to realize that some standards you had are worth lessening because the person will be worth it.

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    1. You are preaching to the choir! And yes, high standards when it comes to shared values is SO important. Love your insight about him being a “victim.” I didn’t even entirely make that connection. Thanks 🙂

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  8. ” “nice guy” a.k.a., geekish aura about him.” Oh honey someones in for a world of hurt. The solution is simple: Go Watch the Millionaire Matchmaker and see what happens to those “nice geeks” when they’re 38 and rich and suffering from dermatitis and a narcissistic deity complex. Lopsided chakras, underdeverloped emotional expression or whatever… we geeks gotta find our mojo before it’s too late. ;P

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    1. Geek persona/multi-millionaire not jerk, is fine. Geek persona/jerk, not so much. It’s all about common values. A bad boy can lack as many values as a good one. And who says Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg (if I got is name wrong, apologies, two glasses of wine) are such nice guys? There’s a movies out about Facebook and MicroSoft that would debate this theory of geeks being nice…Thanks for sharing.

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  9. I personally like “Nice geekish Guys” with confidence. Yes, I will be the first to admit they are far and in between but they are there. My childhood friend like men who “Have a little thug in them”. But she wonders why she is 41 years old, with “thugs” running in and out of her life, No hopes of getting married. She had a “date” with one Saturday, he was a no call no show until 2am when he wanted to come over a talk…
    But when a “nice guy” tries to come in her life, she uses them and treats them poorly.

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    1. Now that’s interesting. I would never use a guy just for the attention. I’ve always only wanted attention from men I’m attracted to – nice or not so nice. While I may still have trouble recognizing the nice ones, I would never use them. But hey, maybe that’s whey I’m still single 🙂

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      1. The man in the gray T shirt, that is from SodaHead.com I put it in the caption. The current artist for the blog is DefinitelyJenny and her page is under The Artist in the menu above.

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  10. I find that so many men that say they are nice guys really are not and then they turn out to be jerks, usually insecure and rude and obnoxious and the reasons they are single become very obvious! Nice ppl need never to say they are nice they just are!

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  11. When I was dating back in the day I was always looking for a nice guy, but he had to have a lot more on the ball then just being nice. You could say I was picky or demanding a lot of men. Luckily I found a great guy. Now I have two grown sons who are really nice guys but since I’m a mother now, not a girl looking for a date or a partner, I look at things from the man’s perspective.. It’s like I changed sides – now being more critical of female demands. We should all put ourselves in the other guys place now and then. It’s enlightening.

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  12. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly nice, but I wouldn’t say I’m bad either. The key is to mix the two, that way tempered aspects of traits that fall in either set will be seen as pleasantly surprising. Random acts of hospitality or malevolence can be quite effective if they’re pointed in the right directions. Never malevolence toward your partner, maybe saying something amusingly brutal about someone they don’t like while opening their car door and presenting them with a flower and a kiss or something. I think it’s a matter of experience and maturity that allows a guy to play both sides effectively.

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    1. I love it! It shows humor and sarcasm – does that make me bad??? I recently had an experience at my gym where I was saying I thought one of the instructors sucked and this guy who I thought was just totally nice said, “Hey there’s (instructor’s name). Hi (instructor’s name.)” I thought I was going to die. But he was just funning with me, she wasn’t right behind me. I got a whole new perspective about this guy and thought hmmmmmm….

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  13. I am one of those women married to a truly “nice” guy. I can’t really relate to your cartoon too much though. He’s quite handsome, seriously built, a construction worker (and he works very hard), makes fantastic conversation, and is protective – when necessary. He’s not jealous, hardly ever shows his temper, and is not in possession of either the “fast food body” or the “non-threatening genitalia”. He’s certainly not whiny. He was shy, and he has an incredibly soft heart, but he’s no pushover. He’d do anything to help anyone, speaks softly, and has an awesome sense of humor. I won the lottery with him, and have been collecting on it for over ten years.

    I’m also just about to release a book where the nice guy actually just might finish first, and he’s HOT!

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  14. I had jury duty, and I definitely didn’t find anyone attractive LOL. “We’re not allowed to talk about that” is probably something I would’ve said 🙂

    You’re right–usually when the guy claims to be a nice guy, he totally isn’t. he’s usually the one who feels entitled to have a female’s attention or the passive-agressive controlling type.

    Keep smiling,
    Yawatta

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  15. Nice guys finish last because we wont compromise our ethics to get ahead, or cheat or lie or anything like that. We are overlooked at promotion cause we don’t suck up. The list is endless. We care too much about other peoples feelings and just accept it when ours get stepped on. Its our lot in life.

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    1. It doesn’t have to be. You can still be nice but stand your ground. No one should be allowed to step on your feelings. And if they do it more than once then they should get their walking papers. Good luck! 🙂

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  16. You defined in very great detail what a nice guy is…..for yourself, we all have our own definitions of what nice is, in the end there just words that have an inherited or personally acquired sense of context, I can only quote this in the end:

    Shut up about it guys, it will be alright, you’ll live longer buyo!

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  17. To the owner of this blog: thank you for liking my latest post!

    And now onto this post! It was a good one, and it feels (oddly) nice to know I am not alone in being thought too picky. I ended my last serious relationship nearly two years ago and have had a couple of flings in between who I soon ended it with. I don’t even consider them as having been my boyfriends though they certainly thought they were (one sent me a word document outlining our next five years together, and at the end he had written we were to get married and start a family.). Now I have been in the position where friends to me tell me it doesn’t seem as if I want to find a relationship, because I don’t give the guys a chance.

    However, I maintain my view that ‘good is not best’ and that in that case, I’d rather be alone than spend my time on someone who is not the best match – for me.

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    1. Hey Nyx,

      I don’t think my standards are unreasonable and I’m not being picky. Because I have ALOT to offer and to give to the person that I’m in love with.

      Thus, I shouldn’t expect to be treated less than I’m worth and no woman should.

      If a guy doesn’t recognize what you’re worth, then chances are you can give ALL THE TIME in the world and he won’t eventually figure it out. And you’re just wasting your time as well.

      A guy who realizes that you’re golden, will see that immediately and treat you as such. Otherwise its better to be alone.

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      1. Exactly! But lately I seem to frighten most of them. My reasonable friends point out it is because I am so confident… Who knows. But I am rather alone on my own than alone with someone else 🙂

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      2. And what’s wrong with confidence? As long as it’s not arrogance. If a man is intimidated by a confident woman…then he’s not much of a man to begin with.

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      3. I know, I find that very strange as well. Confidence is nothing I will get rid of in order to catch a man. I’m comfortable being confident. 🙂 but it’s still regarded as strange in women, I think. One guy I was dating became upset at one point because I didn’t tell him all my problems so he could solve them for me. 😛

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      4. Hhhmmmm…now us women do have to be a bit vulnerable though. Men tend to be fixers, and do want to feel needed. And you know…asking for help isn’t all that bad. it doesn’t make you unconfident but a team player. And it shows that you’re trusting…you trust someone enough to help you…work with you.

        I got that way with Jon. If he didn’t need me to care for him….then why would he want me at all?

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      5. That’s true but this one phrased it as him wanting me to share not because he wanted to help me, but that he wanted to help or he would feel like he was a bad boyfriend.

        I have nothing against sharing if the care is genuine but this time it was to make him feel better, which made it very strange for me!

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      6. It’s wonderful to have self confidence, but I truly believe some women mistake narcissism for self-confidence. Narcissism is a huge turn off. It’s not easy to live with someone who is so full of themselves that they think they’re one of the most awesome people on the planet. A narcissist may think that people are frightened away or intimidated by their success or whatever but really they’re just repulsed by the person being so full of themselves.

        Something to think about.

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  18. Intersting site you have here. Different, (in a good way) from anything else I’ve read. Thanks for stopping by The Brass Rag. Come back and see us again soon. In the meantime, happy writing and good luck, romantic and otherwise.

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  19. Most of the nice guys I have met have been boring. Maybe I’m one of those girls who thrive on drama, but give me the bad boy any day over one who bores me to tears.

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  20. Hi there!
    I really like your post. You know I’ve learned it’s best not to assume anything, a great guy with a kind heart can be in a grey t-shirt/nerdy etc or he can be jaw-droppingly good looking! Same goes with the not so nice ones. I remind myself not to judge on first impression 🙂
    Thanks for following my blog btw! Following u back :d

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    1. Hi,

      That’s true never judge a book by its cover (shameless promo for my book). But yeah sometimes an unattractive loser with nothing going for him can be a complete jerk. And then you wonder why…..he has nothing going for him. But anyway thanks for follow back

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  21. Reblogged this on andrewsaysblog and commented:
    An interesting take… It’s all too easy to begin to believe that a girl won’t like a nice guy, it takes awhile to break free… And so many girls equate “nice” with “wants a family”. Hard to date, especially if you don’t go out of your home…

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